Anonymous wrote:Silent treatment is emotional abuse. By this I do not mean stepping back and being quiet while you calm down and sort your feelings and thoughts out. You can respectfully say, hey I need a day to back off, cool down, and think. But to purposely not speak to someone is abusive. It makes a person feel bad--invalidated, unloved, trapped and punished. All effects of abusive behavior.

You nailed this on the head. The worse part about this is that as a child, teen, and college student my mother continued to do this to me. Now as a young adult, I am finally fighting back by telling her she cannot treat me this way. It actually wasn't something she was aware she was doing to me until I labeled it and called her out on it. I just wished I had known about it 25+ years ago.

Silent treatment is emotional abuse. By this I do not mean stepping back and being quiet while you calm down and sort your feelings and thoughts out. You can respectfully say, hey I need a day to back off, cool down, and think. But to purposely not speak to someone is abusive. It makes a person feel bad--invalidated, unloved, trapped and punished. All effects of abusive behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I go silent when I'm working through an issue and don't want to say something I'd regret before I've figured out exactly what I want to say. DH is one of the most passive-aggressive people I've ever known, and also you have to walk on eggshells around him because he explodes if you say the wrong thing. Better not to address the subject until you're really sure about what you want to say.

I don't think OP is discussing a cooling down period where partners are thoughtfully organizing thoughts to avoid an escalation. The question how long before you break makes this sound more like a manipulative tactic that's going on.

I go silent when I'm working through an issue and don't want to say something I'd regret before I've figured out exactly what I want to say. DH is one of the most passive-aggressive people I've ever known, and also you have to walk on eggshells around him because he explodes if you say the wrong thing. Better not to address the subject until you're really sure about what you want to say.

My own mother used this on me ALL the time.

I hated it because it made me feel so insignificant just as a person. I felt invisible & truly unworthy and as a teen, it really affected my self-esteem to the hilt.

I would ask her a simple question + she wouldn't even look at me or even say a word.
It hurt me, but also angered me too.

One time she even told my friend, "Oh...Just give her the silent treatment. I always do. Ha!"

Now looking back as an adult now, I see it as very immature as well as a head trip.

I may be extra-sensitive now, but in no way would I let any man do this to me.
It would be a huge dealbreaker on my end.

My DH used to go silent on me following heated discussions. He'd do this for a few days until I would give in and apologize and "make things better," because I couldn't stand the silence. In our case he was just shutting down because he can't handle emotionally intense discussions, and I can be pretty intense. I come from a family where we fight with each other, resolve things on the spot, and move on with our lives. In his family everyone is passive, nonconfrontational, and harbors grudges. DH and I agreed (during calmer times) that stepping away from an argument is fine, but he needs to indicate a time when he will discuss in the future. I've also found that he does better resolving disagreements over email, because he can't handle face to face confrontation.

I don't consider what he used to do abusive. It was his way of coping. It just wasn't very good for our relationship, since silence doesn't resolve anything.

Anonymous wrote:I just enjoy it for as long as it lasts

Omg hilarious! I'd love to get the silent treatment for a couple days.

Anonymous wrote:Just tell them, grow up and use your words. Otherwise, vote with your feet. Im not aound here for anybody to punish.

Agree, I find times like this to be great days for a spa day and to self indulge. And champagne in a beautiful ice bucket on the kitchen counter. Might as well enjoy myself while he's sulking

Hey, sometimes silence is an act of kindness. Have you ever dealt with alcoholics and addicts? After their binge, or over the top actions within the events, better to say nothing than to waste your breath addressing the issues.

As for passive aggressive, they talk, they will even commit and promise and then don't do crap. Silence would be much better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Silent treatment is used by people with no power. Maybe take a look at the power dynamics in the relationship. Does each side get heard and share in the decision?

This is not always the case.

But is sometimes the case, in contrast to all the blanket statements above.