Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman; I have a platonic male friend. We both have very elite academic backgrounds and professions and are married or engaged to partners who do not. The partners are not airheads by any means but don't read the same books, magazines, have the same interests in politics. Among our friend groups, which overlap a little, we may be the only ones who haven't partnered up with someone of equal educational "pedigree"'or earning power. The partners have other stellar qualities--humor, great dad (for my husband), beauty (for my friend's fiancée). But my friend keeps harping on it and making excuses for his partner. Has this been an issue in your relationship? is it different if the partner is a man, because of breadwinner expectation, or woman, because of bimbo stereotype?

''

I haven't read all the responses, but I have a gut reaction to your post which is: you're a snob. The fact that you believe "elite academic backgrounds" are the primary indicator of intellect suggests this to me - you confuse the symbol with the substance. I've worked my entire life in academia, and I promise you that there are plenty of terminal degree morons out there, even in STEM. There are many gifted autodidacts and others from non-elite institutions.

However, yes, if there is an intellectual mismatch - like any other signficant mis-match on fundamentals (politics, religion, children, sex, etc.) then there will be problems. You should never, ever marry someone who you don't respect, and by that I mean: consider your equal. If you are marrying someone you look down on (intellectually or otherwise) then you lack fundamental respect for them and it will doom your relationship. I would suggest that an intellectual is defined by curiosity and desire to absorb information. Pedigree is a completely orthogonal metric. The fact that you are framing things in terms of academic pedigree suggests to me you feel that your partner and your friend's partner are inferior. I don't know about your friend, but you should do your fiance a favor and let them go.

+1!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's considerably more subtle than that. You need to learn to value non-academic skills.

My husband has a stratospheric IQ but is not interested in anything except a few topics and never reads anything outside those. He leaves the parenting to me. Culture and deportment mean nothing to him.

I'm the social one, with a measly 130 IQ, am very well-read and well-traveled, a good listener, plus I happen to think I'm a wonderful parent... yet my husband can casually troubleshoot whatever problem I happen to have, even in subjects he's usually not interested in. It's maddening! I brainstorm and talk to experts and do all this stuff, and he comes home and strolls over and immediately has the solution. Puncture.

Now if only he could troubleshoot his own foibles as a husband and father...

I could have written this. But I'll also add that I am more "successful" in my career than my spouse, despite his extremely high IQ (mine is also a measly 130 . Compared to my spouse, I have much better people skills, negotiating skills, listening skills, and frankly more common sense when it comes to navigating workplace politics. The inability to do those things well will always hold my husband back in his career, even though he may be the smartest person in his workplace!

I am similar to the above. Have a grad degree in liberal arts and a J.D. Spouse has a STEM degree and is mechanical. I think he is probably more intelligent than I am, but we have completely different interests. We do not read the same types of books, listen to the same kind of music, and are not interested in the same type of movies. ItHe watches sports, and I don't. It was a concern I had before we got married and continues to be an issue. Not sure he cares much, though, or that he ever did. We are so busy now with kids that we don't have time to do anything much, anyway. However, I think compatibility is a big issue. I may be the odd one, though, honestly, bc I don't really have friends with similar interests, either.

What are your interests? Name your favorite book, music, movie, other interest(s).

My dad was much smarter than my mom. Left her for a non-hot woman who was super smart.
I was smarter and more "academic" than my ex. Once the passion waned, it was one more area where the disconnect contributed to marital breakdown.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not that intelligent. I do have a dual masters degree but I'm pretty sure I have an average IQ. I'm just good at memorizing random crap and I'm extremely inquisitive which makes me seem smart. Fortunately for me I was blessed with good looks that I can leverage to find get a partner and provided. I've dated physicians, lawyers, executives and these men can care less about brains. Some intelligence won't hurt and being able to participate in some conversations without sounding too dump, but ultimately it's all about looking good from a man's viewpoint.

Ha! Women care more about intellectual compatibility and men care more about looks? I am the pp with the STEM husband. While he will say he liked me for my intelligence, since we don't have the same intellectual interests, I wonder if this really accurate.

My DH is much much more academically talented and intellectually ahead of me. Multiple degrees from elite places and uttently in a phd program. He can write well and has the patience and resolve to research a topic deeply and come up with new conclusions. I went to a state school for a stem profession. I make more $ than he does and can fix most anything in the house and troubleshoot technology and other real life things. we do have great talks and he is great at explaining and storytelling so we enjoy each other's strengths. It's not boring at our house which is what matters I think.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly ?

I am dumb as shit but I'm pretty so it got me a good life with a man that didn't expect me to bring home the bacon. I made a great Stepford wife. He makes life worth living and we laugh a lot.

I for one appreciate the honesty. The laughing a lot trumps almost anything.

I'm not that intelligent. I do have a dual masters degree but I'm pretty sure I have an average IQ. I'm just good at memorizing random crap and I'm extremely inquisitive which makes me seem smart. Fortunately for me I was blessed with good looks that I can leverage to find get a partner and provided. I've dated physicians, lawyers, executives and these men can care less about brains. Some intelligence won't hurt and being able to participate in some conversations without sounding too dump, but ultimately it's all about looking good from a man's viewpoint.

I love my DH and have no idea what is IQ is, but he is certainly above average and is remarkably successful at work. However, my IQ is 150. We are mismatched in processing speed and memory, and it causes a lot of issues. It is hard for me to be patient (my job to get better at this).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's considerably more subtle than that. You need to learn to value non-academic skills.

My husband has a stratospheric IQ but is not interested in anything except a few topics and never reads anything outside those. He leaves the parenting to me. Culture and deportment mean nothing to him.

I'm the social one, with a measly 130 IQ, am very well-read and well-traveled, a good listener, plus I happen to think I'm a wonderful parent... yet my husband can casually troubleshoot whatever problem I happen to have, even in subjects he's usually not interested in. It's maddening! I brainstorm and talk to experts and do all this stuff, and he comes home and strolls over and immediately has the solution. Puncture.

Now if only he could troubleshoot his own foibles as a husband and father...

I could have written this. But I'll also add that I am more "successful" in my career than my spouse, despite his extremely high IQ (mine is also a measly 130 . Compared to my spouse, I have much better people skills, negotiating skills, listening skills, and frankly more common sense when it comes to navigating workplace politics. The inability to do those things well will always hold my husband back in his career, even though he may be the smartest person in his workplace!

I am similar to the above. Have a grad degree in liberal arts and a J.D. Spouse has a STEM degree and is mechanical. I think he is probably more intelligent than I am, but we have completely different interests. We do not read the same types of books, listen to the same kind of music, and are not interested in the same type of movies. ItHe watches sports, and I don't. It was a concern I had before we got married and continues to be an issue. Not sure he cares much, though, or that he ever did. We are so busy now with kids that we don't have time to do anything much, anyway. However, I think compatibility is a big issue. I may be the odd one, though, honestly, bc I don't really have friends with similar interests, either.

Anonymous wrote:It's considerably more subtle than that. You need to learn to value non-academic skills.

My husband has a stratospheric IQ but is not interested in anything except a few topics and never reads anything outside those. He leaves the parenting to me. Culture and deportment mean nothing to him.

I'm the social one, with a measly 130 IQ, am very well-read and well-traveled, a good listener, plus I happen to think I'm a wonderful parent... yet my husband can casually troubleshoot whatever problem I happen to have, even in subjects he's usually not interested in. It's maddening! I brainstorm and talk to experts and do all this stuff, and he comes home and strolls over and immediately has the solution. Puncture.

Now if only he could troubleshoot his own foibles as a husband and father...

I could have written this. But I'll also add that I am more "successful" in my career than my spouse, despite his extremely high IQ (mine is also a measly 130 . Compared to my spouse, I have much better people skills, negotiating skills, listening skills, and frankly more common sense when it comes to navigating workplace politics. The inability to do those things well will always hold my husband back in his career, even though he may be the smartest person in his workplace!

How do people know their IQ's?? Is this something people regularly test?

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman; I have a platonic male friend. We both have very elite academic backgrounds and professions and are married or engaged to partners who do not. The partners are not airheads by any means but don't read the same books, magazines, have the same interests in politics. Among our friend groups, which overlap a little, we may be the only ones who haven't partnered up with someone of equal educational "pedigree"'or earning power. The partners have other stellar qualities--humor, great dad (for my husband), beauty (for my friend's fiancée). But my friend keeps harping on it and making excuses for his partner. Has this been an issue in your relationship? is it different if the partner is a man, because of breadwinner expectation, or woman, because of bimbo stereotype?

''

I haven't read all the responses, but I have a gut reaction to your post which is: you're a snob. The fact that you believe "elite academic backgrounds" are the primary indicator of intellect suggests this to me - you confuse the symbol with the substance. I've worked my entire life in academia, and I promise you that there are plenty of terminal degree morons out there, even in STEM. There are many gifted autodidacts and others from non-elite institutions.

However, yes, if there is an intellectual mismatch - like any other signficant mis-match on fundamentals (politics, religion, children, sex, etc.) then there will be problems. You should never, ever marry someone who you don't respect, and by that I mean: consider your equal. If you are marrying someone you look down on (intellectually or otherwise) then you lack fundamental respect for them and it will doom your relationship. I would suggest that an intellectual is defined by curiosity and desire to absorb information. Pedigree is a completely orthogonal metric. The fact that you are framing things in terms of academic pedigree suggests to me you feel that your partner and your friend's partner are inferior. I don't know about your friend, but you should do your fiance a favor and let them go.

I think that the "smarter" people need to work on their people skills, if they can't get along with a range of people.

I am above average in terms of IQ (130 or so) but enjoy a trashy magazine as much as the next person. I am quite happy chatting with all kinds of people and do not consider myself to be at all superior.

I have a very large Catholic family. All different education levels. Some went to Ivy... some married Ivy.

I would say socially the Ivy people are very hard to integrate into the conversation/social situations. So I agree, you are probably feeling the disconnect. But have you ever thought that maybe you are the issue.

You say, "they don't read the same books/magazines" but have you ever thought you are narrow minded and don't have a broad understanding of more social and economic issues and are maybe a little sheltered. It probably affects your ability to connect to others on a emotional/social level.

Also at weddings, etc... the elitism, the drinking, the bravado... it's really off putting to a normal (high IQ) but less arrogant person. I know recently we had a big "where to put the Ivy/SLAC invites" ... the bride (SLAC/Ivy) the groom (state/Ivy) did not want his "state" friends with the SLACs, it really upset the bride, but after the rehearsal dinner, she watched how arrogant her classmates were towards some "less educated" friends of the groom and the table assignments were rearranged to keep the SLAC/Ivy kids together (separate but equal)... we kept them close to the bar, that made them happy.

Do you notice in social situation, you lecture other, like you know everything.

I actually would love to get with a psychologist and write a book about it.. kind of like military brats, SLAC/Ivy/top 10 have social issues. I think you are experiencing something like this.

I would suggest reading books that help you build that side of yourself that you neglected in the years when everybody else was learning to socialize.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly ?

I am dumb as shit but I'm pretty so it got me a good life with a man that didn't expect me to bring home the bacon. I made a great Stepford wife. He makes life worth living and we laugh a lot.

Gross. Glad I married a hottie with a brain.