Anonymous wrote:Well, first things first. Talk to him about the argument with the other boy and get to the bottom of it and make him feel heard and supported. Make it clear that you have his back no matter what. I understand your concern for him with regard to the crying, but don't let that override your initial concern for what actually transpired in the lunchroom. While you probably won't mean to, if you harp on the crying you'll just make him feel shame. Does he cry out of frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness? What are his most common crying triggers? Some people cry easily, regardless of gender or age. If you are concerned that your child is being bullied, make it clear to your son that you want to know and that you will help. If he on social media? Does he have a phone with texting capabilities? If so, start monitoring those.

Great advice!

First priority is making sure he knows you have his back. You're interested in what he thinks and feels. You're not going to criticize, judge or bury him in advice. You're on his side and always happy to listen. This has nothing to do with the crying.

Second priority is to help him talk about what happened once the dust settled. Clearly he had a big surge of feelings -- What were those feelings? What triggered them? What does he think of it all now? Would he have done anything differently or is he ok with how it went down?

If he's fine with it, I encourage you to be fine with it, too. Some kids are totally able to roll with this stuff. They're ok doing their own thing and are not as worried about what other kids think/do in response.

But if he's not fine -- if he's stressed out about crying and/or worried it will happen again -- offer to help. To me, this is totally normal stuff. How to deal with a surge of "big feelings". Middle schoolers struggle with this ALL the time. So do many adults. Nothing wrong with big feelings. The issue is how best to express them. If he's ok with the crying, that's fine at this stage. He's twelve. If not, help him learn to notice the feelings earlier -- as they're starting to build -- and then to slow things down so he's not overwhelmed and can CHOOSE how to express them in the way he wants (or CHOOSE to disengage from the situation until he can process his feelings.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's nothing wrong with a boy crying, and you shouldn't assume others will think there is.

Don't let your son think there's something wrong with him crying in front of people. You need to give the other kids a chance to show themselves as decent human beings. He's not "making himself a target." There was nothing wrong with his behavior. If someone begins to bully him, THAT is the behavior that needs to be addressed. But there may not be any of that. So don't worry ahead of time.

Just do what you can to see that your boy feels comfortable confiding in you. But otherwise, celebrate the sensitive soul he has. There is a lot in our world to bring tears to our eyes. Nothing wrong with being sensitive.

Crying is a sign of weakness, especially in middle school. OP is right to be alarmed.

OMG, you have to teach your son not to cry in public. Sorry, but the first poster's advice is not right for a 12yo boy. Younger boys then that get teased for crying.

Op please ignore a lot of these responses, your son is fine. Several of my friends have told me their son cried in MS. They are going through puberty and it is ok for boys and men to cry. I haven't heard any repercussions about the crying. Please know your son is certainly not the first or last boy to do this.

I know it's hard not to worry, but I would check in with him casually if he needs you to follow up in any way. My son peed his pants in 2nd grade when he was just two weeks into a new school. I was upset (and furious with the teacher who had refused to let him go to the bathroom). I didn't let my son know about my anger and fear, but we calmly talked about what he could do if he found himself in the same situation. He made friends and it really was a non-issue.

It does help if you can learn to be light-hearted about your personality, quirks, and mistakes.

Maybe dig up some old videos of John Boehner.

And I would highly recommend this movie about what it really means to be a boy and to grow up to be a man who can express all of his feelings without shame. Very empowering for boys and men.

http://therepresentationproject.org/film/the-mask-you-live-in/see-the-film/buy-rent-stream/

Something positive, though, is that this generation is much more accepting of boys crying. It's not as bad as it was when we were kids.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your concerned about his behavior without being concerned for him.

In cases like this, they are connected.

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever had him evaluated? Crying easily at home may be a sign of emotional issues or anxiety. Twelve seems old for crying so much at home.

Or maybe that this kid has escaped the idea that boys don't cry? Seriously, there are no red flags here.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-parenting/post/why-its-good-to-let-boys-cry/2012/05/24/gJQAx1TAnU_blog.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/10/education/edlife/teaching-men-to-be-emotionally-honest.html?_r=0
http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/06/18/482156268/is-it-ok-for-boys-to-cry

Have you ever had him evaluated? Crying easily at home may be a sign of emotional issues or anxiety. Twelve seems old for crying so much at home.

"Cries easily at home". At 12 years old? Kid has serious issues and the parents are probably the cause of it.

Anonymous wrote:Why can't we spend just as much energy teaching the other kids how to act and react and not the one who showed real human emotions? Aren't we reinforcing the wrong things here?

Do parents whose kids make fun of a child who is upset feel the need to go to the counselor to discuss their child's lack of empathy and generally bad behavior?

Rhetorical questions, but serious thoughts.

YES

Anonymous wrote:Why can't we spend just as much energy teaching the other kids how to act and react and not the one who showed real human emotions? Aren't we reinforcing the wrong things here?

Do parents whose kids make fun of a child who is upset feel the need to go to the counselor to discuss their child's lack of empathy and generally bad behavior?

Rhetorical questions, but serious thoughts.

I live in SF, though I'm from the East Coast. It's different here. If a kid trips, falls and cries, other kids may laugh, but they'll also help the victim up, say they tripped last week, offer up a band aid, etc. When a kid wacked a locker into my DD's eye, he apologized twice to her, gave her his snack, brought her to get ice, and wrote an apology note (6th grade). If one of DD's friends who is a boy cried, she and their other friends would huddle him so fewer people could see - not because they'd make fun, but to give him a sense of privacy with his feelings that he didn't mean to have come out publicly.

I have been shocked repeatedly at how kind the kids are here, and how much kids are shot down by other kids when they're mean. The kids here who are popular are the kids who are smart, funny, and KIND to everyone. The bullies aren't liked. If a kid cried at school DD might come home and tell me all about it, but she and her friends wouldn't be making fun of that boy and would be looking down on anyone who did.

Anonymous wrote:If he seems pretty fine now that the dust has settled I would let it go. Getting a counselor involved can make it seem like a. Giver deal than it really is. These things happen; it's a part of growing up. I wouldn't send the message that every negative interaction calls for professional intervention. Now, if the other kids continue to harass him or make him cry, I'd get involved. Only if it becomes a pattern of conduct.

+1

Why can't we spend just as much energy teaching the other kids how to act and react and not the one who showed real human emotions? Aren't we reinforcing the wrong things here?

Do parents whose kids make fun of a child who is upset feel the need to go to the counselor to discuss their child's lack of empathy and generally bad behavior?

Rhetorical questions, but serious thoughts.