Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your second post implies that you feel guilty that your kids are not popular. Being popular should not be a goal. It should be a by-product of being a nice kid.

I live in SF now, where there's zero popularity. Seriously, the kids who are disliked are the kids who are bullies or badly behaved in class here. And kids don't tease them. Any kid who bullies another kid is shut down by all the other kids. Kids are not picked on for wearing worn out clothes or pants that are too short or anything. I'm from MD where popularity is A Thing, so this is a very interesting dynamic to observe.

I would focus on giving less power to popularity and focusing on the good friendships they've made and being good people. You can't get into college because you had a lot of people at your Sweet 16, you know what I'm saying?

None of the nice kids in my school were popular and none of the popular kids were nice, except maybe 1 or 2.

I'm sure it's hard to watch kids struggle with social issues, popular kids do too, but you were right in thinking they will be better adults than the "in crowd" people. I've seen this play out in my class and other friends have agreed it holds mostly true for their schools.

We don't call kids "popular" since they truly are disliked and/or mean. We call them the "Notice Me" kids.

OP I hear you. My kids are average popular, average athletes, and my son especially does speak with envy about the popular kids. It really hurts his feelings when he gets left out. And it breaks my heart.
I try to remind myself there is not too much I can do. I let them invite friends frequently, attend mostly everything they are invited to, and remind them that being great students is something special too! But it's hard. And they are in 6th and 7th. I know it will get worse.

Middle school "popular" is cruel and hard on some kids, but US allows maturity to play a role and friend circles morph so don't worry too much. It will shift for the better.

Tell them to be themselves -- Don't try to be popular, they must EXUDE it.

Anonymous wrote:Your second post implies that you feel guilty that your kids are not popular. Being popular should not be a goal. It should be a by-product of being a nice kid.

I live in SF now, where there's zero popularity. Seriously, the kids who are disliked are the kids who are bullies or badly behaved in class here. And kids don't tease them. Any kid who bullies another kid is shut down by all the other kids. Kids are not picked on for wearing worn out clothes or pants that are too short or anything. I'm from MD where popularity is A Thing, so this is a very interesting dynamic to observe.

I would focus on giving less power to popularity and focusing on the good friendships they've made and being good people. You can't get into college because you had a lot of people at your Sweet 16, you know what I'm saying?

+1 This PP nailed it. The only thing I'd add is that the goal (besides being a kid of good character as PP says above), is to have as a goal to surround yourself with people of good character. Not to get distracted by popular people, or intelligent or witty people--they are ok only if they are also good people.

I have 2 smart geeky boys. They are friends with a wide range of kids. They are in HS and have never complained about other kids being mean. They just do their own thing and are accepted for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you do have something to do with "it" in that you raised your kids. No, in that we are all our own people.

I hear some anxiety about popularity (and perhaps "wannabeism") in your post that I believe your kids have inherited, and yes you did have something to do with that.

Your kids are fine, but it would be good if they felt more secure about that. Work on that, instead of worrying that the in-crowd doesn't like them.

Op here. Thanks for responses! No, I don't feel like I want that for my kids but I do not like it when that crowd is mean which seems to happen a lot. Always hard to have your kids feel put down by others but of course we talk about how that behavior is often indicative of that persons own insecurities.

I was part of the "popular" group in a peripheral kind of way as a kid because I played sports and my best friend was VERY popular. The thing about that crowd is, they're mean to everyone, even - or maybe ESPECIALLY - each other. The girls in the popular group cried more often, were distracted more often, and engaged in far riskier behavior than my friends who weren't in "the group." Popular kids are full of drama, and not usually the good kind.

What about kids that aren't popular but THINK they are? My son is convinced he's hot shit and it drives me nuts because he refuses to see it!

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you do have something to do with "it" in that you raised your kids. No, in that we are all our own people.

I hear some anxiety about popularity (and perhaps "wannabeism") in your post that I believe your kids have inherited, and yes you did have something to do with that.

Your kids are fine, but it would be good if they felt more secure about that. Work on that, instead of worrying that the in-crowd doesn't like them.

Op here. Thanks for responses! No, I don't feel like I want that for my kids but I do not like it when that crowd is mean which seems to happen a lot. Always hard to have your kids feel put down by others but of course we talk about how that behavior is often indicative of that persons own insecurities.

Yes, you do have something to do with "it" in that you raised your kids. No, in that we are all our own people.

I hear some anxiety about popularity (and perhaps "wannabeism") in your post that I believe your kids have inherited, and yes you did have something to do with that.

Your kids are fine, but it would be good if they felt more secure about that. Work on that, instead of worrying that the in-crowd doesn't like them.

NP here. Our 13 y/o DD sometimes bemoans not being a popular kid. I feel fortunate that she is, with the exception of a few kids who are socially known for their turdish behavior, well-liked.

We talk a lot about the social scene at her k-12 private school. It has taken a lot of time and effort to get her to open up about her life there. We are working to make sure she understands that everything that meets the eye with her peers might not be the whole story. She is starting to understand the situation is not as clear-cut as it appears.

From what I can see, she is doing a pretty good job of finding her tribe, and trying to defuse the effects of the behavior of the kids in question. We encourage her to initiate and return social activities, and do our best to help coordinate those activities.

While it is tough to see our child go through these experiences, we try to remind ourselves that a lot can change in a few months or from one school year to the next. And we try to share our own experiences with our girl. I feel lucky that she is, by nature, an empathetic person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your second post implies that you feel guilty that your kids are not popular. Being popular should not be a goal. It should be a by-product of being a nice kid.

I live in SF now, where there's zero popularity. Seriously, the kids who are disliked are the kids who are bullies or badly behaved in class here. And kids don't tease them. Any kid who bullies another kid is shut down by all the other kids. Kids are not picked on for wearing worn out clothes or pants that are too short or anything. I'm from MD where popularity is A Thing, so this is a very interesting dynamic to observe.

I would focus on giving less power to popularity and focusing on the good friendships they've made and being good people. You can't get into college because you had a lot of people at your Sweet 16, you know what I'm saying?

Spoken like a parent! LOL
Of course there is popularity but you are an adult on the outside looking in and getting a filtered story from your kids so you have no idea what the true story is.

As to the OP's point, sometimes you do have to help your kid be more social. I think this especially matters when the child indicates they would like to be or are sad about not being. They don't have to be popular to be social. Encourage them to get some friends together to do something. Invite them over to your house or suggest meeting for a movie. At middle school age, yes, you as the parent still have to direct them in how to do this and be involved in setting up the logistics.

Nope, I've talked with teachers here who grew up in the NE so they know the type of popularity I do, talked with student teachers, talked with older (hs) kids, gotten to school early for pickup and watched. etc.

San Francisco Mom, I appreciate the posts where you identify yourself.

Your experiences with your teen in SF are very different to what it is like for kids growing up here in metro DC, so without that identification it could really skew the conversation with a lot of wtf moments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never heard kids describe others as, "the popular kids"

Make sure, if they said this once, you didn't latch on to it and make it a big deal

Perhaps you don't spend a lot of time with kids. I work with ES age kids and they talk about the popular kids (4th & 5th grade) but not necessarily in an admiring way. It's almost as if the word popular has lost its meaning -- well-liked -- and is a stand-in for hyper-cliquey and social.

OP, help your kids learn to be social. This is a skill that some come to naturally, and at a very early age. Others take a long time and need to learn it. You see adults posting on DCUM talking about feeling left out, not being able to make friends etc.

Teach your kids -- a PP had a good idea re: encouraging your child to initiate social events with your his/her friends. Be willing to host. Be willing to drive. Make it known that your fine with a bunch of kids eating and hanging out at your house. Then let your child invite his/her nice friends over.

I've heard it this way from my DD. Last year, in 5th grade, she gave me a breakdown of how she saw the school cafeteria and its different groups. Among a variety of groups she noted one group as "popular-sassy" and another as "popular-sporty", both big social groups but the 'sassy' group is into fashion/music - more your stereotypical 'popular' girl crowd and girls DS says they can be mean, although nicer 1-on-1. The 'popular-sporty' group is similarly very social but mostly all play on sports teams with each other. DD didn't aspire to be in either group and said she and her friends aren't a group (they are kind of a quirky mix IMO) but that one of her BFFs could be in the popular-sporty group but chooses to sit with DD and friends. It was an interesting in-depth analysis of the social dynamics of the lunch room from my 10 yr old!

OP. I have two popular kids and it's a mix bag. They are both popular for different reasons, actually, one started out not being popular until hs, I don't think it's been all that good for him. I think it surprised him he's popular now and at times he lacks maturity in handling all the attention - he finds it shallow but lapped it all up all the same. My husband and I were not in the popular crowd at school so it's a strange thing to witness. We try to help him keep his feet on the ground. He is an above average student but girls are always vying for his attention as we try to help him keep focus on his studies.

The other child ignore all the attention, despite other kids attempt to put him at the leader board. I am not overly involve at school but I attend every event they participate in. I am casual friends with just a couple of parents at each school.

Anonymous wrote:Your second post implies that you feel guilty that your kids are not popular. Being popular should not be a goal. It should be a by-product of being a nice kid.

I live in SF now, where there's zero popularity. Seriously, the kids who are disliked are the kids who are bullies or badly behaved in class here. And kids don't tease them. Any kid who bullies another kid is shut down by all the other kids. Kids are not picked on for wearing worn out clothes or pants that are too short or anything. I'm from MD where popularity is A Thing, so this is a very interesting dynamic to observe.

I would focus on giving less power to popularity and focusing on the good friendships they've made and being good people. You can't get into college because you had a lot of people at your Sweet 16, you know what I'm saying?

None of the nice kids in my school were popular and none of the popular kids were nice, except maybe 1 or 2.

I'm sure it's hard to watch kids struggle with social issues, popular kids do too, but you were right in thinking they will be better adults than the "in crowd" people. I've seen this play out in my class and other friends have agreed it holds mostly true for their schools.