Anonymous
10/24/2016 05:35
Subject: How to accept when SO withdraws and "needs space"
Anonymous wrote:1) Don't take it personally. He's an introvert.
2) Just because you shouldn't take it personally, doesn't mean you should put up with it. You guys are a bad fit. Will always be a bad fit. You will always be trying to be patient. He will always feel like you are pushing for more togetherness. Cut your losses and move on. Find someone more compatible.
Completely agree.
-Introvert with very extroverted DH
Anonymous
10/23/2016 09:40
Subject: Re:How to accept when SO withdraws and "needs space"
Just went to a communication class for work, but this applies to personal life. For any given situation there are only four choices, you can do nothing (inaction is actually a conscious choice), leave, change your attitude/perspective, or change your behavior. He is dealing with whatever issue you guys discussed and you are dealing with his way of dealing with issues.
My DH likes to go silent and process a situation. I have already analyzed a situation before I bring it up and will dwell on things until they are resolved. Totally different ways. What I've learned with him is that pushing won't get the issue resolved any faster and thru experience, my DH always comes back ready to talk and figure out what works for the both of us. So although my instinct is talk thru it all now, time has shown me that my patience is rewarded while my impatience is not. Over time my behavior has changed. Would a 2 month timeline work for me, probably not. Is there trust involved that I believe DH is committed to working things out and in turn that trust helps me be more patient - absolutely.
So look at the totality of your relationship. If it's not worth you giving him this time to process/work thru, be honest and move on. If the relationship is worth it to date, try to stay connected while letting him process the issue. It's fair to let him know you are dissapointed you aren't getting to spend the entire weekend together but you understand he needs time think on the issue. Maybe have a revisit in two weeks or so. Not necessarily full answers but a sense where his head is at. It is hard to explain but there is always that fine line between being understanding and being a martyr/like your wants never matter. You don't want things tip towards resentment on your part so you need to be honest with yourself and communicating with him. I don't see you being happy with radio silence for a long time or constantly canceled plans for "his space" when you have such limited time to see him and rarely get overnight opportunities. Be honest about your emotions along the way and be honest if you see a hint of it it sliding towards resentment on your part. Let the chips fall where they may. Either you will find balance with him or you find someone that will be better suited for you.
My DH likes to go silent and process a situation. I have already analyzed a situation before I bring it up and will dwell on things until they are resolved. Totally different ways. What I've learned with him is that pushing won't get the issue resolved any faster and thru experience, my DH always comes back ready to talk and figure out what works for the both of us. So although my instinct is talk thru it all now, time has shown me that my patience is rewarded while my impatience is not. Over time my behavior has changed. Would a 2 month timeline work for me, probably not. Is there trust involved that I believe DH is committed to working things out and in turn that trust helps me be more patient - absolutely.
So look at the totality of your relationship. If it's not worth you giving him this time to process/work thru, be honest and move on. If the relationship is worth it to date, try to stay connected while letting him process the issue. It's fair to let him know you are dissapointed you aren't getting to spend the entire weekend together but you understand he needs time think on the issue. Maybe have a revisit in two weeks or so. Not necessarily full answers but a sense where his head is at. It is hard to explain but there is always that fine line between being understanding and being a martyr/like your wants never matter. You don't want things tip towards resentment on your part so you need to be honest with yourself and communicating with him. I don't see you being happy with radio silence for a long time or constantly canceled plans for "his space" when you have such limited time to see him and rarely get overnight opportunities. Be honest about your emotions along the way and be honest if you see a hint of it it sliding towards resentment on your part. Let the chips fall where they may. Either you will find balance with him or you find someone that will be better suited for you.
Anonymous
10/22/2016 19:21
Subject: How to accept when SO withdraws and "needs space"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He said that he loves me but "needs some time alone for [his] mental health." He said that he is angry and defensive about the things we discussed and needs to sort it out.
Was the discussion very unpleasant?
It wasn't a horrible fight, but it wasn't easy. He was being fairly hard on himself and was angry. As he says, his first reaction to a tough situation is just anger and then he has to sort through the real feelings underneath.
I wouldn't end things with him just because he needs space after this incident but would consider how the relationship has been overall. How long have you been together? You said it was a LTR?
Anonymous
10/22/2016 17:04
Subject: How to accept when SO withdraws and "needs space"
You aren't married. You don't have to stay. This is why dating exists. Leave if you want.
Anonymous
10/22/2016 15:10
Subject: How to accept when SO withdraws and "needs space"
He's either just not into you, or he's keeping you on the back burner while he tests out a new relationship. Either way, it isn't good. The bottom line is that this relationship isn't satisfying.
Think back to when you fell in love with someone. Didn't you want to be together all the time...instead of once a week? Big red flag.
Your only option is to pull back, and see what he does. Literally stop calling him/texting him. Go ghost. See if he reaches out. If he doesn't call you within a week, you have your answer: it's over. Move on.
If he contacts you after that, say this:
"Listen, Dave. I really cared for you and thought we were building a good relationship until you made it clear that you needed space. Candidly, I'm not interested in a part time casual relationship. I need a partner who wants more intimacy."
Think back to when you fell in love with someone. Didn't you want to be together all the time...instead of once a week? Big red flag.
Your only option is to pull back, and see what he does. Literally stop calling him/texting him. Go ghost. See if he reaches out. If he doesn't call you within a week, you have your answer: it's over. Move on.
If he contacts you after that, say this:
"Listen, Dave. I really cared for you and thought we were building a good relationship until you made it clear that you needed space. Candidly, I'm not interested in a part time casual relationship. I need a partner who wants more intimacy."
Anonymous
10/22/2016 14:08
Subject: How to accept when SO withdraws and "needs space"
Just back off.
Anonymous
10/22/2016 14:06
Subject: How to accept when SO withdraws and "needs space"
Pull back. Don't chase. It feels scary to pull back but it's best. Give yourself the space to think if you want to be with someone that doesn't cherish time with you.
Anonymous
10/22/2016 13:50
Subject: How to accept when SO withdraws and "needs space"
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, this might be the start of his exit plan. I would start preparing to mentally disengage and refocus on something else in your life.
+1