Anonymous wrote:We don't really exchange holiday gifts with adults in my family, so this would be okay for most things. Also, remembering birthdays and sending Mother's Day cards, etc is something that we each handle for our side of the family. If DH forgets, I probably wouldn't even know.

I also don't send out Christmas cards every year, but on the years that I do send them out, I wouldn't exclude DHs family. That seems like taking it too far. Maybe I would make him address envelopes or something, but I wouldn't deliberately skip his side.

Agreed, it's fine to split responsibilities like this, but if you're sending Christmas cards, send them to the whole family! (Yes, that includes DHs side)

After our first Christmas living together, I told DH that he needed to handle presents/cards for his side of the family. That first Christmas, I did it all because I knew he wasn't and I'd get labeled the bad girlfriend. When I saw how little my efforts meant, I decided it wasn't worth it. Our second Christmas, I told him he could buy the presents or I'd make a donation in their name to charity. He chose to do the charity. The third Christmas, I told him he needed to make the donation or buy gifts. He did neither.

We've now been married/living together 25 years. I'm SO very glad I set boundaries early on. Our lives have only gotten more complicated and most of the extra work has fallen to me. I'm glad I don't have the added burden of buying gifts for his family.

Can we please all show this thread to the husbands in our lives? Men need to step up!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel sad when I read posts like yours, OP. It's more important for you to be right than it is to live in a happy, healthy marriage. When you get married you merge families. Your DH's parents are part of your family now. Why are you keeping score on who is doing more in your marriage? You are supposed to be a team.

I've been married for 30 years. I've watched lots of marriages fail. In every singe case, the wife sounded exactly like you. If you continue this type of thinking, you will end up divorced. Maybe that's ok with you. But I promise you, your DH will not stay married to someone who keeps score, who is on the lookout for any perceived hint of unfair treatment, and who treats his family as less-than.

Weird. All of the marriages I've seen fail were the ones like OP's mother - where the female was expected to take on all of the household tasks by virtue of being female. Women work these days - so it no longer makes sense for all obligations to be dumped on her. MIL raised a son - if she didn't raise him to care about purchasing gifts, sending thank you notes, etc., that's on her.

Yep, my own parents' divorce was because my dad treated my mother like his secretary despite the fact that Mom is/was the breadwinner and worked 2x the hours he did in addition to doing everything related to raising us kids. Same dynamic with my in-laws, FIL wanted to be king of his castle and MIL got sick of it. I'm one of three children and so far, we have 2 healthy marriages where the men are expected to pull their weight and one failed marriage where resentment over living with a man-child ruined the relationship.

I'm so thankful I'm married to a grown up that loves his family of origin a ton and wants to put in the effort of getting gifts for them because making them happy makes him happy.

In theory I leave it to DH. But that ends up stressing me out even more as I DO care if his family gets crappy gifts or no gifts from us, and he leaves everything until the absolute last minute and orders weird/and or cheap stuff for them. If I didn't care it would be easier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel sad when I read posts like yours, OP. It's more important for you to be right than it is to live in a happy, healthy marriage. When you get married you merge families. Your DH's parents are part of your family now. Why are you keeping score on who is doing more in your marriage? You are supposed to be a team.

I've been married for 30 years. I've watched lots of marriages fail. In every singe case, the wife sounded exactly like you. If you continue this type of thinking, you will end up divorced. Maybe that's ok with you. But I promise you, your DH will not stay married to someone who keeps score, who is on the lookout for any perceived hint of unfair treatment, and who treats his family as less-than.

And there are many unhappy marriages where the wife takes on almost all the responsibility for the home, child care, managing family relations, etc while working full-time as well. It's ok to set limits.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I always feel sad when I read posts like yours, OP. It's more important for you to be right than it is to live in a happy, healthy marriage. When you get married you merge families. Your DH's parents are part of your family now. Why are you keeping score on who is doing more in your marriage? You are supposed to be a team.

I've been married for 30 years. I've watched lots of marriages fail. In every singe case, the wife sounded exactly like you. If you continue this type of thinking, you will end up divorced. Maybe that's ok with you. But I promise you, your DH will not stay married to someone who keeps score, who is on the lookout for any perceived hint of unfair treatment, and who treats his family as less-than.

Weird. All of the marriages I've seen fail were the ones like OP's mother - where the female was expected to take on all of the household tasks by virtue of being female. Women work these days - so it no longer makes sense for all obligations to be dumped on her. MIL raised a son - if she didn't raise him to care about purchasing gifts, sending thank you notes, etc., that's on her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL does this with some things, and it feels a little like a slap in the face. I get that I'm not HER sister, but does that mean I'm nothing to her?

I guess if I had a husband who was slacking, I'd share the tasks differently--either letting him be in charge of whole tasks that I didn't care about, or sitting down with him to do the tasks that affect both of our families (gifts for nieces and nephews, holiday cards, etc.)

Who does it feel like a slap in the face from, your brother or his wife?

Both. My brother because he is a slacker when it comes to family relationships, and my SIl because she goes along with it.

My mother in law gets me and our sons Christmas gifts so it seems fair to me that I get her gifts in return. I get some and DH gets the others.

Birthdays are another story. We are never together for birthdays. I used to remind DH multiple times and help him pull stuff together to send and DH would get all the credit about how wonderful he is, etc... I didn't get acknowledged. So now I let DH take care of things on his own and her card hasn't been on time since.

I don't buy gifts for my in laws. He doesn't buy gifts for my parents. I manage my family and he manages his. If he forgets to send a mother's day/godchild's bday/family wedding present then that's on him. I'm not his secretary.

I hate to say it, but sometimes I find myself asking my husband: What would happen if I died in an auto accident or something? Would your kids never see their grandparents ever again? Get nothing for Christmas because you don't shop? Have no one acknowledge their birthday?

Presumably if I were dead, he would step up to the plate -- so it's clearly a choice now to be a free-rider and let someone else do all the work.

Anonymous wrote:I always feel sad when I read posts like yours, OP. It's more important for you to be right than it is to live in a happy, healthy marriage. When you get married you merge families. Your DH's parents are part of your family now. Why are you keeping score on who is doing more in your marriage? You are supposed to be a team.

I've been married for 30 years. I've watched lots of marriages fail. In every singe case, the wife sounded exactly like you. If you continue this type of thinking, you will end up divorced. Maybe that's ok with you. But I promise you, your DH will not stay married to someone who keeps score, who is on the lookout for any perceived hint of unfair treatment, and who treats his family as less-than.

And there are many unhappy marriages where the wife takes on almost all the responsibility for the home, child care, managing family relations, etc while working full-time as well. It's ok to set limits.

OP, sounds like you don't like his family. If you did like them, I'd say it's kinder to just do some kind of easy present like magazine subscription, hat-and-scarf, Harry & David, etc. Or order everything from Amazon and have it delivered directly to them. They know it's from you, and it's an easy way to do something nice. But if you don't want to, then don't.

Well, DH sends his mom a check every year, so I guess that counts as a gift.

He sends her birthday and Mother's Day cards; I send my own parents theirs. We each do holiday cards to our own friends/family. I have a much longer list than he does, so I'm certainly not adding to my pile with his family/friends. We don't do gifts for adults other than a Secret Santa thing on my side.

I have always done for my MIL as that is his mom (he would not do it) and I used to do it for his nieces/nephews and kids but no one ever acknowledged the gifts (except his mom) so I stopped (except his mom). He has always been on his own with his dad. The guy can't remember my name so I'm not going out of my way to buy him a gift.