And about your step MIL, keep strong boundaries. People with your mom's issues are often good at convincing others to follow their agenda, so your mom has her pushing your boundaries on her behalf. That's a part of what makes it hard to deal with--pressure from others who really are misguided.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Delete it! Its not your place to put your step-mil in the middle of it. Your mom may have had a bad childhood and is just trying to survive by latching on to any man that will provide the basics rather than a "good" man.

OP here, and I probably won't send it, but... she put herself in the middle by 1) inviting my mother to come stay with her for extended visits after I limited her visits with me, and 2) taking me to lunch to try to further welcome my mother into my life.

Picture me, singing loudly. BOUNDARIES! OP, you need boundaries with your mom AND your stepmom. Her relationship with her mother is not your relationship with your mother. "You don't know everything Jane, and it's not an appropriate discussion for us to have. You'll have to respect this boundary."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Why do you feel the need to obtain her approval?

I felt really judged after her talk with me at our lunch, and like she did not get the seriousness of the issues I have with my mom, and thus probably figured I was holding some sort of unnecessary grudge.

OP, you might gain some insight from this:
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/mothers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Delete it! Its not your place to put your step-mil in the middle of it. Your mom may have had a bad childhood and is just trying to survive by latching on to any man that will provide the basics rather than a "good" man.

OP here, and I probably won't send it, but... she put herself in the middle by 1) inviting my mother to come stay with her for extended visits after I limited her visits with me, and 2) taking me to lunch to try to further welcome my mother into my life.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Why do you feel the need to obtain her approval?

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP. I am so struck by how you described childhood abuse and yet it wasn't the first thing on your list. Your mother repeatedly chose men over her children, allowed her children to be abused, abused them herself, and refused (and refuses) to acknowledge her mistakes.

She's not strange. She's mentally ill, and she's manipulating you even now.

She will always fight against any boundaries you try to set. That is who she is. SET THEM, protect yourself, and limit your interactions with her to a minimum. Is it possible she could be a decent grandmother? Sure. Maybe. But she was a shitty mom and still is.

Totally agree. I think less is more when it comes to this person. Do not give her an inch. I know it is so hard, she is your mom. Still, keep your distance and set firm boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Delete it! Its not your place to put your step-mil in the middle of it. Your mom may have had a bad childhood and is just trying to survive by latching on to any man that will provide the basics rather than a "good" man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again. I was so chilled by your description, I forgot to say that we keep contact with his mom to a minimum. Luckily she's not interested in our kids. I think you should draw strong boundaries and keep your distance, OP. This is serious personality disorder stuff.

Thankfully we usually only see her about once a year, twice at the most.

She's just so bizarre. I always thought my perception of her was just skewed due to all of the issues I have with her, but my DH thinks she's weird, and it recently came out in conversation with another friend that she thinks my mom is pretty strange, too.

Yes, my husband always saw his mom as normal too. He accepted the whole package of denial and twisted unreality, and spent his life repeating and living out everything she'd told him--about how amazing she was, how bad and weak he was, how she was always right and he was always wrong and he could never do enough to deserve her love and approval, etc. As a child, you naturally believe what your parents say and do is real, and that it's normal. What else do you know?

Luckily, it sounds as if you're catching on earlier than my husband did, and you're open to hearing others validate that it's not you, it's HER. This helps. My husband needed to hit rock bottom in his life and do tons of therapy work before he could start parsing out the reality from his mom's thorough control over him. He says it's like he was brainwashed all his life, and now it's so obvious.

OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Narcissistic. I have a mother who is pretty much like your mom but not as bad.

I also couldn't have her with me at my second birth of child. She was pissed but eventually got over it. You just have to do what you feel comfortable with. It's about you and your kids. You come first.

I finally mourned the mom I wish I had and have now realized that she will never understand my hurt or change. She chooses to sweep all things under the rug, not that I am dwelling on the past. Since she is starting to get older the roles are reversing that I am starting to check in on her. In a weird way I still love her and miss her and will be sad when she dies but I am still so hurt and upset at her choices even though she will never understand.

It's complicated I guess.

Even if she IS mentally ill, that doesn't excuse her actions. When you become a parent you have an obligation towards your child. If you can't do that, you should either get yourself to a point where you can through social services and therapy and family help, or give your kids to someone else to raise them.

We can pathologize any behavior. Even if there's a reason, people are still responsible for their actions. Your mothers' were and are, unacceptable. I think you need to mourn the relationship you wish you had with your mother, and the relationship you wish she could have with your children as a grandma, and regard her more as a kooky old lady friend. That will help you mentally put the boundaries in place that you need, both in your life, but also in your mind and heart.

I'm sorry, OP. You don't have to talk to your mom if you don't want to. You're under no obligation. She sounds horrid.

Sometimes when our parents do things that are wrong or crazy, we doubt our instincts and think those actions are normal. It's not normal or at least, not Ok to stay with a man who assaulted your child. Not OK to leave your kids while you go partying. etc. etc.

I think you need to talk to a therapist and figure out what is wrong with your mom and whether she is someone who should be a part of your life. Eso. coming to stay at your home. Esp if you have young child(ren).

OP here, and I want to say thank you for the replies and the compassion. For some reason, I expected to get slammed for my post. My step-MIL (the one who has a friendship with my mother) recently took me out to lunch in order to tell me about all the regrets she had when her own mother died, I assume in an effort to get me to be more welcoming to my mother.

My step-MIL really is a wonderful, kind and thoughtful woman, I just don't think she gets the depth of my issues with my mom (although she does know about the most serious one regarding my mom's husband).

It left me feeling like I was a huge jerk for putting in place the boundaries that I have, and for not welcoming my mother into my life.