Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has a right to expect a married son/daughter (or a son/daughter with children) to appear for EVERY holiday. At most, they can expect to see them on either Thanksgiving OR Christmas. Add a new baby to the mix, and you have more leeway.

But also, don't act like this is all your decision. What does your HUSBAND think about this? Remember him?

No, no, no. The person who gave birth to the newborn and is recovering gets to decide if they're up for traveling. No way is this the DH's call.

Agreed. HUSBANDS don't call the shots.

Wow, can you imagine if some husband came on here and said, "WIVES don't call the shots"? In my house, my husband and I are equal partners. We discuss things and make decisions together. Sometimes, one of us has a special circumstance or a special need. For example, I felt terrible after my first C-section, and of course that factored really heavily into our decisions at that time. We limited guests, including family, accordingly. But it was a joint decision.

I was due t-giv week one year. MIL kept holding out hope that we would find a way to make the 6 hour drive, because maybe the baby would be early or late. Lol. She finally understood that week when the time came.

But was pissed we didn't go to Christmas, 6 weeks later. It would have been do-able, but they live in crowded quarters and I just wasn't up for all night nursing and wakeups with us crammed in a small room with a toddler too.

So I (personally) don't think you can still play the newborn card if the baby is close to 3 months, which will be the case if you just had a baby. It's probably also hard for you at this point to figure out how you will feel 2+ months from now. That said I think making an effort to get together / work with your ILs is probably in your interest long term. Doesn't mean you must travel to them for both holidays and do everything her way, but these are the grandparents of your kid(s) - helping foster that relationship is good for the kids.

So is there a compromise that feels right to you? Also - talk with your husband and get a sense for what he means about his Mom being big into holidays. The more information you have to go by the better the decisions will be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. My kids are spread out all over the country. My older two are married and they have to take into account their little family (most important), their spouses side of the family, and our family. They know that they are always welcome but that we understand that there is no way we'll get to see them every year. Last year I won the Christmas lottery and had all of the kids and grandkids home at the same time. It was wonderful! This year it looks like three of the five will be home.

This is a very healthy attitude about family visits. No wonder your kids want to go see you!
Hope you get another year with everyone together soon.

Awww. Thank you! I feel really, really lucky.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has a right to expect a married son/daughter (or a son/daughter with children) to appear for EVERY holiday. At most, they can expect to see them on either Thanksgiving OR Christmas. Add a new baby to the mix, and you have more leeway.

But also, don't act like this is all your decision. What does your HUSBAND think about this? Remember him?

No, no, no. The person who gave birth to the newborn and is recovering gets to decide if they're up for traveling. No way is this the DH's call.

Agreed. HUSBANDS don't call the shots.

Do you have to travel? How old will the baby be? If they're local, you can totally go to Thanksgiving with a baby. If they're like my family, you'll get a break because all the relatives want to hold the baby. Even if that isn't the case, what exactly are you concerned about? Why don't you want to go?

Anonymous wrote:DH is fine with staying home. He warned me that his mother is VERY much into the Holidays. They're already texting DH telling them the plans for Christmas. I want her to like me but it sounds so exhausting. They live 4 hours away.

Well, that's easy! Stay home!

But tell DH: "Honey, you're warning me that your mom is very into holidays, and I appreciate the heads up, but this is *your* mom here, so I'm counting on you to manage her expectations."

None of this has anything to do with her liking you or not. You're grown adults, and you need to figure out how you also want to handle holidays and not just think about pleasing your ILs. Start thinking of your own traditions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has a right to expect a married son/daughter (or a son/daughter with children) to appear for EVERY holiday. At most, they can expect to see them on either Thanksgiving OR Christmas. Add a new baby to the mix, and you have more leeway.

But also, don't act like this is all your decision. What does your HUSBAND think about this? Remember him?

No, no, no. The person who gave birth to the newborn and is recovering gets to decide if they're up for traveling. No way is this the DH's call.

Can you read? I said it wasn't like it is "ALL" her decision. The husband should get to weigh in. It should be a conversation. Yes, if the recovering/new mother is struggling or feeling overwhelmed, that's a huge factor. But it's just one factor of a discussion. It's not a unilateral decision.

My two sons are in their late 20s and live with their girlfriends - no kids yet. I ask for a headcount period. If they can come great, if they can't fine. I'm really trying to not be "that Mom" who insists they show up for every holiday.

Anonymous wrote:Do you expect your son/daughter on Thanksgiving and Christmas? Are you hurt if they don't come? I just had a baby and would rather stay home this year. My relationship with my MIL is fairly new and I'm worried it will make waves if I don't go. Also, if your adult children live near you, how often do.you expect to see them?

OP my MIL (and my mother too) look at the larger context. Will it be Thanksgiving but not Christmas? This year but not next year? Us going to them this time, and they will travel to us next time? As for adult children in town, I know families that see each other every month and others that see each other every week or more. Also, the context (long family dinner, attending a child's preschool Halloween parade, stopping by for 30 min to say hi) makes a difference. It also makes a difference if one set of parents is in town and the other is out of town, or if the parents are young and energetic vs. older and less able.

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have a NICU baby or having severe issues from recovery like PPD or complications from a c section you need to suck it up and go.

Are you a MIL?

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. My kids are spread out all over the country. My older two are married and they have to take into account their little family (most important), their spouses side of the family, and our family. They know that they are always welcome but that we understand that there is no way we'll get to see them every year. Last year I won the Christmas lottery and had all of the kids and grandkids home at the same time. It was wonderful! This year it looks like three of the five will be home.

This is a very healthy attitude about family visits. No wonder your kids want to go see you!
Hope you get another year with everyone together soon.

Not a MIL but my MIL understood when we missed a holiday because I was due a week later and could not travel. Once our kids were born I loved going to the IL house for holidays. It was a 3 hr drive and then I got to relax. My MIL told me to go take a nap/rest and read a book. There was enough family to watch the baby for as long as I needed to rest and catch up on my lack of sleep.

I LOVE my MIL! I vow to be like her when my kids get married.

Absolutely not. My kids are spread out all over the country. My older two are married and they have to take into account their little family (most important), their spouses side of the family, and our family. They know that they are always welcome but that we understand that there is no way we'll get to see them every year. Last year I won the Christmas lottery and had all of the kids and grandkids home at the same time. It was wonderful! This year it looks like three of the five will be home.

Unless you have a NICU baby or having severe issues from recovery like PPD or complications from a c section you need to suck it up and go.