Do yourself a favor and buy Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." You may recognize yourself on the pages.

Lectures don't work. Of course a 7 year old (!) knows that words hurt and make people feel bad. Duh, why do you think they said they hate you? Itegets a reaction. I'd side with your husband. One outburst doesn't make it abuse. Sounds like you both do need a kick in the pants. Your kid doesn't get to upset the whole family, and coddling won't help matters. Give that kids some chores when they are 'insolent' instead of holding their hand and talking about 'big feelings.' Good god.