My friend worked like a dog to raise himself up by his bootstraps. Married a woman during law school; she was probably a DC 6 (or a LA 4). He then went to DOJ and did really well. Made some connections and went to a LA firm as a partner. Wife wanted to stay in DC, but went along grudgingly.

He worked as hard as ever and built his book. Made equity partner after two years. In the meantime he updated his haircut, got a more stylish wardrobe, dropped some weight, and earned the money that his talent always could earn.

Women noticed. He started having LA 9's approaching HIM during happy hours and out and about. He resisted the first few times. But when you resist and then come home to your wife complaining about the PTA and the 405, it gets old. Eventually he had someone come onto him out at a hip LA club one night, just after a fight with his wife, and he couldn't resist any longer. Been about 9 months and he's having the time of his life--but has no interest in splitting up with DW until he can shelter his earnings better.

Flybynight wrote:I've noticed a lot of references to APs in the threads. Just curious what motivated your decision? Did you pursue the AP, or did they pursue you? A friend recently admitted to me that he has an AP, but also says that he is perfectly happy every area of his relationship with his husband? I find this odd. I can understand if there were problems or sexual incompatibility.

I flung open the door, and he walked through it.

I was not perfectly happy in every area of my relationship with my husband, although you would not have been able to tell that from the outside. I am more so now, interestingly. I am having very regular sex at home (AP says he is not, but knows that I am). I miss him when I don't see him, which is most of the time.

Why I have an AP: I think it started because I was so unhappy at home in my marriage. But it has continued because I like the sex. I like the emotional intimacy. I like his laugh, his toes, his outlook on life. I like that we share no responsibilities together. I like the chemical high I get from it. I know it can't last much longer, but in the meantime it is sweet.

Anonymous wrote:I didn't plan to have one...but a colleague and I weren't having our needs met at home. It just works.

+1. Its not that complicated. Mostly sex.

Anonymous wrote:Some people want sexual variety. Some people don't see their spouse or SO as something that they own and have exclusive rights to. Some people view sex as just a physical thing and not at all comparable to their love relationship with their spouse and SO.

I do not have an AP, don't want one, but I am able to look at it as more than cheating = bad person.

l

It is not cheating if both spouses agree to it. It is cheating if it is kept a secret from ones spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more respect for the person willing to live and admit that monogogamy just doesn't work. It never has, that's why porn, hookers, erotic romance novels and APs exist on fringe.

Monogamy was born out of maintaining generational family wealth and had nothing to do with base sexual desires. It was making sure the baby mamma had your baby.

Agree. I'm a woman in her early 50s and I realized within two years of being married that monogamy was not realistic for the long haul for people with normal sex drives. I do have an AP.

Exactly +1

Me too. Very early on I told my husband if he ever cheated just don't tell me about it. I don't cate, I don't want to know.

Same here. Just use protection.

I didn't plan to have one...but a colleague and I weren't having our needs met at home. It just works.

^^ probably for the same reason you don't want your monogamous DH explaining who he's imagining inserting his P into while with you tonight. Some things are just best kept private.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more respect for the person willing to live and admit that monogogamy just doesn't work. It never has, that's why porn, hookers, erotic romance novels and APs exist on fringe.

Monogamy was born out of maintaining generational family wealth and had nothing to do with base sexual desires. It was making sure the baby mamma had your baby.

Agree. I'm a woman in her early 50s and I realized within two years of being married that monogamy was not realistic for the long haul for people with normal sex drives. I do have an AP.

Exactly +1

Me too. Very early on I told my husband if he ever cheated just don't tell me about it. I don't cate, I don't want to know.

WOW
If you don't care, why would you care if he told you?

Anonymous wrote:No. I am a happy person and I don't need extrinsic validation to complete myself.

+1

And I'm just rolling my eyes at the idea that high sex drive = monogamy is unrealistic. If you have a high sex drive, you'd just fuck your SO more. You have affairs because you're fundamentally insecure either in your marriage or with yourself...or both.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more respect for the person willing to live and admit that monogogamy just doesn't work. It never has, that's why porn, hookers, erotic romance novels and APs exist on fringe.

Monogamy was born out of maintaining generational family wealth and had nothing to do with base sexual desires. It was making sure the baby mamma had your baby.

Agree. I'm a woman in her early 50s and I realized within two years of being married that monogamy was not realistic for the long haul for people with normal sex drives. I do have an AP.

Exactly +1

Me too. Very early on I told my husband if he ever cheated just don't tell me about it. I don't cate, I don't want to know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love the attention and I love the sex

Ego

No, it's the Id overriding Ego.

Flybynight wrote:I've noticed a lot of references to APs in the threads. Just curious what motivated your decision? Did you pursue the AP, or did they pursue you? A friend recently admitted to me that he has an AP, but also says that he is perfectly happy every area of his relationship with his husband? I find this odd. I can understand if there were problems or sexual incompatibility.

Yes. It wasn't a conscious decision to find an AP. We were good friends and it turned into more...

Anonymous wrote:I love the attention and I love the sex

Ego

I love the attention and I love the sex

No. I am a happy person and I don't need extrinsic validation to complete myself.