Honestly, if I was the kid whose bar or bat mitzvah shirt was being worn by some kids, I'd be mortified. You can't always invite everyone you want to an event, and it would be awful to highlight to the kids I might have thought about inviting but couldn't that they weren't included (even though they may already know). Negotiating these relationships is so hard for our teens. Why are parents trying to make middle school even harder by allowing and encouraging these dumb practices? Let's teach our kids to be kind, thoughtful and considerate instead.

Anonymous wrote:My DC never got invited to a single bar or bat mitzvah in middle school. Can parents please consider only providing these shirts as party favours on the condition that all kids from the child's grade level are invited? Try to imagine how kids feel to see these shirts week after week.

A couple of thoughts:

1) inviting all the kids from a grade level only works in some smaller schools. For DD's Bat Mitzvah, this would have meant inviting 600 kids. Given our venue could only hold 150 people, and our budget could only handle about 100 people, that was not going to happen. The cost to invite the entire grade would be about $30,000; I do not have that kind of money.

2) we did not do clothing party favors. I do not have that kind of money.

3) you can not control what people wear to school.

https://www.google.com/search?q=bar+mitzvah+hoodies&client=safari&hl=en-us&prmd=sivn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjB_sLvgpnPAhWH5oMKHatYBHIQ_AUICSgC&biw=320&bih=460#imgrc=k029yKVdULTabM%3A

If anyone wonders about how they often look.

My DC actually attended one this weekend. The favor was sweatpants.

For all you posters who keep saying the kid should just deal with it, perhaps you are part of the problem. I am guessing your kids aren't being excluded but at this age it should a parent's responsibility to teach humility and kindness, not exclusion and derision.

http://girlillawarfare.com/being-left-out-hurts-heres-what-you-can-do/

Anonymous wrote:So, kids give out shirts and hoodies with their name on them?

And other kids actually wear them? In public? Really?

Like a shirt that says "Rebecca's Bat Mitzvah" plastered across their chest?

That is kind of funny. Surprising and funny.

I'm the teacher at the W feeder MS. Not like that. The shirts and hoodies have the b'nai mitzvah kid's monogram and the date. I guess it's more tasteful than the shirts from 5 years ago that had witty sayings and clip art representing the theme. One child a few years back had a basketball theme and a minor NBA star was a guest. His shirts had a basketball and hoop on it.

My three oldest kids were invited to many, many bar/bat mitzvahs during middle school (anywhere from 15-25 each), so we have had numerous tshirts/sweatshirts/sweatpants to commemorate these events. It is the practice to wear these items on the next school day . . . the kids even get angsty about deciding which one to wear if they attended more than one party on the same weekend. Having said that - I completely understand the OP's view and agree that this is a potentially hurtful practice. I often asked my kids to consider how other kids not invited to the party must feel on that school day when so many are wearing the same thing. It is exclusive and mean in practice, even though I'm sure that is not the intent. OP is not saying her kid is a "special snowflake" who needs his or her feelings protected due to a single incident. At some middle schools, like the ones my kids attended, these parties are practically every single weekend for the entire school year. A child who does not attend any and is faced with the same reminders not only on social media all weekend but then again at school on Monday must feel terrible. I'm shocked at all the adults on this board who lack enough empathy to feel bad for a child, let alone that child's parent. How hard is it to imagine your child or yourself in OP's position? OP, FWIW, I agree with you.

Anonymous wrote:So, kids give out shirts and hoodies with their name on them?

And other kids actually wear them? In public? Really?

Like a shirt that says "Rebecca's Bat Mitzvah" plastered across their chest?

That is kind of funny. Surprising and funny.

Kind of dorky too. It would immediately become a sleep shirt at our house.

So, kids give out shirts and hoodies with their name on them?

And other kids actually wear them? In public? Really?

Like a shirt that says "Rebecca's Bat Mitzvah" plastered across their chest?

That is kind of funny. Surprising and funny.

Anonymous wrote:I'm Jewish, and I've never seen this phenomenon, but I don't doubt it exists. Its appallingly rude to wear the shirts en masse the next day. Yeah, not everyone gets invited to everything. But it's basic kindergarten manners not to rub that in people's faces!

I don't have a teen nor will I be throwing a bar mitzvah at some point so I don't have a dog in this fight yet, but this is the right answer. By 12/13, teens probably should be able to understand that not everyone will be invited to everything and they should be able to manage it - but even adults are hurt when they are left out of things. That is not a character flaw, that's just human. However, it's basic ettiquette not to flaunt events that you were invited to, to someone who wasn't included. That is just good manners 101. Not sure whether that obligation rests on the planner to avoid a favor that lends itself to such flaunting or the parents of the invitees to make sure their children know better than to wear them the next day (or maybe both because 12/13 year olds are not adults and don't always exhibit the best judgement). But seriously people.

At my niece and nephew's affluent suburban NJ middle school in NJ about 5 years ago, this phenomenon really went beyond all reason. Hoodies, jackets, sweatpants, really high end with embroidery etc.
It was really out of hand, so the school instituted a policy so kids would not wear the items to school.
Parents started switching to personalized blankets for each guests.
So crazy.

Anonymous wrote:I'm throwing a bar mitzvah and I made sure the party favor was not a tshirt.

Not the OP, but I have to say you sound like a very kind person. Congratulations on your son's upcoming bar mitzvah!

It's really hard. I recommend favors that include water bottles, blankets, those little bag sacks or anything else that isn't so horribly obvious. Yes, kids should deal but it's really hard when you are 13.....

There was just an article about this in the Times.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are young, but do kids really wear some other kid's bar mitzvah shirt to school? How often?

Yeah, I'm a bit stunned that this tacky party favor is still around... Was done more on Long Island than in New Jersey back in the day....

I don't think so. LI girl here who did go to one almost every weekend and never, ever got a shirt. Had no idea it was a thing.

I'm Jewish, and I've never seen this phenomenon, but I don't doubt it exists. Its appallingly rude to wear the shirts en masse the next day. Yeah, not everyone gets invited to everything. But it's basic kindergarten manners not to rub that in people's faces!