Anonymous
11/30/2016 16:08
Subject: Re:Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
Anonymous wrote:OP here, I plan date nights, we have a babysitter at least twice a month. Kids are 9 and 7, not preschool. I understood the mental exhaustion in preschool. It hasn't let up.
If the kids are in school all day, why doesn't she get a part-time job or do some volunteer work? Maybe she's bored/depressed and has nothing else to talk about.
Anonymous
11/30/2016 15:45
Subject: Re:Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
Anonymous wrote:OP here, I plan date nights, we have a babysitter at least twice a month. Kids are 9 and 7, not preschool. I understood the mental exhaustion in preschool. It hasn't let up.
Do you have any friends or colleagues that you talk or listen to about kid life? Maybe you just have naive or unrealistic expectations of raising a family. I assume you have an active father role and active spouse role, not just active office role.
Anonymous
11/30/2016 15:42
Subject: Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
Anonymous wrote:Our dilemma: All my wife talks about is our kids. We have one with mild special needs, and yes, the kids is exhausting and certainly the topic of conversation. The end of almost every day is my wife emotionally vomiting on me about her day with the kids. Date night is the same. If I change the topic, I am seen as insensitive.
You can imagine how our romantic life is. She doesn't seem to miss that part of the relationship.
She is a SAHM. I value her contribution. Sometimes I wonder if she would be happier to just go back to work so she isn't around the kids so much. Whatever makes her happy. Money isn't a concern for us, I do fine.
Suggestions? How do I change the topic without sounding insensitive? Anyone successfully instituted a "no talking about the kids" on date night rule?
sounds like a cry for help. you need to help her before it's too late. she sounds overburdened with no outlets or time for fun or herself.
the only way you'll get to "talking about things other than pressing kid items or her need to update you" is to process the problem through. and the problem is not your wife or her personality or her needs.
Anonymous
11/30/2016 10:30
Subject: Re:Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in this position. My wife going back to work part-time helped tremendously.
I also get the stress of having a special needs child, OP. You need to think about that because it's a lot to manage. What do YOU do to help manage your child's condition? Before saying, well, I work, that's not enough. You really need to understand that your wife's load is heavier because of this and she needs someone to talk through and help process the crazy world that is raising a special needs child. It's lonely, it's overwhelming, and just saying let's not talk about the kids is akin to saying I don't care that you need to talk through this to feel closer to me, date night is on my terms. Not the greatest move, man.
I would focus on two things. First, helping your wife reclaim a little life for herself. Working, volunteering, etc. Get a sitter a few days a week to help after school.
Second, I would step up and get more involved with your kids, particularly your special needs child. It's a lot to handle, dude.
How do I push her to go back to work part-time? Any suggestions from SAHMs on what to say and what not to say?
I worked part time when I was a SAHM (OK, so those two things are mutually exclusive), but I am SOOOO glad I did because work was sanity, kids were much much harder than work. By a thousand time.
This is difficult. Has she brought up the topic at all? Working, needing to get away from kids for a while, needing a break? Could you start the topic by finding some good childcare resources for kids, and maybe find benefits for the children of being in group settings? You can come at it from the "this is best for the kids" angle.
How about you just ask her. Would you like to go back to work part time? Get out of the house and be with intellectual peers?
I can see this exploding and you'll never have sex again, or she'll grab it with two fists and go forth and never look back
Anonymous
11/30/2016 10:19
Subject: Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
One thing that I've found that helps is going out with a specific thing you want to talk about. For DH and me, sometimes that was about things we wanted to do to the house. Sometimes it was vacation planning. Sometimes it was the kid, but not always.
I think that the problem is most likely that your wife is so absorbed in kid life that she feels like she doesn't have anything to talk about. What do you want to talk about? What did you guys talk about in the past?
I think that the problem is most likely that your wife is so absorbed in kid life that she feels like she doesn't have anything to talk about. What do you want to talk about? What did you guys talk about in the past?
Anonymous
11/30/2016 09:55
Subject: Re:Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in this position. My wife going back to work part-time helped tremendously.
I also get the stress of having a special needs child, OP. You need to think about that because it's a lot to manage. What do YOU do to help manage your child's condition? Before saying, well, I work, that's not enough. You really need to understand that your wife's load is heavier because of this and she needs someone to talk through and help process the crazy world that is raising a special needs child. It's lonely, it's overwhelming, and just saying let's not talk about the kids is akin to saying I don't care that you need to talk through this to feel closer to me, date night is on my terms. Not the greatest move, man.
I would focus on two things. First, helping your wife reclaim a little life for herself. Working, volunteering, etc. Get a sitter a few days a week to help after school.
Second, I would step up and get more involved with your kids, particularly your special needs child. It's a lot to handle, dude.
How do I push her to go back to work part-time? Any suggestions from SAHMs on what to say and what not to say?
Anonymous
11/30/2016 09:49
Subject: Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
Many men, especially those with SN kids, deal with parenting by focusing solely on being the breadwinner - esp. if there is a SAHM. Sadly, Mom ends up handling everything related to kids, which is Stressful! Let your wife vent. Get involved with the kids and maybe she won't feel the need to talk about them so much since you'all already know what's happening in their lives.
Anonymous
11/30/2016 09:34
Subject: Re:Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
OP, I was in this position. My wife going back to work part-time helped tremendously.
I also get the stress of having a special needs child, OP. You need to think about that because it's a lot to manage. What do YOU do to help manage your child's condition? Before saying, well, I work, that's not enough. You really need to understand that your wife's load is heavier because of this and she needs someone to talk through and help process the crazy world that is raising a special needs child. It's lonely, it's overwhelming, and just saying let's not talk about the kids is akin to saying I don't care that you need to talk through this to feel closer to me, date night is on my terms. Not the greatest move, man.
I would focus on two things. First, helping your wife reclaim a little life for herself. Working, volunteering, etc. Get a sitter a few days a week to help after school.
Second, I would step up and get more involved with your kids, particularly your special needs child. It's a lot to handle, dude.
I also get the stress of having a special needs child, OP. You need to think about that because it's a lot to manage. What do YOU do to help manage your child's condition? Before saying, well, I work, that's not enough. You really need to understand that your wife's load is heavier because of this and she needs someone to talk through and help process the crazy world that is raising a special needs child. It's lonely, it's overwhelming, and just saying let's not talk about the kids is akin to saying I don't care that you need to talk through this to feel closer to me, date night is on my terms. Not the greatest move, man.
I would focus on two things. First, helping your wife reclaim a little life for herself. Working, volunteering, etc. Get a sitter a few days a week to help after school.
Second, I would step up and get more involved with your kids, particularly your special needs child. It's a lot to handle, dude.
Anonymous
11/30/2016 09:24
Subject: Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
Anonymous wrote:OP, how good of a listener are you?
Being a really, truly good emphatic listener will help her feel ready to move on to other topics of conversation. It won't solve everything, but if she truly feels heard after a verbal vomit during the first say 30 minutes of date night, you might be more successful gently moving on to other topics.
High quality listening means that you really go there with her feelings and reflect back to her what you are hearing.
Meant to write "empathetic" not emphatic.
Anonymous
11/30/2016 09:23
Subject: Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
OP, how good of a listener are you?
Being a really, truly good emphatic listener will help her feel ready to move on to other topics of conversation. It won't solve everything, but if she truly feels heard after a verbal vomit during the first say 30 minutes of date night, you might be more successful gently moving on to other topics.
High quality listening means that you really go there with her feelings and reflect back to her what you are hearing.
Being a really, truly good emphatic listener will help her feel ready to move on to other topics of conversation. It won't solve everything, but if she truly feels heard after a verbal vomit during the first say 30 minutes of date night, you might be more successful gently moving on to other topics.
High quality listening means that you really go there with her feelings and reflect back to her what you are hearing.
Anonymous
11/30/2016 08:07
Subject: Re:Can we STOP talking about the kids?!?
Suggest she goes to a counselor or therapist to discusss her concerns. It sounds like she has a lot of anxiety about the child and rightfully so. People process anxiety in different ways. Some shut down, some perseverate. Sounds like your wife is in the latter camp.