Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

You are an idiot. It's not about the amount of time spent with her friends. She is 11. She does not want to trick or treat with her famy! Why is this not getting thru to you? She should have been allowed to trick or treat with her friends, and then your DH could have brought to to his house after. My parents were divorced and split holidays but I was never forced to skip fun events with friends because of whose day it was. I feel sorry for the poor girl.

Anonymous wrote:Last night stepdaughter age 11 wanted to go out trick or treating with her friends. DH originally told her no because the custody agreement is that she has holidays with him and our family. I agreed with his stance.

DSD then throws a tantrum saying , she wished she could live with mom all the time so DH gave into her and she went out with her friends.

DH and I then had a disagreement about him giving into her tantrum and now whenever she doesn't want to do something she's going to do the I want to live with mom thing.

I'm not completely clueless about parenting as I have a 6 year old, so I fully get picking battles, but I think this is a battle he should have picked.

Halloween isn't a holiday, first of all. It's a night for having fun with your friends. He should have just said yes from the start

Of course, 12 year old threw a fit. Tweens and teens are "grown up and mature" when it suits them. Otherwise they act like 2 year olds. You need the book "yes, your teen is crazy." It showcases this exact behavior. However, this was a fight that shouldn't have happened. Even though SD spends time with her friends, it was Halloween. It is a great fun to dress up and they are acting like total little kids ,these tweens, with regards with Halloween. She is saying I am old enough to know what and with whom I want to spend Halloween, but I am young enough not to know how to rationally explain it to you, so I will throw a tantrum. Typical teen behavior. It is unreasonable to deny her trick or treating with friends, and it was good that your DH stood down. This is not setting some precedent at all, it is just one night. Life is give and take, lose and win. This was a good fight to lose.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

Yu are actually even more wrong with this new info.

So what? Seeing your friends at school has nothing to do with trick or treating. You aren't helping your case.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

Yu are actually even more wrong with this new info.

OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who keeps their 11-year old kids from going out with their friends on Halloween? Nobody. Don't make her pay some weird price for her parents' inability to stay married.

This

+2. This. Plus as a kid who had divorced parents, there was nothing that sucked more or made me angrier than being told No, because the custody agreement says this is my time. As in-- no you can't attend your best friend's sleepover/ weekend tennis team retreat/ afternoon church activity/ study at a friend's house, because the custody agreement says this is my weekend. Double points if it is "my week" during the summmer, so no swim team, day camps, playing at friend's houses, etc, jackpot if dad is a surgeon and you go the whole weekend, sitting at his house with stepmom, not spending time with friends and dad isn't even home. But it's his weekend.

Seriously, this is only going to happen more frequently as you hit adolescence. You and her father can either give this child the freedom to be a "normal" tween or teen, despite her parents' divorce. Or you can have a resentful kid who stop visiting as soon as she is legally allowed. Now, if that is your goal, you're on the right track.

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn't have balked at her going in the first place. Halloween is far from a family bonding time type of "holiday"' especially for a preteen.
Maybe he realized he was being unreasonable and adjusted his stance.

+1

I agree with everyone here.

Are you of the impression that the custody agreement says that when it's her day to be at your house, she must literally be with you guys 100% of her time?

Anonymous wrote:Halloween is a family holiday now, evil stepmother?

Let me guess - you had a special apple for her trick-or-treat bag.

Did you let your child trick or treat with her friends, or were your plans to all stay home and make hand crafted chocolates and watch Halloween specials? Were you ever 11?

He could have gone trick or treating with her and her friends (my kids didn't mind their dad tagging along when they were 11, because it was someone to carry the heavy/hot portions of costumes as the night went on, and it meant moms weren't insisting they be home by 8, they could stay out forever because an adult was with them) if he wanted to spend time with her. But insisting she not go out with her friends is ridiculous.

If he really doesn't want her to go out with her friends, then consider letting her host a halloween party at your house with all of her friends. She happens to be at the age when some kids are starting to transition from trick or treating, so if he wants he could encourage it by making it an awesome occasion and something she can do throughout her tween and teen years.

Wow - looks like dcum is unanimous on this one.

Anonymous wrote:Who keeps their 11-year old kids from going out with their friends on Halloween? Nobody. Don't make her pay some weird price for her parents' inability to stay married.

This

Anonymous wrote:Who keeps their 11-year old kids from going out with their friends on Halloween? Nobody. Don't make her pay some weird price for her parents' inability to stay married.

I agree.

If he wanted to spend time with her, he should have gone over to her neighborhood, treated the girls to pregame pizza and trick or treated over where she lives with the friends.

Let the kid be normal when the opportunity presents itself and quit punishing her because her parents couldn't get their shit together and stay married.

You aren't completely clueless because you have a six year old?

Let me tell you, you are clueless. We're all clueless with our tweens when they first become tweens. You will be clueless again in high school. The sooner you realize that the better off for all of you.

Was this a tantrum, or just a graceless way of her saying "I want to be with my friends all the time like a normal tween, and not stuck with old guys."? It has nothing to do with mom.