Anonymous
01/05/2017 17:04
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Anonymous wrote:He's a closeted gay in heavy denial, forcing himself to be heterosexual, and it just isn't working.
I think I have an ok gaydare. I can see why you would say that, for sure, but really in his case I believe more in asexual than gay. He did have some moments of real intense desire for me.
Anonymous
01/05/2017 17:03
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Did he see your vagina during childbirth? Some men can't come back from that
JFC...Read. This has happened to him before. OP, does it seem like he wants to try? Send the kids away for the weekend. Book a hotel room (if finances are tight, stay home but that can lend itself to feeling like you have to do things around the house). Work on being intimate but not just with sex. Massage each other, tease each other. Get to know your bodies again. See how he responds. On threads where the wife has lost desire, there is a lot of advice to fake it until you get back into it. Obviously it's harder for a guy to fake it but it's worth a try. In addition to getting him tested, would you be open to seeing a sex therapist? My friend's husband went through ED at 33 because of life stresses. They went to a sex therapist and it worked wonders. And it's not all about talking about sex but also connecting on a deeper level, something that many of us have let lapse even if we have a good sex life and a good marriage.
It's totally fine to feel angry. But just being open with him is a big step. Now move on to the next step of figuring out what you can do.to fix it
Thank you for the bit of hope. We will try the sex therapist this year. I am afraid there is a bit of a difference between ED and low libido. Because with ED you actually have desire, you just can't perform. That's not really his problem (except if he is hiding his ED but for first time yesterday he was pretty blunt about how he just doesn't have a lot of sexual desire overall.
Anonymous
01/05/2017 17:00
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, at least he is not blaming you for his lack of interest in sex.
Weeelll... to add to the reason I am angry: he originally did.. "you don't wear very clothes, nightgowns, underwears", "you don't do a lot to put me in the mood". Don't get me wrong, He is a very nice person, there is a context to why he said that and I guess I put him on the defensive, but still it was disastrous for my self image. The physical rejection was painful too. You start to feel ugly, dirty, unloved..
Now he is not blaming it on me and tries to assure me that he really loves me. He doesn't seem to understand how being desired is for most people (I assume?) a key part of being loved. If not, what is the difference with a brotherly love?
I meant " you don't wear very sexy clothes, nightgowns, underwears". And to be clear I am generally considered cute if not pretty, and I pay attention to myself.i don't wear mini skirts or plunging necklines but I am feminine and men look at me in the street. I am just adding that in case people start with a whole list of advice on how I should shave my legs or brush my teeth
I honestly don't think my appearance is the issue. There could be some secret fantasy he needs and i am not fulfilling but right now he doesn't give me enough guidance (he didn't even look at the the sexier underwear)
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:58
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
He's a closeted gay in heavy denial, forcing himself to be heterosexual, and it just isn't working.
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:55
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Anonymous wrote:OP, at least he is not blaming you for his lack of interest in sex.
Weeelll... to add to the reason I am angry: he originally did.. "you don't wear very clothes, nightgowns, underwears", "you don't do a lot to put me in the mood". Don't get me wrong, He is a very nice person, there is a context to why he said that and I guess I put him on the defensive, but still it was disastrous for my self image. The physical rejection was painful too. You start to feel ugly, dirty, unloved..
Now he is not blaming it on me and tries to assure me that he really loves me. He doesn't seem to understand how being desired is for most people (I assume?) a key part of being loved. If not, what is the difference with a brotherly love?
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:53
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Low T or depression
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:51
Subject: Re:just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Anonymous wrote:Maybe has has low testosterone.
+1 Ask for a thyroid check.
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:49
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Did he see your vagina during childbirth? Some men can't come back from that
JFC...Read. This has happened to him before. OP, does it seem like he wants to try? Send the kids away for the weekend. Book a hotel room (if finances are tight, stay home but that can lend itself to feeling like you have to do things around the house). Work on being intimate but not just with sex. Massage each other, tease each other. Get to know your bodies again. See how he responds. On threads where the wife has lost desire, there is a lot of advice to fake it until you get back into it. Obviously it's harder for a guy to fake it but it's worth a try. In addition to getting him tested, would you be open to seeing a sex therapist? My friend's husband went through ED at 33 because of life stresses. They went to a sex therapist and it worked wonders. And it's not all about talking about sex but also connecting on a deeper level, something that many of us have let lapse even if we have a good sex life and a good marriage.
It's totally fine to feel angry. But just being open with him is a big step. Now move on to the next step of figuring out what you can do.to fix it
Maybe you should read. Op stated his sex drive disappeared after each child
And his previous long term gf. The sex vanished there. So sure, the kids likely aren't helping the situation but it sounds like the problem existed in a past relationship so the issue lies with him and his libido. And that's why OP feels pissed. It's a lot easier to fix it when it's just exhaustion from having kids and being an adult. Much harder to fix it the issue is his long term libido in general.
Yes OP here, that's when it hit me, when i realized it was the same with previous GF..
it completely changed my perspective. I thought we were just going through a dry spell.. and another PP said maybe he said that to make me feel better : nope, it escaped him. Complicated to explain but 100% sure he didn't make it up.
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:48
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Got any new tricks you could show him? Spice things up a lttle. Ask him his favorite fantasy
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:47
Subject: Re:just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Maybe has has low testosterone.
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:46
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Anonymous wrote:Op could you answer the vagina question so we can rule that out and move on to other advice
OP here: C section for first child, libido dipped already after that one. I asked him not to look for second but he did. He seemed perefectly fine but I could imagine something linked to seeing me as a mother now more than anything. I will ask him about the vagina issue.
However my gut feeling is that it is not that, or at least not only that. I didn't want to see it, our life was packed, we were very busy, but already before we had kids his libido was not what you expect the libido of a 30 year old man to be. A lot of it makes sense now. How he doesn't have a wandering eye, how he is not looking at me really when I am naked (to get changed for ex.). I used to find that classy compared to my previous boyfriends ..ha .. what an idiot..
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:46
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op could you answer the vagina question so we can rule that out and move on to other advice
Oh please. Dh saw everything when I had DS. He still can't keep his hands off of me. Go away.
We're asking this question for OP - not you. Stick with the program.
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:46
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op could you answer the vagina question so we can rule that out and move on to other advice
Oh please. Dh saw everything when I had DS. He still can't keep his hands off of me. Go away.
Some men can handle it, some cant. Let's help, not scold
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:44
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Anonymous wrote:Op could you answer the vagina question so we can rule that out and move on to other advice
Oh please. Dh saw everything when I had DS. He still can't keep his hands off of me. Go away.
Anonymous
01/05/2017 16:43
Subject: just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
Anonymous wrote:Op could you answer the vagina question so we can rule that out and move on to other advice
You sound amazing.