Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend, who is in her mid- to late thirties. She and her DH have been living apart for close to six years by now. He is in a state three hours away because his job is there, and he's doing really well. She moved with him originally, but found it stifling and missed the international vibe of DC. So she moved back when her old job offered to take her back. At the time the kids were six and two. They are still here with no plans to move back. She rents a large apartment and her parents live with her and the kids, and provide a pretty much 24/7 childcare coverage. Her DH visits every other weekend, or she visits him, or they travel together. They seem to be doing well. I think she secretly prefers this arrangement because it's less work for her, she has time to pursue hobbies and interest while grandma and grandpa watch the kids, she has the bed to herself, and her relationship with DH feels fresh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what's the problem, op?

Assuming you can afford the retirement home now, buy it and use it for vacations until your youngest goes to college and you can both move there together. Feel free to hang out there for longer stints if you want, but remember that your job of parenting your kids must come first until you drop them off at college.

What's the issue? Do you think your husband doesn't want to retire there anymore?

Can you name the area? Something to keep in mind: health care. The health care system in Hawaii, the Caribbean, Mexico, DR, CR, etc. is awful. The health care system in Florida is surprisingly awful as well. I have friends who retired to the USVI, Hawaii, and parts of the south and they fly home to DC or Hopkins for medical care. People need good health care as they age. Unless you are rolling in money and can afford to fly to a better area for doctors appointments, you might consider keeping condos in two areas.

There may be no problem. Parenting my kids obviously comes first and is why I'm willing to stay another decade. The issue I am facing is what makes sense for the 5-10 years once kids leave for college but while DH may want to continue his career in our current area. My guess is it will just get harder for him to move as time goes on. But perhaps I'm borrowing trouble. He knows (or should - I've said it multiple times) that I plan to move or at least spend 6 months a year elsewhere once kids are off to college. So I guess I can leave it up to him what he wants to do if that's the case.

How far away is the retirement location from the place you currently lives and DH works? There's a world of difference between DC/Florida and DC/Hawaii, for example. I could see working out an arrangement where you guys keep an apartment in DC (or whatever city you now live in) and split time between that and your retirement home. Maybe DH takes off Fridays and stays down with you, then commutes back to the city for work Monday-Thursday. A week or two later you do something similar -- head up to the city to be with him for a long weekend before returning home. No way would this be possible if the two locations are more than a few hours away by either plane or car. I personally wouldn't want to risk my marriage with that much distance for that long, but that's me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what's the problem, op?

Assuming you can afford the retirement home now, buy it and use it for vacations until your youngest goes to college and you can both move there together. Feel free to hang out there for longer stints if you want, but remember that your job of parenting your kids must come first until you drop them off at college.

What's the issue? Do you think your husband doesn't want to retire there anymore?

Can you name the area? Something to keep in mind: health care. The health care system in Hawaii, the Caribbean, Mexico, DR, CR, etc. is awful. The health care system in Florida is surprisingly awful as well. I have friends who retired to the USVI, Hawaii, and parts of the south and they fly home to DC or Hopkins for medical care. People need good health care as they age. Unless you are rolling in money and can afford to fly to a better area for doctors appointments, you might consider keeping condos in two areas.

There may be no problem. Parenting my kids obviously comes first and is why I'm willing to stay another decade. The issue I am facing is what makes sense for the 5-10 years once kids leave for college but while DH may want to continue his career in our current area. My guess is it will just get harder for him to move as time goes on. But perhaps I'm borrowing trouble. He knows (or should - I've said it multiple times) that I plan to move or at least spend 6 months a year elsewhere once kids are off to college. So I guess I can leave it up to him what he wants to do if that's the case.

Anonymous wrote:So what's the problem, op?

Assuming you can afford the retirement home now, buy it and use it for vacations until your youngest goes to college and you can both move there together. Feel free to hang out there for longer stints if you want, but remember that your job of parenting your kids must come first until you drop them off at college.

What's the issue? Do you think your husband doesn't want to retire there anymore?

Can you name the area? Something to keep in mind: health care. The health care system in Hawaii, the Caribbean, Mexico, DR, CR, etc. is awful. The health care system in Florida is surprisingly awful as well. I have friends who retired to the USVI, Hawaii, and parts of the south and they fly home to DC or Hopkins for medical care. People need good health care as they age. Unless you are rolling in money and can afford to fly to a better area for doctors appointments, you might consider keeping condos in two areas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you really dislike where you are now, you should move now, before the kids get to middle school and high school.

You don't want to spend all these years in a place you dislike, if you have the means to move now and to make it work for everyone. The kids will adjust better than you'd think at this age.

I've moved around all my life, living all over the world, all over this country, so I'm very adaptable, but one thing I've learned is that if I disliked a place, it never got better with time. Another thing I learned is that it's pretty horrible to move during high school.

Thank you for this. Gives me a lot to think about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the hobby? Paddle boarding?

OP here. Rather than get into my specifics I will provide an analogy to my situation.

Imagine you are an observant individual for whom the practice of your religion is important. Now imagine you live somewhere where you are the only member of your faith and you must travel large distances in order to find other practitioners / your religious community.

Apples and watermelons.

You sound like a drama queen.

I really love to lay on the beach in Caribbean and drink mudslides, but that doesn't mean I can up and move there without my husband.

We will just have to disagree on that point.

The agreement with my spouse when we moved was that we could move again after X amount of time if I wasn't happy. I'm not happy. But the other members of my family are happy. So I am trying to figure out a solution / long term plan that will best meet everybody's needs, including mine. If that makes me a Drama Queen, so be it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the hobby? Paddle boarding?

OP here. Rather than get into my specifics I will provide an analogy to my situation.

Imagine you are an observant individual for whom the practice of your religion is important. Now imagine you live somewhere where you are the only member of your faith and you must travel large distances in order to find other practitioners / your religious community.

Apples and watermelons.

You sound like a drama queen.

I really love to lay on the beach in Caribbean and drink mudslides, but that doesn't mean I can up and move there without my husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the hobby? Paddle boarding?

OP here. Rather than get into my specifics I will provide an analogy to my situation.

Imagine you are an observant individual for whom the practice of your religion is important. Now imagine you live somewhere where you are the only member of your faith and you must travel large distances in order to find other practitioners / your religious community.

Anonymous wrote:We lived apart due to job situations for the first 3.5 years of our marriage. There was a geographic angle to this, since both of our careers were also pretty geographically limited. When I got pregnant, I switched careers and moved to where DH was/we still are. Just had our second baby, and things are pretty good between us. I don't know about doing this in retirement, just because I like being in the same house as DH, but it is workable in general if you are good communicators by phone and have the means and willingness to travel frequently.

One thing that might have helped us, though, is that DH and I were also long-distance when we first started dating (moved to be together for several years, then apart for jobs). DH isn't naturally great at talking through things, but that started us off on the right foot of good communication. Without the ability to talk through emotional stuff on the phone, I don't think a LD marriage would work.

Anonymous wrote:What's the hobby? Paddle boarding?