Anonymous wrote:He definitely has wine with dinner, but I think the reason I am noticing more is because he seems to think I dont know he is drinking the vodka. He is definitely hiding it.
I took a sip of his iced tea last night and almost choked. He took it, drank the whole thing down and sat down as if nothing happened.
I tried to act cool and asked him about it, he said he was in the mood for it and ended discussion.
If I ask too many questions he gets angry and defensive.

Hiding how much he is drinking and getting defensive about it if asked are two very bad signs. I'm sorry, you can't change him if he doesn't want to change.

OP, he is an alcoholic. That isn't your fault. Alcoholics don't need to be miserable and don't need a reason to drink excessively. If every alcoholic drank just because they were upset it would be a lot easier to cure. Alcoholics drink so much because they can't stop.

OP, I've also heard that Al-Anon is a great place for family members to get support:

http://www.al-anon.org

Anonymous wrote:So now little things are adding up. I can not change who he is, I don't want him to be someone he is not. But HELL if this guy isn't happy with me? Speak up and communicate!

It's not about you. It's a disease he has inherited. You didn't cause this.

My friend's ex did this, which is why she left. 1 drink became 2 became 4 became the sloth on the couch.

Anonymous wrote:I am not a big drinker so maybe I am over reacting. DH drinks every single day. It doesnt matter what it is, beer, wine, vodka, and not just with dinner. We ate dinner hours ago and he just made himself a mixed drink. I am extremely nervous as he has a family history of alcoholism.

This is a huge red flag. You're probably not going to convince him to limit his drinking but you should educate yourself and educate your kids because this runs in families. We warned our kid as she was growing up that she needed to monitor her drinking because her grandparents were alcoholics. Later when she ran into trouble I think it helped her address it sooner rather than later and fortunately she's been in recovery for several years.

And this is a very serious disease. Just growing up with it doesn't mean that a person learns to avoid it. My dad quit drinking when I was 16 and identified as a recovering alcoholic. You think the danger would have been obvious to my brother who grew up with a drunk dad. Nevertheless, he was unable to stay sober for more than a couple of years.

I can't tell you what your dh should do or what you should do - except that you should take this seriously for the sake of your kids. Good luck, OP!

My spouse of 30 years was a high functioning alcoholic. That means he never missed a day of work, never drove drunk, never had a dui, never got sloppy drunk at parties or at home ... no problems. But he drank like a fish and his behavior was gradually corrosive and affected the family big time. He is now single. Here are a few pointers:

Vodka is the drink of choice for alcoholics. It is easily disguised in regular drinks (tea) and looks like ice water.

Some alcohol will be purchased openly and used openly while a secondary amount will be purchased for cash and hidden to befuddle you on the amount actually being drunk. This behavior happens early even before you start noticing and commenting on his drinking.

No reason is needed to drink. As pp said, it is not you, his job, the weather ... it is an internally driven drive that is likely genetic. You don't cause it and you can't cure it.

And angry and defensive response to a caring comment regarding his drinking is a huge sign. It is loving and normal for a spouse to show concern and someone without a drinking problem would recognize that and respond appropriately, even if they did not choose to change their behavior.

Drinking alone is a classic sign, but a lot of drinking is done right out in the open or in sneaky ways as you describe (vodka in the tea.)

Alcoholics tend to "tailgate" before social events. They have some before they go so that they can have the total amount they want at the event without appearing to be drinking more than others.

They will only stop drinking when THEY decide they want to do so. Sadly, that day usually never comes even when they have already lost their family and their health.

Their health seems pretty good for decades but damage is being done behind the scenes ... about age 60 their health tends to suddenly plummet off a cliff. Consider for yourself whether you want to be there to nurse them when that happens. It is not pretty. It is also hard emotionally to leave them when they are in that state ... it adds to your guilt. Not saying to leave ... but think about your situation carefully.

Good luck. BTDT

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy sh*t! I hope not! I do everything but pick him up and burp him!
He goes out when he wants, has guy weekends, drinks after work, regular sex.
I really have to look at my behavior. I just thought it was odd...

How is his heavy drinking your fault? I don't follow.

Because someone said he was drinking because he was miserable. Untrue.

How would his misery be her fault? This doesn't track at all.

It's not her fault. Women are blamed for stuff all the time drinking and affairs.

Your H probably has terrible coping skills so he drinks. He may be unhappy, but you don't know why because he has terrible coping skills... like communication. It is common when you come from alcoholism/abuse/neglect to have never learned healthy coping mechanisms.

I think you should go to an alanon meeting, OP.

Maybe he is just bored and drinking is an activity. Is he able to hold his drinks or does he get drunk? Sometimes drinking is just a bad habit.

So, 2 to 4 glasses of wine a night, plus a cocktail (or more) daily? To me, that is problem drinking. Is he drinking during the day? drinking and driving ? Do you have kids?

Anonymous wrote:Did you ask him?
I mean does anyone ever query their spouses before they rush online to get answers from anonymous "experts" anymore?

OP: "I tried to act cool and asked him about it, he said he was in the mood for it and ended discussion.
If I ask too many questions he gets angry and defensive. "

Sorry, OP. This doesn't sound good. The fact that he's defensive and angry is not a good sign. Hopefully more people with firsthand experience can weigh in.

Did you ask him?
I mean does anyone ever query their spouses before they rush online to get answers from anonymous "experts" anymore?

Anonymous



I have had problems w/excessive drinking in the past and drinking vodka in regular drinks is one thing I do when I want to hide my drinking from my husband. If I am making a fun cocktail I will put it in an appropriate glass, put a lime (or whatever garnish is appropriate) on it, etc. Basically not hide that it is a cocktail. But if I am trying to hide it, I'll put it in a plastic cup, no lime or other identifying garnish, etc. I would consider vodka in an iced tea to be trying to hide it, but that's just my opinion based on my actions.

+100

So now little things are adding up. I can not change who he is, I don't want him to be someone he is not. But HELL if this guy isn't happy with me? Speak up and communicate!