Anonymous wrote:I have been thinking about the OP and her sister. Any update?

+2

I have been thinking about the OP and her sister. Any update?

It sounds like he is bipolar and dangerous. She should get a protection order, if she thinks that would do any good.

If you're in Virginia, if he didn't threaten the children, you cannot add them to the protective order. You can get an order for yourself and he will be served in whatever state he's in. Every time he contacts you would be a violation. Every time he violates, you would go and get a violation of a protective order. If the first violation is serious, he may go to jail. If it's not, he would go to jail upon the second violation. If he's out of state, and on this side of the Mississippi, they will usually extradite. This is how it works in Virginia. I can't speak for other states.

OP, any update?

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to get in a car and come to your place right now. Unless she's in Hawaii she can do that.

Domestic violence situations are some of the most dangerous and most volatile ones. When she's in a safe location have her file the protective order.

Sitting alone in your house not wanting to 'set him off' is how these women die.

The most dangerous time for women is when they leave and when they get a protective order. The sister's reluctance to "set him off" is based in reality. The number one rule of safety planning with a victim is that you have to listen to her when she says something is too dangerous. She has to take the lead on what to do.

The first thing she needs to do is lock down her social media accounts. He shouldn't have access to all of that information.

Ok no more social media obvs.

Anonymous wrote:If this thread is real, OP you need to have your sister 1) call the police and file a protective order/restraining no contact order for her and her children, 2) contact the kids' schools(s) and make sure your sister is the ONLY parent that can pick up the kids, 3) call the domestic abuse hotline listed above for support and better guidance, and 4) get an attorney, file separation/divorce and file custody papers for the children.

My cousin went crazy on his wife, similar to your BIL. When he was out of town for work she took the kids and left and when he discovered what she had done he went ballastic. I've seen what normally would be a smart, reasonable person could suddenly turn into, and it was scary. The children and school were a huge issue, my cousin made threats to take the children out of school one day randomly and run off. He also threatened the safety of his wife. Take everything your BIL says and writes seriously, call the police!

Tell your sister: Call the domestic violence hotline listed a long way above, then call the police after that. Same day.
The police themselves cannot issue a restraining order as this post seems (to me) to indicate. Only a court can do that. Your sister MUST get emergency help; there is such a thing as an "emergency" restraining order that a court can issue immediately if there are threats deemed imminent; I would hope that the BIL's messages about holding a gun to her head while she's raped, etc., would qualifty for an emergency order. Then, as other PPs have noted, she needs to notify all schools, child care providers, everywhere her kids might be without her that he has no right to take the kids with him or even to BE there (the order should cover the kids as well as her). This is why she needs a lawyer immediately, today, and the hotline number should be able to get her started finding one.

She should ask to talk to whoever at the police department handles domestic violence issues. I would bet that the police or the hotline or both will advise her to take her kids and get out of the house for a time, especially now while he is agitated over the posting. She should never, ever assume that because they're not in the same area, he would hesitate to turn up at her door at any time of day or night.

And OP, she also needs to alert EVERYONE who might post pictures (or just words) about her or their kids to stop instantly and take down anything they now have up. In an ideal world of course she shouldn't have to do this, everyone should be able to post innocent stuff openly, etc., but the reality is that he's probably now hunting through sites of her family and friends trying to see if there are any more postings about her. He clearly thinks she's with this guy from the gym and I would frankly advise that guy to be careful as well--is BIL the kind who might go after him?

She needs to protect herself and her kids online especially right now while he's volatile.

Also, holidays can set off abusers and stalkers sometimes. She should be aware of that too. If you can host her and her kids for the holidays, I'd invite them. It would at least be a temporary break for her, but it also might get her and the kids away from their home over what can be a time of year that triggers abusers.

Please update us here, OP. What he said to her is extremely disturbing and I would hope she will not try to brush it off as just talk. Hotline, police, lawyer, emergency order, now.

One other thing: Guns. Don't do it. It sounds tempting, for sure, but I know two families both devastated -- separate incidents-- because guns in the home for "protection" ended up causing, in one case death, in the other case, grave injury. These were adults who got guns out of fear of being stalked but who used the guns on intruders who weren't the stalker. In both cases the shooters were the ones in legal trouble (one went to prison). I hope your sister won't get a gun but will get help immediately.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks - I'm going to try the hotline. I really want to just go down there myself and get her phone, text messages and send to the police. She's done with him but she not going to do it..

When he left and was on a "good" day he bought her a gun to keep at the house to keep her and the girls "safe". Then on one of his rampage days he came over to get it back. She said she locked herself in a room and left it on the counter. I think that's why she's so scared. She knows he has guns and could use them.

I want her to trade in her car (not ideal right...) so he doesn't know what she's driving. She just feels like as long as she keeps him "happy" and "calm" she's safe...

What state is she in?

I'm so so so sorry beyond words, OP.

Leaving relationship is 'most dangerous time' for domestic violence victims, experts say
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/domestic-violence-victims-1.3885381

You need to call a domestic violence organization. The police often does not take cases seriously (interestingly, police and military have higher rates of domestic abuse than the general population- so one could say they have a vested interest in not taking these cases seriously). A domestic violence organization knows what is at stake and can really help and try to find ways to protect or hide her.

PLEASE do this. So many women are killed by exspouses or current ones. Her life is at huge risk right now. This is as serious as cancer or any other life threatening condition.

Thanks - I'm going to try the hotline. I really want to just go down there myself and get her phone, text messages and send to the police. She's done with him but she not going to do it..

When he left and was on a "good" day he bought her a gun to keep at the house to keep her and the girls "safe". Then on one of his rampage days he came over to get it back. She said she locked herself in a room and left it on the counter. I think that's why she's so scared. She knows he has guns and could use them.

I want her to trade in her car (not ideal right...) so he doesn't know what she's driving. She just feels like as long as she keeps him "happy" and "calm" she's safe...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So quick backstory. My sister has been married to her husband for 10 years. They have two kids and from the beginning I knew he was not going to be a good fit. He was constantly attached to her, "protecting" her, but it was all because he was a controlling asshole. I could go on about situations throughout the years.. Well fast forward and my sister was feeling smothered by his insecurity and controlling.

And that's when we went off the deep end. For the past few months she's been dealing with conversations and text messages that go up and down like a roller coaster. One minute it's "please please please" the next it's telling his daughters my sister is an ugly bitch. It's gotten violent and he finally moved out. But it hasn't gotten better it's gotten worse. He quit his job and decided to move out of state because he "didn't have any money". Not really sure about that since he's not giving my sister money and has a decent job but okay...

So he moved and my sister finally felt like she could breathe. Well this past weekend a guy friend posted a photo of them at the gym and the crazy texts started flying. This time they were the most disturbing. Some included... "I'll hold a gun to your head while your being raped", "I'm going to kill myself in your bed". You get the gist.

I've been telling her for months she needs to get a protective order. I told her again yesterday and she said she was scared that if she did, it would set him off and he'd come to kill her.

We live in different states and she doesn't have any family around. She's dealing with this alone with her girls. I'm scared for her because I don't see him one day deciding it's okay that this is over.... I'm just so scared for her and want her to be safe.

Get a protective order take all that down to the court and she can have a temp PO in place in a few hours. If he sends another email or text or what ever , report it they can put out a bench warrant for him on the spot and even if in another state he will get picked up. When she has done all this, go get a gun and learn to use it. A PO is only a piece of paper and she at best can only give him a paper cut. PO is to see if he is smart enough to cut that crap out, the gun is to protect herself and children so she doesn't end up as a statistic

The actual statistics show that having a gun in the home would make her much more likely to suffer injury or death from that gun.

Not that I want to have a gun discussion but not all people are careless with guns. If she thinks she can't be responsible and keep it locked up from children then no she shouldn't get a gun. If on the other hand she has some experience with guns in the past and can get a safe and keep it out of the hands of the kids and do all the precautionary things you need to do when you have a gun in the house then, yes get one. He sounds real crazy and a gun might be a nice option should he decide to show up late one night.

It's not just about being careless, although there's that. But people who abuse and threaten other people are crafty bastards. There are a lot of stories out there where victims had access to guns and then the abuser got a hold of them, either through finding them in the home or getting them away from the victim, and the victim ends up dead. It's just rarely been found to be a good course of action.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So quick backstory. My sister has been married to her husband for 10 years. They have two kids and from the beginning I knew he was not going to be a good fit. He was constantly attached to her, "protecting" her, but it was all because he was a controlling asshole. I could go on about situations throughout the years.. Well fast forward and my sister was feeling smothered by his insecurity and controlling.

And that's when we went off the deep end. For the past few months she's been dealing with conversations and text messages that go up and down like a roller coaster. One minute it's "please please please" the next it's telling his daughters my sister is an ugly bitch. It's gotten violent and he finally moved out. But it hasn't gotten better it's gotten worse. He quit his job and decided to move out of state because he "didn't have any money". Not really sure about that since he's not giving my sister money and has a decent job but okay...

So he moved and my sister finally felt like she could breathe. Well this past weekend a guy friend posted a photo of them at the gym and the crazy texts started flying. This time they were the most disturbing. Some included... "I'll hold a gun to your head while your being raped", "I'm going to kill myself in your bed". You get the gist.

I've been telling her for months she needs to get a protective order. I told her again yesterday and she said she was scared that if she did, it would set him off and he'd come to kill her.

We live in different states and she doesn't have any family around. She's dealing with this alone with her girls. I'm scared for her because I don't see him one day deciding it's okay that this is over.... I'm just so scared for her and want her to be safe.

Get a protective order take all that down to the court and she can have a temp PO in place in a few hours. If he sends another email or text or what ever , report it they can put out a bench warrant for him on the spot and even if in another state he will get picked up. When she has done all this, go get a gun and learn to use it. A PO is only a piece of paper and she at best can only give him a paper cut. PO is to see if he is smart enough to cut that crap out, the gun is to protect herself and children so she doesn't end up as a statistic

The actual statistics show that having a gun in the home would make her much more likely to suffer injury or death from that gun.

Not that I want to have a gun discussion but not all people are careless with guns. If she thinks she can't be responsible and keep it locked up from children then no she shouldn't get a gun. If on the other hand she has some experience with guns in the past and can get a safe and keep it out of the hands of the kids and do all the precautionary things you need to do when you have a gun in the house then, yes get one. He sounds real crazy and a gun might be a nice option should he decide to show up late one night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So quick backstory. My sister has been married to her husband for 10 years. They have two kids and from the beginning I knew he was not going to be a good fit. He was constantly attached to her, "protecting" her, but it was all because he was a controlling asshole. I could go on about situations throughout the years.. Well fast forward and my sister was feeling smothered by his insecurity and controlling.

And that's when we went off the deep end. For the past few months she's been dealing with conversations and text messages that go up and down like a roller coaster. One minute it's "please please please" the next it's telling his daughters my sister is an ugly bitch. It's gotten violent and he finally moved out. But it hasn't gotten better it's gotten worse. He quit his job and decided to move out of state because he "didn't have any money". Not really sure about that since he's not giving my sister money and has a decent job but okay...

So he moved and my sister finally felt like she could breathe. Well this past weekend a guy friend posted a photo of them at the gym and the crazy texts started flying. This time they were the most disturbing. Some included... "I'll hold a gun to your head while your being raped", "I'm going to kill myself in your bed". You get the gist.

I've been telling her for months she needs to get a protective order. I told her again yesterday and she said she was scared that if she did, it would set him off and he'd come to kill her.

We live in different states and she doesn't have any family around. She's dealing with this alone with her girls. I'm scared for her because I don't see him one day deciding it's okay that this is over.... I'm just so scared for her and want her to be safe.

Get a protective order take all that down to the court and she can have a temp PO in place in a few hours. If he sends another email or text or what ever , report it they can put out a bench warrant for him on the spot and even if in another state he will get picked up. When she has done all this, go get a gun and learn to use it. A PO is only a piece of paper and she at best can only give him a paper cut. PO is to see if he is smart enough to cut that crap out, the gun is to protect herself and children so she doesn't end up as a statistic

The actual statistics show that having a gun in the home would make her much more likely to suffer injury or death from that gun.

If this thread is real, OP you need to have your sister 1) call the police and file a protective order/restraining no contact order for her and her children, 2) contact the kids' schools(s) and make sure your sister is the ONLY parent that can pick up the kids, 3) call the domestic abuse hotline listed above for support and better guidance, and 4) get an attorney, file separation/divorce and file custody papers for the children.

My cousin went crazy on his wife, similar to your BIL. When he was out of town for work she took the kids and left and when he discovered what she had done he went ballastic. I've seen what normally would be a smart, reasonable person could suddenly turn into, and it was scary. The children and school were a huge issue, my cousin made threats to take the children out of school one day randomly and run off. He also threatened the safety of his wife. Take everything your BIL says and writes seriously, call the police!