Anonymous
12/13/2016 07:17
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: I have tried talking to him about it before. I asked him just pick two nights not to drink as a start bc I was getting so much pushback. Now, he acts like it is a big deal that he doesn't drink for those two nights and gets mad at me if I ask him to hold off on another evening. I don't know what to do. It's like he is upset us with alcohol. Perhaps we go out to dinner at each have a glass of wine. That is fine but that is not the end. He will come home and continue to drink more and more.
Lately, he has started to be rather nasty to me after he had been drinking. He has been saying a lot of hurtful things, and it's really bad for our relationship. Of course, that impacts my interest in being intimate with him. That in turn, make him say more nasty things to me. It is a vicious cycle right now.
My kids have started saying daddy seems to be more mean these days. This is happening even when he hasn't had any alcohol. I don't know what to do. I am at a loss. I love him, but I want to guy I married to come back. What do I do?
Al Anon.
Alcoholism is at war with everyone who stands in its way.
Al Anon.
And it takes prisoners. Remember that.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 07:06
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
OP here - Man, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. (just figuratively!) The advice went from, "stop nagging" to "get your kids out". 
I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses. I will look into Al-Anon to see if there is a meeting during the day somewhere that I can attend. If I do end up needing to leave, it's going to be a hard road. I can't support us right now. I have a job that pays squat, but allows to be contribute a little and gives me all the flexibilty I need to take care of everything kid related that comes up. It doesn't pay me enough to live here. I look around our house and see all the history and happy memories. I pray that this is just a short-term bump in the road that passes in under a year b/c the good times are still fresh in my head. I hear what you are saying, however, and I promise not to bury my head.
I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses. I will look into Al-Anon to see if there is a meeting during the day somewhere that I can attend. If I do end up needing to leave, it's going to be a hard road. I can't support us right now. I have a job that pays squat, but allows to be contribute a little and gives me all the flexibilty I need to take care of everything kid related that comes up. It doesn't pay me enough to live here. I look around our house and see all the history and happy memories. I pray that this is just a short-term bump in the road that passes in under a year b/c the good times are still fresh in my head. I hear what you are saying, however, and I promise not to bury my head.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 05:16
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm not totally clear on why you think the alcohol is the issue.
1. He had a health scare that is exasperated by binge drinking. The doctor told him that the amount he was drinking was considered binge.
2. When he gets drunk (after the kids go to bed, at least), he'll pick fights with me and say nasty things he'd never say in the middle of the day.
3. He has become short-tempered and snapping at all of us. Whether or not that's related, I don't know. He keeps complaining about being tired and maybe that's b/c he stays up late drinking and then doesn't get a good night's sleep. This is the 3rd reason I listed b/c the 1st 2 are definitely related to alcohol.
Oh OP my heart goes out to you. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and what I remember more than anything was the Jekyll and Hyde routine that would emerge when my mother started drinking at night and all the terrible nasty things she said. That will start to be directed to your kids sooner or later and even if the abuse doesn't get physical, it will get emotional... for all of you. Get to Al Anon, they will help, and start seeing a therapist for yourself and even take your kids once they get old enough. Not sure what age they are now. My mother eventually passed away from alcoholism and it was a brutal slow death. All of the signs you are posting about has him on the road to alcoholism. The sooner there is intervention the better. I wish my Dad had done that for his wife, rather than just bury his head in the sand. Or left her so we didn't have to grow up with it. Lots of luck!
Anonymous
12/12/2016 23:40
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote: I have tried talking to him about it before. I asked him just pick two nights not to drink as a start bc I was getting so much pushback. Now, he acts like it is a big deal that he doesn't drink for those two nights and gets mad at me if I ask him to hold off on another evening. I don't know what to do. It's like he is upset us with alcohol. Perhaps we go out to dinner at each have a glass of wine. That is fine but that is not the end. He will come home and continue to drink more and more.
Lately, he has started to be rather nasty to me after he had been drinking. He has been saying a lot of hurtful things, and it's really bad for our relationship. Of course, that impacts my interest in being intimate with him. That in turn, make him say more nasty things to me. It is a vicious cycle right now.
My kids have started saying daddy seems to be more mean these days. This is happening even when he hasn't had any alcohol. I don't know what to do. I am at a loss. I love him, but I want to guy I married to come back. What do I do?
Al Anon.
Alcoholism is at war with everyone who stands in its way.
Al Anon.
Anonymous
12/12/2016 22:52
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
There isn't a damn thing you can do except to decide how much longer you want your kids to grow up in that situation. How many of their childhood years will be messed up by living with an alcoholic parent and the insane living situation it creates?
You need a plan to get them away from that. Never mind him. Put them first, then yourself. He will be fine, drunk or sober. Or not. That's on him.
You can't do ANYTHING about his drinking and nothing you do will make him stop, or keep it from getting worse. You are completely powerless. All you can do is get help for yourself and your family.
Look into Al-Anon right away and go at least once a week. You will learn a lot. More than you can even learn in a forum like this.
You need a plan to get them away from that. Never mind him. Put them first, then yourself. He will be fine, drunk or sober. Or not. That's on him.
You can't do ANYTHING about his drinking and nothing you do will make him stop, or keep it from getting worse. You are completely powerless. All you can do is get help for yourself and your family.
Look into Al-Anon right away and go at least once a week. You will learn a lot. More than you can even learn in a forum like this.
Anonymous
12/12/2016 22:10
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Can you try not mentioning the alcohol at all for a while?
He may be drinking more because he feels bad about it to begin with and being called out just bothers him more. A lot of people get nasty when forced to face feelings of guilt.
Besides, it's his health and ultimately up to him.
Also can you and the kids go away for a break?
He may be drinking more because he feels bad about it to begin with and being called out just bothers him more. A lot of people get nasty when forced to face feelings of guilt.
Besides, it's his health and ultimately up to him.
Also can you and the kids go away for a break?
Anonymous
12/12/2016 21:02
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
And if you'd like me to name a few:
Fear of spending money because she blew bill money on alcohol and going out and we would have no lights on or her check would get declined at the grocery store
Inability to believe I am actually really and truly loved by anyone because if your mom can't even actually show she loves you by caring for you and putting you first, who can? Don't underestimate this one. They'll see their dad choosing alcohol over them and their right to happiness and stability every single day.
The burden of what I do when xyz bad thing will eventually happen. And they all eventually happen.
Fear of spending money because she blew bill money on alcohol and going out and we would have no lights on or her check would get declined at the grocery store
Inability to believe I am actually really and truly loved by anyone because if your mom can't even actually show she loves you by caring for you and putting you first, who can? Don't underestimate this one. They'll see their dad choosing alcohol over them and their right to happiness and stability every single day.
The burden of what I do when xyz bad thing will eventually happen. And they all eventually happen.
Anonymous
12/12/2016 20:59
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
BTDT except it's my mom. Watched her throw three marriages in the trash. Her relationships with her sister, friends, 3 kids. And she knows the alcohol makes her feel like shit and mess up. She just will not put in the effort to stop. we did an intervention and she left after a week. I tried AA and al anon with her, she quit. DUI last summer. This is my whole life and I'm 31.
If he's not interested in stopping drinking, he won't. You have to worry about you and the kids. Don't make them grow up in a house filled with tension and the unpredictable sadness and fear of living with an alcoholic. I have long lasting issues that were latent until I got married and had my own kids. Being the child of an alcoholic is deeply scarring.
If he's not interested in stopping drinking, he won't. You have to worry about you and the kids. Don't make them grow up in a house filled with tension and the unpredictable sadness and fear of living with an alcoholic. I have long lasting issues that were latent until I got married and had my own kids. Being the child of an alcoholic is deeply scarring.
Anonymous
12/12/2016 19:42
Subject: Re: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:I hate that self medicating excuse.
He likes to get drunk then belligerent and mean. What you need to ask yourself is do I want my kids to live like this ? If your answer is no without any explanation, like he's such a good father and provider, you already have your answer.
I feel for you. My father was an alcoholic and dropped dead at 43. My mother used to excuse it by saying he gave us so much. I am riddled with anxiety because our big beautiful house filled with anything we wanted was in reality, egg shell land. I was glad when he died. I never told anyone this.
Thank you for sharing.
My DH grew up in an alcoholic home. I think that I didn't really understand the damage it does until I had to leave my DH because of his drinking. "Eggshell-land is a perfect description." I left and managed to maintain full custody so that my kids can grow up in a home without walking on eggshells.
I think people really under-estimate the life long negative effects of alcoholism on the children.
In addition to eggshells there is also thelying and maintaining a facade for others. Kids who grow up in this environment often replicate these behaviors because they were normalized in the family.
Anonymous
12/12/2016 19:13
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
OP. My sister and her husband are going through the same thing. My sister is the drinker and he is going to al-anon. It's sad to witness. It's hard to get someone to stop. They have to want it themselves. My heart breaks when he discusses her with me. He's a good father and wants her to change but has given up trying to change her.
Anonymous
12/12/2016 17:10
Subject: Re: I think my husband has a drinking problem
I hate that self medicating excuse.
He likes to get drunk then belligerent and mean. What you need to ask yourself is do I want my kids to live like this ? If your answer is no without any explanation, like he's such a good father and provider, you already have your answer.
I feel for you. My father was an alcoholic and dropped dead at 43. My mother used to excuse it by saying he gave us so much. I am riddled with anxiety because our big beautiful house filled with anything we wanted was in reality, egg shell land. I was glad when he died. I never told anyone this.
He likes to get drunk then belligerent and mean. What you need to ask yourself is do I want my kids to live like this ? If your answer is no without any explanation, like he's such a good father and provider, you already have your answer.
I feel for you. My father was an alcoholic and dropped dead at 43. My mother used to excuse it by saying he gave us so much. I am riddled with anxiety because our big beautiful house filled with anything we wanted was in reality, egg shell land. I was glad when he died. I never told anyone this.
Anonymous
12/12/2016 16:41
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Pp here. Sorry to hear this, OP. My dad was an alcoholic and quit drinking when I was pretty young. I do not drink because I could see I was headed in the same direction. Even though my dd grew up in a household without alcohol, she became an active alcoholic. We did encourage her to drink normally so it wasn't the forbidden fruit by any means. But she ended up having a huge problem anyway. Can't say for sure that's what your husband is going through but it's not a good sign. So sorry.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Does he have close family who have addiction problems? If so, chances are good he's inherited it. OP, I suggest attending some Al-Anon meetings, which are for friends and families of people with drinking problems. Sounds like your husband doesn't want to cut back on his drinking and while you can insist he do it, if he doesn't want to, he's just going to make your life miserable. At Al-Anon, you will meet other people who have dealt with this kind of problem and who can give you support.
Best of luck to you.
He calls his grandfather a nasty drunk. He has never said a good thing about that man. I never met him b/c he died before my husband and I met.
Anonymous
12/12/2016 16:39
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
We stopped having alcohol in the house because my husband had difficulty controlling his drinking. I didn't need to wait for him to get hurt or mean or have a heart attack to know that binge drinking is the path to alcoholism, so I can't understand this emphasis on your DH's drinking not being a problem because he's functional; MANY people are functioning alcoholics. That doesn't make it safe or okay.
Big hugs OP. I told DH I didn't want to keep alcohol at home anymore, we just have a beer or two when we dine out now. He took a few weeks to get on board but I was resolute.
Big hugs OP. I told DH I didn't want to keep alcohol at home anymore, we just have a beer or two when we dine out now. He took a few weeks to get on board but I was resolute.
Anonymous
12/12/2016 16:38
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm not totally clear on why you think the alcohol is the issue.
1. He had a health scare that is exasperated by binge drinking. The doctor told him that the amount he was drinking was considered binge.
2. When he gets drunk (after the kids go to bed, at least), he'll pick fights with me and say nasty things he'd never say in the middle of the day.
3. He has become short-tempered and snapping at all of us. Whether or not that's related, I don't know. He keeps complaining about being tired and maybe that's b/c he stays up late drinking and then doesn't get a good night's sleep. This is the 3rd reason I listed b/c the 1st 2 are definitely related to alcohol.
Your husband definitely has a problem. I know because I'm there. Unfortunately, there really isn't anything I can do. He has to decide to his family is more important than drinking. And right now, my husband is in denial about his drinking problem.
Hugs OP. I feel ya.
OP here. I'm sorry you are going through this, as well.
Anonymous
12/12/2016 16:36
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm not totally clear on why you think the alcohol is the issue.
1. He had a health scare that is exasperated by binge drinking. The doctor told him that the amount he was drinking was considered binge.
2. When he gets drunk (after the kids go to bed, at least), he'll pick fights with me and say nasty things he'd never say in the middle of the day.
3. He has become short-tempered and snapping at all of us. Whether or not that's related, I don't know. He keeps complaining about being tired and maybe that's b/c he stays up late drinking and then doesn't get a good night's sleep. This is the 3rd reason I listed b/c the 1st 2 are definitely related to alcohol.
Your husband definitely has a problem. I know because I'm there. Unfortunately, there really isn't anything I can do. He has to decide to his family is more important than drinking. And right now, my husband is in denial about his drinking problem.
Hugs OP. I feel ya.