why are people reticent to say where they live and hate?

Things that help:
Join the local community pool.
Have a lemonade stand. Or now that it's cool, a friend recently did a hot soup stand. Raised money for charity. Or how about a hot coffee stand?
Walk your dog. Frequently.
Have kid take the bus, talk to the other parents there.
Is there a neighborhood listserve? Book club?
Host a BBQ or football Sunday at your house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We had a similar experience with a move to another part of the country. We had tons of space, high ranked schools, and all the trappings of "the American Dream."

We were miserable. Miserable. The Stepford facade was masking all sorts of things in that community, including virulent racism against the residents of a nearby majority Black city.

We left and no intention of ever going back. Turns out it is more important to us to be happy and fulfilled people, who can then be present and patient for our kids, than to live where everyone said we should want to live.

Ah, the South!

Actually, the veiled racism makes it sound like a liberal northern city.

PP here. It was the suburbs of a major Midwestern city. I wouldn't say those suburbs were particularly liberal, though.

NP here. I thought it might have been the suburbs of Detroit, like Grosse Pointe etc. Haven't encountered too many liberals there.

DING DING DING DING, but not Grosse Pointe.

Leave it to DCUM to IMMEDIATELY pinpoint this issue to only possibly being able to have occurred in the South, though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We had a similar experience with a move to another part of the country. We had tons of space, high ranked schools, and all the trappings of "the American Dream."

We were miserable. Miserable. The Stepford facade was masking all sorts of things in that community, including virulent racism against the residents of a nearby majority Black city.

We left and no intention of ever going back. Turns out it is more important to us to be happy and fulfilled people, who can then be present and patient for our kids, than to live where everyone said we should want to live.

Ah, the South!

Actually, the veiled racism makes it sound like a liberal northern city.

PP here. It was the suburbs of a major Midwestern city. I wouldn't say those suburbs were particularly liberal, though.

NP here. I thought it might have been the suburbs of Detroit, like Grosse Pointe etc. Haven't encountered too many liberals there.

DING DING DING DING, but not Grosse Pointe.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We had a similar experience with a move to another part of the country. We had tons of space, high ranked schools, and all the trappings of "the American Dream."

We were miserable. Miserable. The Stepford facade was masking all sorts of things in that community, including virulent racism against the residents of a nearby majority Black city.

We left and no intention of ever going back. Turns out it is more important to us to be happy and fulfilled people, who can then be present and patient for our kids, than to live where everyone said we should want to live.

Ah, the South!

Actually, the veiled racism makes it sound like a liberal northern city.

PP here. It was the suburbs of a major Midwestern city. I wouldn't say those suburbs were particularly liberal, though.

NP here. I thought it might have been the suburbs of Detroit, like Grosse Pointe etc. Haven't encountered too many liberals there.

I stuck it out for 12 years when I did the same thing, though I was at least able to walk to some stores and restaurants and a couple of playgrounds. For me, the fact that my mortgage was fairly cheap was a driver in me staying so long. I didn't really connect with more than 3 of the neighboring houses, in part because all my friends lived in DC or Arlington so I didn't actually spend much time at home in Fairfax. I finally bailed because the commute kept getting longer and I couldn't take it anymore.

Try to give it a year. If you have kids in the schools, that should help you meet some folks, especially if they are elementary age and you can sign up for activities like rec soccer or scouting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We had a similar experience with a move to another part of the country. We had tons of space, high ranked schools, and all the trappings of "the American Dream."

We were miserable. Miserable. The Stepford facade was masking all sorts of things in that community, including virulent racism against the residents of a nearby majority Black city.

We left and no intention of ever going back. Turns out it is more important to us to be happy and fulfilled people, who can then be present and patient for our kids, than to live where everyone said we should want to live.

Ah, the South!

Actually, the veiled racism makes it sound like a liberal northern city.

PP here. It was the suburbs of a major Midwestern city. I wouldn't say those suburbs were particularly liberal, though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else been through this? We moved outside the beltway and I hate my new neighborhood. I can't walk anywhere, haven't connected with any of the neighbors, and we feel so far removed from anything. I love the house and the school and I'm trying to find the silver linings. I've given it three months. Will I get over it?

HA no. But you'll learn to settle. Until your kids age up and you start eyeing that Georgetown rowhouse you've always wanted.

But then you realize that you actually grew to like having space, parking, and quiet - which rules out much of Georgetown.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else been through this? We moved outside the beltway and I hate my new neighborhood. I can't walk anywhere, haven't connected with any of the neighbors, and we feel so far removed from anything. I love the house and the school and I'm trying to find the silver linings. I've given it three months. Will I get over it?

HA no. But you'll learn to settle. Until your kids age up and you start eyeing that Georgetown rowhouse you've always wanted.

What I've noticed is that, typically with a move, one spouse wants to move more than the other one. The one who advocated more for the move is happier or at least less likely to voice second thoughts, and the trailing spouse kvetches.

If you're moving outside the Beltway largely for schools, getting involved in the school community is one of the best ways to feel part of the neighborhood, along with joining a community pool or club. As others have said, you should give it at least a year.

What you are going through is not unique, given how poor most of the public schools are that are in the affordable parts in the city and the close-in suburbs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We had a similar experience with a move to another part of the country. We had tons of space, high ranked schools, and all the trappings of "the American Dream."

We were miserable. Miserable. The Stepford facade was masking all sorts of things in that community, including virulent racism against the residents of a nearby majority Black city.

We left and no intention of ever going back. Turns out it is more important to us to be happy and fulfilled people, who can then be present and patient for our kids, than to live where everyone said we should want to live.

Ah, the South!

Actually, the veiled racism makes it sound like a liberal northern city.

I was the same way with mine too OP - still am on many levels but my one friend here was really proactive and started having cocktail and coffee meet ups totally self identified as "I need to make friends/community connections" and its made it better for me (though I still hope to move - still suburbs but closer in.) If you like entertaining and have a neighborhood listerserve or just parents at the bus stop kind of connection - maybe just start connection by being the one who becomes the center of social life. It won't bring coffee shops, restaurants closer but may improve yourself. FWIW My sister in a Jersey neighborhood didn't start connection until she and her husband put in a pretty front yard garden. She said she realized that everyone else seemed to have dogs and met that way but they also gardened. She feels connected now

I felt the same way 9 years ago. We moved for a better school system. The kids are thriving and it has turned out better than I imagined. I have made a few close friends but it took at least a year. Hang in and try and find something you do like in the area.

I felt that way about my last neighborhood and it never changed. We moved after almost 9 years and I love my new neighborhood. Wish we would have done it much earlier.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We had a similar experience with a move to another part of the country. We had tons of space, high ranked schools, and all the trappings of "the American Dream."

We were miserable. Miserable. The Stepford facade was masking all sorts of things in that community, including virulent racism against the residents of a nearby majority Black city.

We left and no intention of ever going back. Turns out it is more important to us to be happy and fulfilled people, who can then be present and patient for our kids, than to live where everyone said we should want to live.

Ah, the South!