Anonymous
Post 09/18/2016 10:47     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm in this same bad place, except it's DW who feels that way. We never had fireworks, but the sex has gotten to near-non-existent (early June was the last time). DW was always on the "curvy" side and now, post-baby, has really never gotten off the pregnancy weight. I don't actually mind but she was already shy and self-conscious and now is super self-conscious to the point of not really wanting to have sex. DW wasn't as experienced or "skilled" but that never bothered me - mostly vanilla missionary is fine - but I am unhappy that my attempts to initiate are met more with sex-negativity than just declining - that smacks of avoidance.


This sounds familiar. On top of the stuff you describe, the room kept getting darker and darker when we had sex. There kept being more rules about when we could do it. Her shirt came off less and less. She needed a 20 minute massage before we could get on to sexier kinds of foreplay. Once we got going, she would generally do what I suggested, but took less and less initiative. Ugh.


huh, maybe if you took joy in what turns her on instead of saying "ugh" about it, you'd have a better sex life. and yuck, your barometer of good sex is that she "generally does what you suggested"? frankly you sound like a jerk and a bad lay.


My barometer of good sex isn't her doing what I suggest. I want her to take some initiative & show some creativity. I feel like I make all the effort to turn her on, and she makes no effort to reciprocate. My "ugh" comes from the feeling of a one-way street. It's like having an improv partner who used to respond and add to any premise you threw out but now, years later, either stands mute when you say something or tells you that your premise is stupid and asks you to read from a script that's a monologue. I used to have a partner, now I have an audience.


But that's not what you said. You complained about things she likes, like dim lighting and massages. If you can't respect her preferences then she can probably sense your disdain. It's really you turning it into a monologue.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2016 09:39     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Listen, we still have regular sex a couple times a week. However, we also have two little kids. That means rip your clothes off as soon as spouse walks through the door sex is a no go.

Sex is strictly a bedroom activity and only at night.

Plus, during the day my mind is always (at least a little bit) on the kids. The passionate all the time/anywhere type sex you describe is for the beginning of the relationship and romantic weekends away from home.

Anonymous
Post 09/18/2016 09:17     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm in this same bad place, except it's DW who feels that way. We never had fireworks, but the sex has gotten to near-non-existent (early June was the last time). DW was always on the "curvy" side and now, post-baby, has really never gotten off the pregnancy weight. I don't actually mind but she was already shy and self-conscious and now is super self-conscious to the point of not really wanting to have sex. DW wasn't as experienced or "skilled" but that never bothered me - mostly vanilla missionary is fine - but I am unhappy that my attempts to initiate are met more with sex-negativity than just declining - that smacks of avoidance.


This sounds familiar. On top of the stuff you describe, the room kept getting darker and darker when we had sex. There kept being more rules about when we could do it. Her shirt came off less and less. She needed a 20 minute massage before we could get on to sexier kinds of foreplay. Once we got going, she would generally do what I suggested, but took less and less initiative. Ugh.


huh, maybe if you took joy in what turns her on instead of saying "ugh" about it, you'd have a better sex life. and yuck, your barometer of good sex is that she "generally does what you suggested"? frankly you sound like a jerk and a bad lay.


My barometer of good sex isn't her doing what I suggest. I want her to take some initiative & show some creativity. I feel like I make all the effort to turn her on, and she makes no effort to reciprocate. My "ugh" comes from the feeling of a one-way street. It's like having an improv partner who used to respond and add to any premise you threw out but now, years later, either stands mute when you say something or tells you that your premise is stupid and asks you to read from a script that's a monologue. I used to have a partner, now I have an audience.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2016 15:59     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:
Speak for yourself, I've been happily married 30 years to a wife who still looks 10 years younger then her age and we have sex 3 or 4 times a week. Absolute secret to a happy marriage.


You sound like my DH.

OP, sex is intimacy, comfort, connection and sometime it is getting a need met. Don't analyze it too much. DH and I are up for anything - long, passionate sessions as well as quickies too. Sometimes it is romantic and sexy, and sometimes it is just to get off. When my dad had a stroke and was in the hospital, I cried throughout the night and DH kept holding me through it all. We also kept making love throughout the night and it was the most loving, emotional and caring thing that DH did for me.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2016 15:47     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:I was lamenting the lack of exciting sex my husband and I have shared and he responded that most couples don't have the type of sex I'm talking about (rushing to have sex the minute arriving home from work). Is this actually true? I remember my sex life with boyfriends and it was quite something.

Sometimes I get sad because I've never had this kind of sex with my husband. We've had sex in the morning but it's more that he has a hard on and needs to take care of his needs as opposed to really wanting and desiring me. He's never just had to have me after a date night or after not seeing each other for a while. Is this normal?



It sounds like what you want is to know that he wants you and desires you in particular, more than his hand, more than his former AP. I think another pp is right that when you want a certain behavior, complaining about the current situation is not the most effective way to get it. You could simply tell him what you want. Or you could show him. Sometimes passion begets passion. When my bf saw how much I wanted him, he started to want me.

But, how long ago was the affair? How long did it go on? That seems like it would have a big impact on your sex life.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2016 13:16     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:I was lamenting the lack of exciting sex my husband and I have shared and he responded that most couples don't have the type of sex I'm talking about (rushing to have sex the minute arriving home from work). Is this actually true? I remember my sex life with boyfriends and it was quite something.

Sometimes I get sad because I've never had this kind of sex with my husband. We've had sex in the morning but it's more that he has a hard on and needs to take care of his needs as opposed to really wanting and desiring me. He's never just had to have me after a date night or after not seeing each other for a while. Is this normal?



everyone's sex life is normal for them. the sooner you stop comparing yourself to others or to fantasies, the sooner you can appreciate and enjoy what you have. hint: openly comparing and "lamenting" your sex life to your partner is not likely to inspire good sex ...
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2016 13:14     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm in this same bad place, except it's DW who feels that way. We never had fireworks, but the sex has gotten to near-non-existent (early June was the last time). DW was always on the "curvy" side and now, post-baby, has really never gotten off the pregnancy weight. I don't actually mind but she was already shy and self-conscious and now is super self-conscious to the point of not really wanting to have sex. DW wasn't as experienced or "skilled" but that never bothered me - mostly vanilla missionary is fine - but I am unhappy that my attempts to initiate are met more with sex-negativity than just declining - that smacks of avoidance.


This sounds familiar. On top of the stuff you describe, the room kept getting darker and darker when we had sex. There kept being more rules about when we could do it. Her shirt came off less and less. She needed a 20 minute massage before we could get on to sexier kinds of foreplay. Once we got going, she would generally do what I suggested, but took less and less initiative. Ugh.


huh, maybe if you took joy in what turns her on instead of saying "ugh" about it, you'd have a better sex life. and yuck, your barometer of good sex is that she "generally does what you suggested"? frankly you sound like a jerk and a bad lay.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2016 10:47     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:I was lamenting the lack of exciting sex my husband and I have shared and he responded that most couples don't have the type of sex I'm talking about (rushing to have sex the minute arriving home from work). Is this actually true? I remember my sex life with boyfriends and it was quite something.

Sometimes I get sad because I've never had this kind of sex with my husband. We've had sex in the morning but it's more that he has a hard on and needs to take care of his needs as opposed to really wanting and desiring me. He's never just had to have me after a date night or after not seeing each other for a while. Is this normal?



This is my normal. Sex with dh can be good, very good, but it isn't passionate. It is more because we've been together for so long he knows how my body responds.

Actually, after not seeing dh for a while makes me less likely to want him, not more.

Nothing wrong with morning sex bc he has morning wood. Take advantage.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2016 08:49     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:He's having an affair. There's no way a man is getting offered to him and he turns it down. Or he's gay.

Women have the biggest egos... There are other possibilities...he does not find her attractive, the sex is bad or hurts, etc. 90% of women are clueless or bad in bed. A lot of time men will just do it because it is easier...women think every man wants them...it's not true. When you turn them down for sex because they are horrible at it, you make up an excuse. Lord help the man who tells the woman the truth.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2016 21:26     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Most couples married for more than 5 years are having very little sex (read this forum) and when they do its not the passion fueled hot sex you're talking about.


Speak for yourself, I've been happily married 30 years to a wife who still looks 10 years younger then her age and we have sex 3 or 4 times a week. Absulut secret to a happy marriage.


I agree with you that frequent, passionate sex is among the key ingredients to a happy marriage. I said most (not all) couples don't have that. I am jealous you and your wife still do.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2016 17:08     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:I was lamenting the lack of exciting sex my husband and I have shared and he responded that most couples don't have the type of sex I'm talking about (rushing to have sex the minute arriving home from work). Is this actually true? I remember my sex life with boyfriends and it was quite something.

Sometimes I get sad because I've never had this kind of sex with my husband. We've had sex in the morning but it's more that he has a hard on and needs to take care of his needs as opposed to really wanting and desiring me. He's never just had to have me after a date night or after not seeing each other for a while. Is this normal?


It might be, but I sure don't want to settle for that. I mentioned something like that to my wife just recently but how exciting things used to be. Her response was when I was younger than switch reply so I don't understand How getting older mean you can't have any more fun
mjsmith
Post 09/16/2016 14:39     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Wish my DW was more like the OP. I'd love to come home from work and walk into my wifes home office to see her waiting for me. Or she just decides to come to bed undressed while I'm already dozing and wake me up...
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2016 03:31     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:He's having an affair. There's no way a man is getting offered to him and he turns it down. Or he's gay.


No. He did have an affair but this was a while ago.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2016 03:31     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:well, with 3 kids (older kids so not as needy as toddlers/infants), we have really good regular sex (it was always really good and just got sooo much better as we've gotten older).

But usually once a week or so we have wild sex - either bc we had a some wine and fun (heavy foreplay) on the couch late at night or he or I was particularly horny after having gone out for date night. Sometimes we never make it upstairs to the bedroom

When DH travels (he is overseas every few months for a couple of weeks), I literally tear his clothes off (and he also unbelievably raring to go) the day he comes home and usually for a couple of days immediately upon his return.

So it seems odd that your DH doesn't feel this way.


I'm so incredibly jealous.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2016 03:30     Subject: Sex with spouse (non explicit)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was lamenting the lack of exciting sex my husband and I have shared and he responded that most couples don't have the type of sex I'm talking about (rushing to have sex the minute arriving home from work). Is this actually true? I remember my sex life with boyfriends and it was quite something.

Sometimes I get sad because I've never had this kind of sex with my husband. We've had sex in the morning but it's more that he has a hard on and needs to take care of his needs as opposed to really wanting and desiring me. He's never just had to have me after a date night or after not seeing each other for a while. Is this normal?



Is his name Michael, by chance? Sounds just like my ex-husband. He never had a sex drive. Ever. We were in our 20s.


No