Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness takes a long time. He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows. He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him. Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed. I wish you the best.

OP here. I'm very resistant to the idea of divorcing because we have young children. I'm willing to "stick it out" for their sake - I know this is an unpopular approach on DCUM, but it's true. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, on self-care and doing things that make me happy. The relationship is kind of on the back burner for me at the moment - if I start thinking about it too much I just get so upset. It's so much more difficult than I could have imagined.

Forgiveness takes a long time. He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows. He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him. Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed. I wish you the best.

It is true that the most important thing in your future relationship with him, if you want one, is your ability to forgive. Not condone, not forget, but forgive. He has no business asking that question, but the bottom line is forgiveness needs to happen. But forgiveness is for YOU. It's about you letting go of the rage and getting to a better place. It is not for him, and certainly not for him to ask about.

I was cheated on. Forgiveness took a long time, I'd say in all honestly it took 18 months, so you are nowhere there yet. But I understood that he knew he was wrong and appreciated the pain he had caused, and ultimately I was able to forgive. There are times, deep down, where the pain or hurt resurfaces via some sort of trigger, but we are in a waaaaaaayyy better place than we were in the 3-4 years leading up to the affair.

But: I still loved him, and you say you hate him, so I can't help you there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 years for me. I'm not over it-never will be. Forgave him long ago. Will never forget, though. Trust is long gone. Love disappeared. We exist because of our kids. Something triggered it last week-a comment an innocent comment made by a friend. I reminded DH that I will snap the rug out from under him when he least expects it. He seemed shocked-it's been 3 years. I told him I'd forgiven him long ago, but I do want him to feel similar pain; then he'll understand what he did to me.

Revenge affair?

Perhaps. I just know that he should feel similar pain. It's not about hate-I don't hate him. It's not about forgiveness-I've forgiven him. He's tried to make it back to normal. But you can't go back-you need to move forward. I've moved forward, but I can't forget nor can I numb the pain.

Are you the OP? If you are, you said you hate him in the original post.

In any event, your desire that he should feel similar pain shows you have NOT forgiven him and have NOT moved forward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 years for me. I'm not over it-never will be. Forgave him long ago. Will never forget, though. Trust is long gone. Love disappeared. We exist because of our kids. Something triggered it last week-a comment an innocent comment made by a friend. I reminded DH that I will snap the rug out from under him when he least expects it. He seemed shocked-it's been 3 years. I told him I'd forgiven him long ago, but I do want him to feel similar pain; then he'll understand what he did to me.

Revenge affair?

Forget that. Best "revenge" is to break off with the cheater completely and go find someone decent.

Others will tell you to take the high road. Stepping out myself really worked for me. It's not for everyone though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You two are not soulmates. Dump him.

There is no such thing as soulmates, there are simply people that are very compatible.

I don't know. If you read these threads plenty of married women found their soulmates while married to someone else. It just happens to always happen that the guy is married and strings her on and her marriage ends.

Yeah, soulmates exist. I'm married to my soulmate, though I went through years of pain before I found him.

I just don't believe it, and in reality, when people break the 30 year mark of marriage, then it proves something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You two are not soulmates. Dump him.

There is no such thing as soulmates, there are simply people that are very compatible.

I don't know. If you read these threads plenty of married women found their soulmates while married to someone else. It just happens to always happen that the guy is married and strings her on and her marriage ends.

Yeah, soulmates exist. I'm married to my soulmate, though I went through years of pain before I found him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 years for me. I'm not over it-never will be. Forgave him long ago. Will never forget, though. Trust is long gone. Love disappeared. We exist because of our kids. Something triggered it last week-a comment an innocent comment made by a friend. I reminded DH that I will snap the rug out from under him when he least expects it. He seemed shocked-it's been 3 years. I told him I'd forgiven him long ago, but I do want him to feel similar pain; then he'll understand what he did to me.

Revenge affair?

Perhaps. I just know that he should feel similar pain. It's not about hate-I don't hate him. It's not about forgiveness-I've forgiven him. He's tried to make it back to normal. But you can't go back-you need to move forward. I've moved forward, but I can't forget nor can I numb the pain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You two are not soulmates. Dump him.

There is no such thing as soulmates, there are simply people that are very compatible.

I don't know. If you read these threads plenty of married women found their soulmates while married to someone else. It just happens to always happen that the guy is married and strings her on and her marriage ends.

Anonymous wrote:3 years for me. I'm not over it-never will be. Forgave him long ago. Will never forget, though. Trust is long gone. Love disappeared. We exist because of our kids. Something triggered it last week-a comment an innocent comment made by a friend. I reminded DH that I will snap the rug out from under him when he least expects it. He seemed shocked-it's been 3 years. I told him I'd forgiven him long ago, but I do want him to feel similar pain; then he'll understand what he did to me.

Revenge affair?

Anonymous wrote:You two are not soulmates. Dump him.

There is no such thing as soulmates, there are simply people that are very compatible.

hate him, leave him.

3 years for me. I'm not over it-never will be. Forgave him long ago. Will never forget, though. Trust is long gone. Love disappeared. We exist because of our kids. Something triggered it last week-a comment an innocent comment made by a friend. I reminded DH that I will snap the rug out from under him when he least expects it. He seemed shocked-it's been 3 years. I told him I'd forgiven him long ago, but I do want him to feel similar pain; then he'll understand what he did to me.

You have good reason to be angry. That was hateful of him to say. It shows where his head is, which is exactly what made him cheat. He's not going to be worth the bother if he can't see that it's on him to act loving and to be trustworthy, no matter how you act or feel.

You're not stopping anything from moving forward. He is. Things can't move forward until HE does the work and takes all the time limits and conditions off of you. You owe him nothing. You're already giving him a chance and being there. Those two things are huge.