Anonymous wrote:My FIL was the same way. I was supportive of DH until FIL totally went over the line and DH decided that's it and cut both FIL and MIL out of our lives. DH was okay with MIL but felt MIL enabled many of FIL's behaviors and therefore, decided to cut both out our lives. It's still a sensitive subject for him but he says he is glad he did this.

I feel like I wrote this. Wow.

We haven't seen the inlaws in 4years because they were so nasty during the last visit (mainly the FIL).

I limit my time with my ILs, but I allow my kids to see them a little more often. The kids don't generally enjoy it (because one is a major a-hole and the other is an enabler) so my DH doesn't push for them to see the ILs more often.

Anonymous wrote:My advice, don't tell Father in law you're not seeing him. But come up with your legitimate reasons for not doing so. Sorry gramps, not today. Gotta wash my hair.

Agree! If it's a lunch, is your DH willing to go on his own? When you are seeing FIL, can you make it a bigger event? If it's a holiday or other get-together at your house, invite enough people to provide a buffer.

My FIL was the same way. I was supportive of DH until FIL totally went over the line and DH decided that's it and cut both FIL and MIL out of our lives. DH was okay with MIL but felt MIL enabled many of FIL's behaviors and therefore, decided to cut both out our lives. It's still a sensitive subject for him but he says he is glad he did this.

Anonymous wrote:My advice, don't tell Father in law you're not seeing him. But come up with your legitimate reasons for not doing so. Sorry gramps, not today. Gotta wash my hair.

I agree with this. But, I'll add that I think you need to discuss this with a relationship counselor. Even though you wouldn't be forbidding your kids to see their grandfather, it's likely you or your DH will become resentful. It's also likely that you will come under pressure when there's a milestone/special event to suck it up and visit ILs or allow them to visit you. At least that's my experience.

My MIL/FIL were nice. It was the extended family that was so problematic. We'd gone to counseling over it but didn't really resolve the issue other than to get an agreement that I wouldn't have to go to any event where his extended family was present. He was welcome to take the kids but I wouldn't go. It worked for a while but as the kids got older, they started asking why I didn't go. We were able to make inane excuses for a while but then they realized something was off. I was also getting pressure to invite extended family to milestone events. It ended up causing problems between DH and I and back to counseling we went.

In the end, DH had to call his family on their shitty behavior. They extended an olive branch - which I accepted. In the end, most of them behaved themselves. Those that didn't, DH cut off. I still don't like them but as long as they're civil, they'll have a relationship with my DH and our kids.

My advice, don't tell Father in law you're not seeing him. But come up with your legitimate reasons for not doing so. Sorry gramps, not today. Gotta wash my hair.

You can choose not to see them.

As for the kids , for me that would depend on their ages.

You can choose to not see them. You cannot force your will on your spouse or kids.

Agree with him on a certain number of days you will spend with the person, and let him choose the days.

Anonymous wrote:Remove "cut out of your life" from your vocabulary and you will be a better, happier person.

How about you see them much less?

That would be what I do. I am not going to make a big production out of it. Just stop seeing him.