I'm a DIL.

Yes, it is odd that they didn't mention this at all to you and just sent the evite. It is not odd that they chose the guest list and didn't include your guests. It's their event to invite whomever they would like to.

There is definitely more going on. Maybe they anticipated the reaction you would have and wanted you to have time to cool off. Maybe an evite is the way DIL family is used to doing things. Maybe your lifelong friend did or said something to offend DIL and she didn't want to spend her Thanksgiving with them. Maybe they just really wanted to start their own tradition. Who knows!

Yes, talk to your son. Calmly.
Yes, expect things to change when kids get married and they want to do things differently.
Yes, they can invite whomever they want.
No, you shouldn't ask them to invite your guests.
Yes, it is OK for you to decline their invitation and continue hosting as usual.

Don't let this be the reason you don't have a good relationship with them. Decide how you want to spend your Thanksgiving and MOVE ON. Don't let this be the fire starter for a decades long grudge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't your SON discuss it with you?

+1 And, your 'lifelong friends' are not her friends. It sounds like your DS and DIL want to start their own tradition. Don't know why you're blaming it on your DIL.

This. They are a family now and want to have their own traditions. It isn't callous. You go or don't.

Op, the way we handle sensitive extended family situations in my family is that I am in charge of talking to my parents, and DH is in charge of talking to his parents.

Unless you're certain that your DIL decided to host thanksgiving without your son's approval and knowledge, you should be upset with him, not her. Of course, it's probably so much easier to be upset with her than with your own son...

Bottom line: you need to talk to your son.

Times change, op. Part of growing up is taking control of the traditions you want to control.

If it is just one couple you would like to include, call and ask to include them. U less your son really did marry the devil, they should be happy to include your people at their table.

I am a MIL and a DIL. I'm guessing there is way more to this story. If my DIL sent me an e-vite for Thanksgiving it would be so weird that I would honestly assume her email had been hacked and it was spam. I talk to my son and my DIL about once a week. Often more often. If she were making plans for Thanksgiving, I would know. This year we are all going over to my parents' house. They are eating with us at 2pm then heading over to her grandparents' house for dessert. I know all this because I have a good relationship with my son and his wife. It sounds like you don't have that. And if the two of you are not close, I think you should be happy you were invited.

You can tell your friends that you already have plans. You could still host and just work around your DIL's timetable - plan your meal for a different time on Thursday or better still, do yours on Friday. Or you can decline you DIL's invitation. However, if you care about the relationship beteeen you and your son and DIL, declining is a really bad decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not so confrontational as poor-me-all-I-wanted-was-advice ...

Op, you are willing dial up the drama by criticizing your DIL on an anonymous forum. You were NOT asking for advice. You wanted to complain.

I am not criticizing her! I am presenting a difficult scenario in a succinct manner, and asked for advice.

Your entire OP was critical.

I agree that it is a little odd if you hve always hosted and this is the very first time you're hearing about it. Are you sure they haven't mentioned wanting to start their own traditions at some point? You can't ask them to include your friends, but you certainly can still host your own event and invite them.

Also not sure why the blame is all on your DIL when your son is just as responsible. You think she just decided to host thanksgiving and sent out the evite without discussing it with him? She likely has an evite account already from hosting showers and kids birthdays, with addresses stored, so that is why they used her account. You have no idea if it was all your son's idea, or maybe he said he would call you and didn't tell her he forgot or whatever.

Ha!

Anonymous wrote:Not so confrontational as poor-me-all-I-wanted-was-advice ...

Op, you are willing dial up the drama by criticizing your DIL on an anonymous forum. You were NOT asking for advice. You wanted to complain.

I am not criticizing her! I am presenting a difficult scenario in a succinct manner, and asked for advice.

22:07 here

But yeah, taken on its surface without any backstory, it does seem like an odd power play.

Anonymous wrote:I'm on OP's side here, and I'm a DIL, not a MIL. If there's a long-standing family tradition for Thanksgiving, which it sounds like there is in this case, then it seems unkind to me for the son and DIL to jump in and change it without even mentioning it to OP first. It's not that OP has the right to host Thanksgiving forever, but the way DIL did this was very thoughtless.

+1. Also a DIL. Seems like an unnecessary way to start drama. If DS and DIL want to host, all they had to do was say so. Then ILs can decide whether to go or continue hosting life long friends. But I think this falls on DIL and DS equally. And DS should have said something!

Not so confrontational as poor-me-all-I-wanted-was-advice ...

Op, you are willing dial up the drama by criticizing your DIL on an anonymous forum. You were NOT asking for advice. You wanted to complain.

Anonymous wrote:I'm on OP's side here, and I'm a DIL, not a MIL. If there's a long-standing family tradition for Thanksgiving, which it sounds like there is in this case, then it seems unkind to me for the son and DIL to jump in and change it without even mentioning it to OP first. It's not that OP has the right to host Thanksgiving forever, but the way DIL did this was very thoughtless.

+1 Im also a DIL, for what it's worth.

However, consider that she might have sent it out with your son's encouraging. My husband is conflict avoidant and he doesn't indulge his challenging mother much. I follow his lead on how to deal with his mother, even when I don't agree, since I don't have much of my own relationship with her. I could totally see having a conversation with my husband, explaining why I feel we need to do our own thing this year and him telling me to send out the evite and not worry about it.

There's no way to know what the backstory is here. But I do wonder if you're a bit more difficult than you realize (difficult people rarely realize that they're tough). The way you described your friends as having been around for far longer than her made me cringe.

I'm a DIL and think this is extremely odd of your DIL. Thanksgiving is a family holiday and she and/or your son should have discussed this with you.

It could have been done better but I'm guessing there is history here.

The tone of Op is confrontational. I'm guessing DIL knew there would be drama.