I'm working on this right now in therapy. I had a falling out with my father and stepmother a few months ago, and the anger has been almost unbearable. For years I kept it all bottled up, and then it all came surging out after this incident. I've been in therapy for a few months and I'm working on some cognitive behavioral techniques that are helping. On of them is the ABC model, which is helping me reframe my thinking. Here's an explanation and a worksheet that I use to write on or at least think through issues when they arise:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvgtwMCaIcU
http://www.dupagetherapy.com/uploads/ABC_Worksheet_to_Identify___Dispute_Cognitive_Distortions.docx

An example would be:

Activating Event--my dad lashes out at me about a picture I sent him of my son at camp
Belief--"He's a total asshole. I can't believe he would get upset about something as stupid as a picture I sent. Where the hell does he get off?"
Consequence--I'm furiously angry at him and hurt.

With ABC you work on reframing the belief to something more rational. Instead of the belief above, I'm working on thinking, "He's lashing out because he's scared that our relationship is so broken. He's sad that he's not a bigger part of his grandson's life, and he knows that he really doesn't have the capacity to be a loving father or grandfather."

When I reframe my belief then the consequence is that I feel more compassion than anger. My therapist and I are working on the idea that it's better to feel sad about my relationship than to feel anger. Anger keeps me "stuck" and only tears me apart emotionally. It's going to take a while for me to work through this, as it's been ingrained in me for 42 years. However, I'm feeling healthier and freer than I have in years because i'm working through this.

The other tool that I'm using and highly recommend is mindfulness/meditation. I'm finding that even doing five minutes of meditation each morning and each night has really changed my outlook and helped me to let go of and/or control my anger. Slowly I'm finding that I can get back to feeling peaceful when I practice a specific visualization when I start to thinking obsessively (and angrily) about my father. Here's a meditation that I do regularly, and I can use this visualization whenever I start to feel anxious or upset:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i50ZAs7v9es

Best of luck with this. It's hard to overcome, but I agree with the posters who wrote about the power to claim adulthood, even if childhood had been taken away. I'm tired of allowing this to control my life, and I'm ready to create a different narrative for my relationship with my own child.

I think that the only thing that helps is time and distance. I tried everything (therapy included) and was still so angry. Once I got away from that person and time went by, I started to get better. It took a long time, and I'm not patient. Everyone told me that the anger was harming ME, not the intended person, but I could not get rid of it. When I was really feeling bad I would jog to get my heart rate up, that did help some for a short term fix.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allow yourself to have those feelings and ignore those who say to just let go. I think it's forcing us to just let go that allows those feelings to have a stronger hold on us than ever. As someone who was also abused by a family member who is still alive (so I can never completely be "free" of since I still have to hear about her), I constantly was told to "make a clean slate", "forgive & forget," "get over it." Well, that set me up for abuse again and again. And, finally I realized that I needed to forgive MYSELF -- I need to forgive myself for having rushes of feelings of sadness and fear when I did nothing wrong and was an innocent child. When the feelings arise, which they do, I hug myself, give myself a long breath, and tell myself I am RIGHT to have those feelings and am doing nothing wrong.

That's really nice. I do think in the case of my parents what would help these feelings go away is a relationship that is parental and nurturing and fills those unmet needs. As an adult it's hard to find that, though, so I guess you have to learn to literally give it to yourself. Thanks.

This is what you have to let go of. It's not just the anger at your parents. It's giving up on the idea that you can go back in time and have the parent/child/young adult/aging adult relationship that you missed. It's letting go of the idea that this relationship is essential to your wholeness as a human being, and starting to look at yourself as already whole. Maybe you can be that person for your own kids or someone else, but continuing to hope, and be angry that it isn't happening, is a recipe for allowing shitty people to shit all over your life now, too.

You have to decide to accept the fact the only person in this life you control is you, and that you have the power to make yourself happier.

Keep a gratitude journal -- lots of proof that these work to change your thinking. It's not easy and it's not overnight, but you really can completely change your entire view of your own life from a shitty one of an abused child who lost out on healthy parents to a great one of a loved spouse (as an example) or parent who gained on wonderful friends. The more you focus on the amazing, the less the shitty has control over you.

Anonymous wrote:I thought I had dealt with my anger. My parents have both passed. But now that my kid is in HS-it is all flooding back. My father always harped on me about my grades, I was never good enough. Now I am perpetuating the negativity and am so stressed because my kid isn't doing as well as he could. It is ruining my health and our relationship. I am going to therapy to learn some skills, but I feel sick just thinking about my behavior.

I went to therapy for a long time, and 90% of it was a waste of money and time (and really following her theories that I was secretly also physically abused even though I said again and again that it was 100% emotional!). So, I'm pretty anti-therapy. BUT, one thing that she taught me that I've held on to for all these years is that the fact that you recognize that you were abused is STEP one (in other words, you are breaking the cycle just by being able to know and say what happened to you -- many people black out, deny, downplay and refuse to admit the flaws in their childhood and parents -- even though we ALL have issues and that's normal). The fact that you recognize in yourself when you do that same thing (versus denying it, downplaying it, or hiding it which is what many people do) is STEP two. She says that STEP three is talking to someone. (Obviously I was talking to her and that was costing money and time and dealing with her bad therapy skills, BUT her point was that I could talk to anyone.) My therapist encouraged me to reach out to my sister, who shared the experience and start talking to her and stop therapy. That worked -- my sister and I are closer to ever, opening up about what we went through as children (we never had talked about it before that point), and being there for each other (and my sister obviously knows there wasn't physical abuse so I don't have to deal with psycho theories from therapists looking for non-existent issues). You can go to therapy but don't use a shitty therapist as a reason not to open up to someone you trust.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allow yourself to have those feelings and ignore those who say to just let go. I think it's forcing us to just let go that allows those feelings to have a stronger hold on us than ever. As someone who was also abused by a family member who is still alive (so I can never completely be "free" of since I still have to hear about her), I constantly was told to "make a clean slate", "forgive & forget," "get over it." Well, that set me up for abuse again and again. And, finally I realized that I needed to forgive MYSELF -- I need to forgive myself for having rushes of feelings of sadness and fear when I did nothing wrong and was an innocent child. When the feelings arise, which they do, I hug myself, give myself a long breath, and tell myself I am RIGHT to have those feelings and am doing nothing wrong.

That's really nice. I do think in the case of my parents what would help these feelings go away is a relationship that is parental and nurturing and fills those unmet needs. As an adult it's hard to find that, though, so I guess you have to learn to literally give it to yourself. Thanks.

This is what you have to let go of. It's not just the anger at your parents. It's giving up on the idea that you can go back in time and have the parent/child/young adult/aging adult relationship that you missed. It's letting go of the idea that this relationship is essential to your wholeness as a human being, and starting to look at yourself as already whole. Maybe you can be that person for your own kids or someone else, but continuing to hope, and be angry that it isn't happening, is a recipe for allowing shitty people to shit all over your life now, too.

You have to decide to accept the fact the only person in this life you control is you, and that you have the power to make yourself happier.