Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 19:56     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves
Ship has not sailed- pick up the phone and tell your parents to cancel and you'll reimburse them for any charges that can't be refunded!
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 19:51     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves
OP, you did this. It sounds like YOU are being YOUR usual self, instead of setting boundaries. This is your fault.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 18:36     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves
You sound like a doormat. No way should you have booked this trip and then relented to have them go. It will be double the drama and you are out tons of $$
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 18:15     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves
OP you lost me at "not that they weren't necessarily invited". What does that even mean?
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 17:26     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves
Sorry, OP. I had a similar screw-up this year. We told my mom we wouldn't be traveling to her this Christmas because of our toddler, but that she could come to us. She initially agreed to, which was frustrating because I thought we'd called her bluff (she hates to travel but was doing a crazy anxiety/guilt combo on us about how alone she'd be). After we finally accepted that Christmas would be a disaster dominated by her anxiety and negativity, she announced that she would be coming for New Years' instead. But she refuses to babysit and "feels uncomfortable" with "strangers" (babysitter) around, so now we are hosting friends who we see every New Years' instead of going out with them. And then she pouted about being a burden and how she won't come at all if we want to be with our friends instead, which isn't even true because we told her we'd be home to celebrate with her.

Boundaries for you, now! I wish you'd posted this last week before I forgot to put up some boundaries of my own!
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 13:54     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves
Anonymous wrote:OK, let me understand this situation.

1. Your parents are difficult people.
2. You and your family decided to do something fun for Christmas, specifically, going to a resort.
3. Your parents decided they wanted to go too.
4. [There is a missing part here where your parents somehow were able to obtain information about where you were staying, your flight information, and all the rest of the details, and obtain your permission to come too. Possibly you were drugged or under CIA mind control. Details to come?]
5. Your difficult parents are complaining about being off site for vacation.

Shocker.



Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 12:34     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves
Anonymous wrote:After a very long year, DH and I decided we should do something fun for Christmas with our two kids (under 5). We've spent plenty of holidays with our parents and figured it was time to just do something on our own. And honestly, my parents are very difficult people-- hard to please, always want to talk about uncomfortable topics-- and it would be nice to not have to deal with their antics even just this once.

So, we booked a long Christmas weekend at a hotel in the Caribbean. DH's parents said have a nice time. I told my mom when she asked what we're doing and she immediately invited herself and my father along. Not that they weren't necessarily invited but I knew this kind of thing isn't the way they like to spend holidays. They like eating the same traditional food, going to church on Christmas Day, being able to have a tree, etc. So, she goes and asks me for the dates and books a trip.

Now, a week after booking, she's all up in arms. She's all worried about where we're going to eat, what if she doesn't like the restaurants, how she now doesn't like to idea of being at a hotel on Christmas, what if there's bad weather, etc. This was exactly what I wanted to avoid this holiday season. Her anxious BS. DH and I are now bracing for our holiday to be ruined by my parents acting all put upon because we're "making them" have to visit their grandchildren this way. I wish there had been a way to discourage them from coming.








There was. But then you invited them along by giving them the travel info. No sympathy
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 12:33     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves

I don't understand why you went to the trouble of planning your Christmas escape if you then proceeded to give her enough info that she was able to follow you.

Next year will be the year you will get everything right, OP!
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 12:29     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves
Anonymous wrote:There was...but it requires the ability to set boundaries.


+1. No kidding. When she invited herself, you should have said "no it's just us".
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 12:15     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves
boundaries, people, boundaries! Stop telling your mother everything. Stop letting her interfere in your life. I'm amazed at the number of people who allow this.

Yes, my mom is pissed I won't tell her every little detail of my life. Too bad. It's my life and I learned the hard way to set those boundaries. But I'm so much happier now, so much less stressed out.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 09:56     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves
Anonymous wrote:When she complains, tell her it's not too late for them to cancel and reassure her that it's totally fine with you if they cancel. Otherwise, when she complains say, "You know, Mom, we are hoping for a relaxing, stress-free week. No complaining, no worrying, no stress." Repeat as often as necessary and cut her off with this when she starts complaining.


+another.

In the future, if she says that sounds like fun and suggests they tag along, just respond, "Sorry Mom. We decided we need to have a quiet vacation with just us." and suggest an alternate time for them to come to visit you. The key is to offer an alternative visit with the grandkids while excluding them from coming along. If you can tolerate it suggest that they come New Year's, MLK weekend or similar to come and visit at your home where they can be the main feature of the visit. And definitely make sure you do not give details of your trip. So say you're going to the Caribbean without telling her which island. Or if you have to tell her which island, do not mention which resort/hotel.

Going forward from this, tell her that you originally planned this vacation as a way to get away and relax and if it isn't relaxing for her, then it isn't too late to cancel and instead schedule a visit to you at home after the holidays when they can have a nicer less stressful and more enjoyable visit with the grandkids doing things the way she prefers.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2016 09:42     Subject: doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves
Anonymous wrote:There was...but it requires the ability to set boundaries.


THIS