Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blaming is learned form of communication. You need to stop using that form of communication. It is passive aggressive.

Stop using blaming in your house.

Do you say to your H, "we don't have eggs" or do you say "you forgot to get the eggs"

You need to learn to communicate in your house without blaming. You son has learned that somebody has to be blamed.

The phone is lost... why to do you have to blame somebody for it being lost.>>

I think this is kind of pyschobabble. I teen gets angry about his phone missing and lashes out. For him it's a big deal -- why did this happen, someone has to be responsible. It may not be a mature response, but you can't assume it's learned communication from our house.

communication methods are learned.

For example, "YOU" statements are learned, if your family uses the word "you" a lot, it is learned to talk that way. Count how many times you use you. if it is often, you may want to read bout you statements.

You didn't take out the trash. vs Please take out the trash

It's not psycho-babble ... communication is learned in business school, journalism, public relations, consulting... not in psychology class . Communication methodology is very important part of dealing with people and getting buy in.

12:44 here. I can assure you that we do not assign blame in our house. Yet, like the OP's DS, my DS blames everyone else for whatever he's lost, what he's annoyed by, what he's frustrated by....pretty much every one but himself.

And, saying 'you didn't take out the trash' isn't a blame statement. In our house, it's a fact, a statement. As in, 'You were to take out the trash before playing on your phone. You didn't take out the trash. You cannot play on your phone until you take out the trash.'

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blaming is learned form of communication. You need to stop using that form of communication. It is passive aggressive.

Stop using blaming in your house.

Do you say to your H, "we don't have eggs" or do you say "you forgot to get the eggs"

You need to learn to communicate in your house without blaming. You son has learned that somebody has to be blamed.

The phone is lost... why to do you have to blame somebody for it being lost.>>

I think this is kind of pyschobabble. I teen gets angry about his phone missing and lashes out. For him it's a big deal -- why did this happen, someone has to be responsible. It may not be a mature response, but you can't assume it's learned communication from our house.

communication methods are learned.

For example, "YOU" statements are learned, if your family uses the word "you" a lot, it is learned to talk that way. Count how many times you use you. if it is often, you may want to read bout you statements.

You didn't take out the trash. vs Please take out the trash

It's not psycho-babble ... communication is learned in business school, journalism, public relations, consulting... not in psychology class . Communication methodology is very important part of dealing with people and getting buy in.

Anonymous wrote:Blaming is learned form of communication. You need to stop using that form of communication. It is passive aggressive.

Stop using blaming in your house.

Do you say to your H, "we don't have eggs" or do you say "you forgot to get the eggs"

You need to learn to communicate in your house without blaming. You son has learned that somebody has to be blamed.

The phone is lost... why to do you have to blame somebody for it being lost.>>

I think this is kind of pyschobabble. I teen gets angry about his phone missing and lashes out. For him it's a big deal -- why did this happen, someone has to be responsible. It may not be a mature response, but you can't assume it's learned communication from our house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop thinking he can be different/(your definition of normal).

He is living with a different brain than you and you don't understand it. There is nothing you can do that can make him think like you do. Pointing out all his mistakes and making him admit it was his mistake is like pointing out to a person in a wheelchair that they can't walk up stairs and asking them to admit that it is their fault that they can't walk up stairs. It's mean and demoralizing.

If he loses his phone he lives with the consequences of not having his phone. Ignore his questions or insinuations that somebody moved it.

Turn on track my phone... that is a tool to find the phone. He will never remember where he put it.... NEVER, his brain does not store information like that. There should be 1 place in his room that the phone goes, 1 place on the 1st floor. If he has a system in place to replace the short term memory everybody else has he will learn, my phone is always by the couch or on the night stand. If it's not he gets frustrated and he learns. (YOU CAN'T TEACH HIM THAT.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201311/adhd-adults-what-it-feels-have-adhd

But the issue is that he's blaming her. If the person in the wheelchair turned to you and said it's YOUR FAULT I can't walk up stairs, that would be unacceptable as well. Accepting responsibility is a really important part of life, and doesn't always mean "blame" is assigned. In other words, the child needs to be able to acknowledge the fact that "I didn't do my homework this week." It's not a "who's to blame" issue, it's just a fact. Then you work on problem solving why homework wasn't done and what support he might need to help get homework done.
My son is a bit younger, with ADHD, and we struggle with the same thing. I say something very basic, like "It's getting late, and it's time for you to go upstairs and brush your teeth." And he will start screaming at me that it's my fault that he hasn't gone upstairs yet, because I didn't [insert nonsensical reason here]. This is something we're working on. I always try to stress that it's not about deciding whose fault something is, it's about figuring out how to solve a problem and move forward.

Also, I disagree with you that he will NEVER remember where he put the phone. That's just defeatist. I have pretty bad ADHD (un-medicated). It's true I often don't remember where I put my phone. But I establish routines that assist me in remembering where I put it. And I force myself to pay attention when I am out of the routine. (E.g., I am out and I do not have my purse. So I will focus on where I am putting my phone -- in my coat pocket -- so I don't flip out and panick when I can't find it. In my coat pocket, coat pocket, think like a pocket dial, it's in the pocket. Or whatever.) Just cause you're brain is wired differently, doesn't mean you can't figure out ways to do it -- it just means you need to put more work into it, figure out what works for you, and cut yourself some slack if you fail sometimes.

I think that you can expect a child to stop blaming his parents, but the notion that a child (with or without ADHD) should "learn from his mistakes" is just a non-starter. Children do not have the maturity to learn life lessons all the time. And it's pedantic and kind of creepy to expect a child to constantly focus on "life lessons" in addition to their schoolwork.