You either have a friend with benefits during non-custodial time ans never introduce your kids or you seek a man who wants to be a step father.

A year or so after my divorce I did option one for a year. I wasn't going to interrupt my child's adjustment nor my personal growth process by seeking a "replacement" family.

Later I dated someone who seemed to want us to try option two. We dated on our own for six months with option two in mind before deciding to start option two, at which point I told my XH we were doing this and then introduced BF and child in low-pressure situations such as get togethers with other friends and play mates. It went well and we built from there. They liked each other and my them-BF wanted to be a husband and step father and we built toward that. Did they "love" each other immediately? No more than I "loved" my boyfriend right away. But they liked each other and he committed to be a parental figure in her life, and their bond did grow into real love.

Today she trusts him more than her father. He's a better listener and more patient. Dad is still dad though.

This was all a process. It takes even more planning and commitment than starting a family from scratch. It doesn't just happen because you'd like it to.

As for the unsupported assertion that no one can love someone else's "brats," I'm sorry your capacity for love is so limited and your sense of the world is so cynical. Our experience and the experience of many friends with open adoptions or successful blended families is real and impeotant.

It's also not OP's situation apparently.

Like me, like my kids. We are a package deal. If he can't handle that he needs to go.

Deal breaker. Don't put sex ahead of your kids they will never forgive you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he "loves" you but he doesn't care for your kids, then he doesn't actually love you. Sad, but true.

+1,000

You're kidding yourself, OP. He doesn't love you at all.

Bullshit.

OP, I wouldn't do it. To be fair, I wouldn't date a man with kids either. I know I wouldn't care about another woman's brats. That's just the way it is.

Hit the road, Jack! is all you should be saying.

Deal breaker. How can he care about you and be indifferent to the most important part of your world?

Buh-bye!

You are kidding right op?

If this is true, then yes you need to realize that he doesn't really love you and your kids. If you still for some reason in hell that you want to proceed, then just give your children up to someone else who will put them first.

If you try to keep the kids and this new dude, I promise you will lose your kids love sooner than later. How would you feel if your kids feel indifferent about you? This is the most they will feel about you especially since I can almost predict that the new man will treat your kids bad. Why would you put them in this situation? Do you seriously want your kids treated poorly?

~Signed a daughter of a mother who chose an asshole over her kids. Btw, she ended up divorcing him
After he cheated on her, but we don't talk anymore so that's that.

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I was perfectly happy having a boyfriend for a year with whom I spent grown up time on my weekends off or on the occasional Friday when Grandma babysat. He never even met my kids. I would have happily gone on like that for years. I don't want to be remarried. I don't even want to have to live with a man.
What is it that you want from a relationship OP? Personally I have no intention of even introducing my kids to my dates or ever bringing a date home until they are 18/out of the house.

Clearly you have different priorities from OP.

I would end it. And there are guys out here who will love your kids too. I can tell you from personal experience that my relationship with my dad has never recovered from him choosing a longterm partner post-divorce who didn't care for my presence. My mom dated and almost remarried, but we were prioritized.

Anonymous wrote:If he "loves" you but he doesn't care for your kids, then he doesn't actually love you. Sad, but true.

+1,000

You're kidding yourself, OP. He doesn't love you at all.

If he "loves" you but he doesn't care for your kids, then he doesn't actually love you. Sad, but true.

I will never forget this.

I was at the mall, in a women's clothing store where a couple w/a little boy (about five years old) were also shopping.

Well my friend had a lot of things she wanted to try on so I sat outside the fitting rooms waiting for her.

Well this lady was there w/her man & little boy.
They all chatted happily + appeared to me to be a typical happy family.
Then the woman asked the man if he could watch her son while she tried some stuff on and he said he would.

So after the woman leaves, the little boy climbs up on the man's lap and begins a conversation w/him.
He was simply asking him a few questions and the guy simply ignored the kid.
His body language looked very uncomfortable & detached and he blatantly kept ignoring this child when he talked.

It was so heart-wrenching to hear the boy ask him over + over, "Did you hear me Jake??....?"
while the guy just sat there totally detached from this kid.

I knew that no man would ever treat my child like that.
If he did, I would never want to see him again if he did!!
(I am not placing any blame on the mother. She may have had no idea.)

I read the title of this thread and instantly thought:

Run like hell.

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I was perfectly happy having a boyfriend for a year with whom I spent grown up time on my weekends off or on the occasional Friday when Grandma babysat. He never even met my kids. I would have happily gone on like that for years. I don't want to be remarried. I don't even want to have to live with a man.
What is it that you want from a relationship OP? Personally I have no intention of even introducing my kids to my dates or ever bringing a date home until they are 18/out of the house.

I suspect that if all OP was looking for was basically a casual FWB for when her kids were with their dad, she wouldn't be asking about this to begin with.

My relative just lost custody of his kids, in part, because his wife hated them. It manifested itself in verbal abuse. I wouldn't do it. Those kids are your obligation. The boyfriend is just a desire, not a need.