Anonymous
12/19/2016 22:41
Subject: Re:How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why can't you keep saying no? I am not sure why this is such a big deal. It is your sister and she feels comfortable enough to tell you she likes your things and wants them. Say no, and maybe once in a while get something nice for her.
My sister who is just a year younger asks me for stuff and money all the time. She has more disposable income(she is single, has a good job, and has no children yet, and I am home with my babies for the moment so our money can only go so far). I almost always say no, but it does not bother me. Once in a while, I give her a couple of hundred dollars or buy her something she can comfortably afford(she makes six figures so she is comfortable)
She buys stuff for my kids, her nieces, so it is not that she is self absorbed. We had a dynamic growing up in which we shared clothes and other stuff, and it looks like she wants to kind of keep it. I don't see why that is an issue.
She is getting a monogrammed LL Bean tote, a Liberty of London scarf and several other nice items from me for Xmas. I used to give her things she asked for, thinking it would satisfy some need. Now I know better. I love my sister and want to spend time with her, but this is our "hot button" issue that always causes an argument.
Can you have an honest discussion with her? Ask her if there is something going. Explain to her that her constant asking for your stuff is a little too much and you are wondering if there is something you can do to understand what is going on. Just have a loving, understanding, but raw discussion with her.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 22:41
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
This personality helps themselves to things because they feel entitled. My mom is one.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 22:40
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I can't fathom this kind of behavior. I guess you need to be compassionate but not enable her, OP? Your idea of "decluttering" so she can avoid temptation is a great one, for the rest you will have to say no.
Eh. I actually think it's a bad idea, because OP will just get more resentful. You do not hide your things in your house. It's your house and you have to be comfortable.
The better long term solution will be to keep saying no until she gets it. How long will you keep hiding your stuff?
This personality helps themselves to things because they feel entitled. My mom is one.
No, OP has a better approach. Why tempt theft?
lol. She is asking, not stealing.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 22:35
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I can't fathom this kind of behavior. I guess you need to be compassionate but not enable her, OP? Your idea of "decluttering" so she can avoid temptation is a great one, for the rest you will have to say no.
Eh. I actually think it's a bad idea, because OP will just get more resentful. You do not hide your things in your house. It's your house and you have to be comfortable.
The better long term solution will be to keep saying no until she gets it. How long will you keep hiding your stuff?
No, OP has a better approach. Why tempt theft?
lol. She is asking, not stealing.
Last time she visited she did take several handmade "walking sticks" that I had collected, in addition to one I had given her. They weren't from my moms. She later said they didn't have anything like that where she lives (in CO.) and she knew I could get more.
Ok. She crossed the line. She does not get to take stuff without asking. Yeah, you have a problem OP. Good luck.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 22:32
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is it your stuff she's asking for? Or your mom's?
+1 can't imagine her wanting a needlepoint pillow you made. Maybe grandmas?
Post sounds dishonest and fishy.
Many of the items she asks for were my moms, but as I said in the OP, she got a whole moving truck filled with mom's house. I took a few items I treasured, like mom's needlepoints, then had them made into cushions. She will want the three Xmas ornaments I have from our childhood. Yes, she is a hoarder, though quite like the TV horror shows. Most of her stuff is really nice, there's just way to much of it. I have a more spare decorating style.
In this situation, I would say something along the lines of - I know we came to our agreement about mom & grandma's things many years ago. I haven't second guessed those choices but it sounds like you are. If this is really important to you, then let's set a date to go back, catalog all the items, and reassess how it's all balanced out.
I would take this approach because I wouldn't want a handful of items to cause a rift in the family and I know my mom wouldn't either. That said, if your sister sees the laundry list of items she got, as you say, and then sees you list of just a few, then hopefully that will give her perspective. Conversely, if you got the most sentimental or highest value items, and sent all the bulky stuff to your sister's house via truck, then you'll get to reflect on that as well.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 22:27
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I can't fathom this kind of behavior. I guess you need to be compassionate but not enable her, OP? Your idea of "decluttering" so she can avoid temptation is a great one, for the rest you will have to say no.
Eh. I actually think it's a bad idea, because OP will just get more resentful. You do not hide your things in your house. It's your house and you have to be comfortable.
The better long term solution will be to keep saying no until she gets it. How long will you keep hiding your stuff?
No, OP has a better approach. Why tempt theft?
lol. She is asking, not stealing.
Last time she visited she did take several handmade "walking sticks" that I had collected, in addition to one I had given her. They weren't from my moms. She later said they didn't have anything like that where she lives (in CO.) and she knew I could get more.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 22:24
Subject: Re:How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
Anonymous wrote:Why can't you keep saying no? I am not sure why this is such a big deal. It is your sister and she feels comfortable enough to tell you she likes your things and wants them. Say no, and maybe once in a while get something nice for her.
My sister who is just a year younger asks me for stuff and money all the time. She has more disposable income(she is single, has a good job, and has no children yet, and I am home with my babies for the moment so our money can only go so far). I almost always say no, but it does not bother me. Once in a while, I give her a couple of hundred dollars or buy her something she can comfortably afford(she makes six figures so she is comfortable)
She buys stuff for my kids, her nieces, so it is not that she is self absorbed. We had a dynamic growing up in which we shared clothes and other stuff, and it looks like she wants to kind of keep it. I don't see why that is an issue.
She is getting a monogrammed LL Bean tote, a Liberty of London scarf and several other nice items from me for Xmas. I used to give her things she asked for, thinking it would satisfy some need. Now I know better. I love my sister and want to spend time with her, but this is our "hot button" issue that always causes an argument.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 22:20
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is it your stuff she's asking for? Or your mom's?
+1 can't imagine her wanting a needlepoint pillow you made. Maybe grandmas?
Post sounds dishonest and fishy.
Many of the items she asks for were my moms, but as I said in the OP, she got a whole moving truck filled with mom's house. I took a few items I treasured, like mom's needlepoints, then had them made into cushions. She will want the three Xmas ornaments I have from our childhood. Yes, she is a hoarder, though quite like the TV horror shows. Most of her stuff is really nice, there's just way to much of it. I have a more spare decorating style.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 18:50
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
My guess is the things are from either mom or grandma and could have gone to either the OP or her sister. They divided the tangible goods but the sister still feels like they are up for negotiations
Anonymous
12/19/2016 17:31
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I can't fathom this kind of behavior. I guess you need to be compassionate but not enable her, OP? Your idea of "decluttering" so she can avoid temptation is a great one, for the rest you will have to say no.
Eh. I actually think it's a bad idea, because OP will just get more resentful. You do not hide your things in your house. It's your house and you have to be comfortable.
The better long term solution will be to keep saying no until she gets it. How long will you keep hiding your stuff?
No, OP has a better approach. Why tempt theft?
lol. She is asking, not stealing.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 17:10
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I can't fathom this kind of behavior. I guess you need to be compassionate but not enable her, OP? Your idea of "decluttering" so she can avoid temptation is a great one, for the rest you will have to say no.
Eh. I actually think it's a bad idea, because OP will just get more resentful. You do not hide your things in your house. It's your house and you have to be comfortable.
The better long term solution will be to keep saying no until she gets it. How long will you keep hiding your stuff?
No, OP has a better approach. Why tempt theft?
Anonymous
12/19/2016 16:51
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
Anonymous wrote:
I can't fathom this kind of behavior. I guess you need to be compassionate but not enable her, OP? Your idea of "decluttering" so she can avoid temptation is a great one, for the rest you will have to say no.
Eh. I actually think it's a bad idea, because OP will just get more resentful. You do not hide your things in your house. It's your house and you have to be comfortable.
The better long term solution will be to keep saying no until she gets it. How long will you keep hiding your stuff?
Anonymous
12/19/2016 16:33
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
I can't fathom this kind of behavior. I guess you need to be compassionate but not enable her, OP? Your idea of "decluttering" so she can avoid temptation is a great one, for the rest you will have to say no.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 16:22
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
Anonymous wrote:How about healthy boundaries? Maybe yours are healthy boundaries and OP's aren't. Why can't folks see it outside their own head?
Maybe OP has not given us a lot to work with.
Anonymous
12/19/2016 16:10
Subject: How to deal with sister asking for things in my home.
How about healthy boundaries? Maybe yours are healthy boundaries and OP's aren't. Why can't folks see it outside their own head?