Anonymous
11/17/2016 18:46
Subject: Re:If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Anonymous wrote:I would dump her.
I have never ever heard of a relationship being fixed. All that gets fixed are appearances for family and maybe friends. Your spouse has a fundamental misconception of the nature and role of loyalty. As you are not children, there is no possibility to have any emotional learning, your brains are past that point, you are both way too old. Your spouse does not "get" loyalty and while she may overcome this temptation now, she won't overcome the next one or the one after. It's just a matter of time. Your spouse is keeping it out in the open because this is the best way to manipulate you so she can have her cake and eat it too.
You would be much better of if she had one off sex with a stranger while remaining loyal to you. Sex is trivial. Emotions are heavy stuff. They obviously like each other.
Also, don't get manipulated into seeing marriage counselors: they are a greedy bunch who know from their own experiences that the only fix is when one person swallows their pride and lives on in inner misery provided the other one accepts to put up with the ugliness. But they take your money and tell you BS. What they don't tell you is their success rate (practically zero, i.e worse than random).
You got one life, there will be no reruns showing. Be smart.
THIS insane advice. NOTHING has happened yet.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 18:31
Subject: Re:If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What do you mean? An attraction? Flirty friendship? Texts and emails exchanged?
OP here: She's starting to talk about a coworker every day. I know him - he's a tall, built, good looking guy. I noticed that they have quite a few texts going back and forth with lots of jokes about work and have lunch together multiple times a week. We have lunch together about once every two weeks. The texts haven't crossed the line but lots of jokes and rainbows, unicorns, funny memes that I sent her, etc.
We have a good marriage if not always exciting.
Tell her you are uncomfortable now before you hold it all in and build a wall of tension.
This...and if she calls you out on jealousy...then she's hiding something. She should respect your decision.
Beyond that, not much you can do, she's going to do what she does. She has to make a decision what is more important, your marriage or her tingles.
If you communicate up front you don't like the tone of the conversations and you're firm and honest, she should respect that. If not - hit the gym and work on your game...
I would actually be really mad if my husband was upset with me having a male friend and accused me of being inappropriate. I would be careful on how to talk to her about it.
It would be best to use "I" statements instead of telling her how she's wrong. Say "I am feeling jealous/worried when you text and hang out with Bob all the time." This allows her the opportunity to apologize and try to make things right. Do Not say "You are flirting with Bob and it is wrong and you will ruin our marriage." This would immediately put her on the defensive ("It is not wrong to text my friends!") and make her less likely to address the problem.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 18:11
Subject: Re:If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
yIn other words, keep being the best man, father and husband you can be..
This is insanely stupid advice. Do not compete or "rise to the challenge". This justifies her insanity and delusion that she is worth fighting over. Her behavior plainly shows she is not.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 18:08
Subject: Re:If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
I would dump her.
I have never ever heard of a relationship being fixed. All that gets fixed are appearances for family and maybe friends. Your spouse has a fundamental misconception of the nature and role of loyalty. As you are not children, there is no possibility to have any emotional learning, your brains are past that point, you are both way too old. Your spouse does not "get" loyalty and while she may overcome this temptation now, she won't overcome the next one or the one after. It's just a matter of time. Your spouse is keeping it out in the open because this is the best way to manipulate you so she can have her cake and eat it too.
You would be much better of if she had one off sex with a stranger while remaining loyal to you. Sex is trivial. Emotions are heavy stuff. They obviously like each other.
Also, don't get manipulated into seeing marriage counselors: they are a greedy bunch who know from their own experiences that the only fix is when one person swallows their pride and lives on in inner misery provided the other one accepts to put up with the ugliness. But they take your money and tell you BS. What they don't tell you is their success rate (practically zero, i.e worse than random).
You got one life, there will be no reruns showing. Be smart.
I have never ever heard of a relationship being fixed. All that gets fixed are appearances for family and maybe friends. Your spouse has a fundamental misconception of the nature and role of loyalty. As you are not children, there is no possibility to have any emotional learning, your brains are past that point, you are both way too old. Your spouse does not "get" loyalty and while she may overcome this temptation now, she won't overcome the next one or the one after. It's just a matter of time. Your spouse is keeping it out in the open because this is the best way to manipulate you so she can have her cake and eat it too.
You would be much better of if she had one off sex with a stranger while remaining loyal to you. Sex is trivial. Emotions are heavy stuff. They obviously like each other.
Also, don't get manipulated into seeing marriage counselors: they are a greedy bunch who know from their own experiences that the only fix is when one person swallows their pride and lives on in inner misery provided the other one accepts to put up with the ugliness. But they take your money and tell you BS. What they don't tell you is their success rate (practically zero, i.e worse than random).
You got one life, there will be no reruns showing. Be smart.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 17:05
Subject: Re:If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What do you mean? An attraction? Flirty friendship? Texts and emails exchanged?
OP here: She's starting to talk about a coworker every day. I know him - he's a tall, built, good looking guy. I noticed that they have quite a few texts going back and forth with lots of jokes about work and have lunch together multiple times a week. We have lunch together about once every two weeks. The texts haven't crossed the line but lots of jokes and rainbows, unicorns, funny memes that I sent her, etc.
We have a good marriage if not always exciting.
Tell her you are uncomfortable now before you hold it all in and build a wall of tension.
This...and if she calls you out on jealousy...then she's hiding something. She should respect your decision.
Beyond that, not much you can do, she's going to do what she does. She has to make a decision what is more important, your marriage or her tingles.
If you communicate up front you don't like the tone of the conversations and you're firm and honest, she should respect that. If not - hit the gym and work on your game...
I'm already pretty fit and probably wouldn't change much if I were single.
If that's the case, ensure your SMV and economic viability are higher than his, and comparable or higher than your wife's. She's going to do what she's going to do, being overprotective isn't going to sway her mind if she's already thinking about having an affair. Tell her when you think the communication between her and her guy friend is appropriate and tell her to stop. Do not confront him or even acknowledge he's a threat otherwise he'll co wider you weak and move in, it's a move I've done before. As soon as the husband acknowledged me as a threat...I pounced and she was receptive.
In other words, keep being the best man, father and husband you can be..you do you boo
Anonymous
11/17/2016 16:50
Subject: If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Anonymous wrote:Send her flowers to work and then take her out for lunch when she calls to thank you.
I never know what day she'll be working from home or in her office. I'll pick some up for her tonight.
I also got a baby sitter for us this weekend.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 16:48
Subject: If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Send her flowers to work and then take her out for lunch when she calls to thank you.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 16:33
Subject: If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ramp it up in the bedroom.
We have sex about 2x a week. Its good sex and I make sure she O's every time but its routine (same 3 positions). She doesn't seem interested in branching out and trying new things so I do my best to keep it exciting. I'm fit, reasonably good looking and a good dresser.
Id bang you reverse cowgirl.
That's the DW's specialty (one of our same 3 positions) and I seriously doubt anyone could match her.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 16:32
Subject: Re:If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What do you mean? An attraction? Flirty friendship? Texts and emails exchanged?
OP here: She's starting to talk about a coworker every day. I know him - he's a tall, built, good looking guy. I noticed that they have quite a few texts going back and forth with lots of jokes about work and have lunch together multiple times a week. We have lunch together about once every two weeks. The texts haven't crossed the line but lots of jokes and rainbows, unicorns, funny memes that I sent her, etc.
We have a good marriage if not always exciting.
Tell her you are uncomfortable now before you hold it all in and build a wall of tension.
This...and if she calls you out on jealousy...then she's hiding something. She should respect your decision.
Beyond that, not much you can do, she's going to do what she does. She has to make a decision what is more important, your marriage or her tingles.
If you communicate up front you don't like the tone of the conversations and you're firm and honest, she should respect that. If not - hit the gym and work on your game...
I'm already pretty fit and probably wouldn't change much if I were single.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 14:46
Subject: If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ramp it up in the bedroom.
We have sex about 2x a week. Its good sex and I make sure she O's every time but its routine (same 3 positions). She doesn't seem interested in branching out and trying new things so I do my best to keep it exciting. I'm fit, reasonably good looking and a good dresser.
Id bang you reverse cowgirl.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 14:45
Subject: Re:If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What do you mean? An attraction? Flirty friendship? Texts and emails exchanged?
OP here: She's starting to talk about a coworker every day. I know him - he's a tall, built, good looking guy. I noticed that they have quite a few texts going back and forth with lots of jokes about work and have lunch together multiple times a week. We have lunch together about once every two weeks. The texts haven't crossed the line but lots of jokes and rainbows, unicorns, funny memes that I sent her, etc.
We have a good marriage if not always exciting.
Tell her you are uncomfortable now before you hold it all in and build a wall of tension.
This...and if she calls you out on jealousy...then she's hiding something. She should respect your decision.
Beyond that, not much you can do, she's going to do what she does. She has to make a decision what is more important, your marriage or her tingles.
If you communicate up front you don't like the tone of the conversations and you're firm and honest, she should respect that. If not - hit the gym and work on your game...
Anonymous
11/17/2016 14:32
Subject: Re:If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What do you mean? An attraction? Flirty friendship? Texts and emails exchanged?
OP here: She's starting to talk about a coworker every day. I know him - he's a tall, built, good looking guy. I noticed that they have quite a few texts going back and forth with lots of jokes about work and have lunch together multiple times a week. We have lunch together about once every two weeks. The texts haven't crossed the line but lots of jokes and rainbows, unicorns, funny memes that I sent her, etc.
We have a good marriage if not always exciting.
Make your marriage exciting. Flirting with a good looking guy is exciting, so you need to be more exciting than him.
OP here - a 15 year marriage with kids can't compete (excitement - wise) with flirting with a good looking new guy. I'm just going to be direct and make sure she's clear how I feel about her and what's at stake.
Sure it can. I'd rather have excitement from my DH than some new hot thing. It just takes some effort.
You only seek out excitement with a random guy (in a serious way) when you're feeling no excitement or connection in your marriage. While marriage excitement can't compete with the excitement of a flirtation, a happy fulfilling one where you feel loved, supported, and engaged (that part is key) can easily compete overall. Make sure she feels like you find her interesting and sexy and fun and like the highlight of your day.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 13:25
Subject: Re:If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What do you mean? An attraction? Flirty friendship? Texts and emails exchanged?
OP here: She's starting to talk about a coworker every day. I know him - he's a tall, built, good looking guy. I noticed that they have quite a few texts going back and forth with lots of jokes about work and have lunch together multiple times a week. We have lunch together about once every two weeks. The texts haven't crossed the line but lots of jokes and rainbows, unicorns, funny memes that I sent her, etc.
We have a good marriage if not always exciting.
Make your marriage exciting. Flirting with a good looking guy is exciting, so you need to be more exciting than him.
OP here - a 15 year marriage with kids can't compete (excitement - wise) with flirting with a good looking new guy. I'm just going to be direct and make sure she's clear how I feel about her and what's at stake.
Sure it can. I'd rather have excitement from my DH than some new hot thing. It just takes some effort.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 12:17
Subject: Re:If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What do you mean? An attraction? Flirty friendship? Texts and emails exchanged?
OP here: She's starting to talk about a coworker every day. I know him - he's a tall, built, good looking guy. I noticed that they have quite a few texts going back and forth with lots of jokes about work and have lunch together multiple times a week. We have lunch together about once every two weeks. The texts haven't crossed the line but lots of jokes and rainbows, unicorns, funny memes that I sent her, etc.
We have a good marriage if not always exciting.
Tell her you are uncomfortable now before you hold it all in and build a wall of tension.
Yes, tell her you are a little uncomfortable. But under no circumstances should you accuse her of anything.
--Start working on your emotional connection with her.
--DON'T start in the bedroom. Don't ignore it, but don't start there.
--Start on more weekly/bi-weekly dates (YOU organize the sitter! YOU do the legwork!).
--Make sure you talk with her about something other than children and work every day.
--Look her in the eyes with love and lust
--Plan a weekend getaway (again, YOU do the work! It doesn't have to be a surprise, but don't put the work on her. Get her input, you call the venue).
--Have you read the 5-love languages? Read it with her, or take the quiz online and send her the results and ask her to take the quiz, too. Do what it is she needs (NEEDS) to feel loved and special.
--Send her a flirty text. Give her a gift.
This is a good list. Thanks for sharing.
Anonymous
11/17/2016 12:09
Subject: If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp
If genders had been reversed I would have just written
-BJ
-more sex
-BJ
-more sex