OP, I have found suicidal ideation is more of an escape fantasy. Talk to a counselor.

PS much better for her to have unmarried parents than a deceased mom. She needs you OP.

Anonymous wrote:50% time is better for your daughter than 0 time with you. Leave.

You didn't say why your relationship is terrible, but if it's abusive the depression won't get better until the abuser is gone from (most of) your life.

Don't give up, call a therapist. Also the hotlines below if you can't.

Suicide hotline: 800-273-8255

Domestic violence hotline: http://www.thehotline.org 800-799-7233

Please call and talk to someone. The people on the other end of these hotlines care, and are there to listen and help.

This. I was you on April 8, 2014. I thought it would be easier for the kids if there was one quick blow than the trauma of the divorce. And the thing is on any other day I knew better. My plan was foiled and, 2.5 years later, I am divorced and am now dating a very nice man and so much happier. The divorce was not as bad as I feared. Luckily, you are not even married yet. I promise you, from one who has been there, it will get better. You need more meds and to get as much help from friends and family as you can. And I know, I know, I know you may not want to go check yourself in, but honestly, going to the ER may save you some of the months where I floundered silently. Please think about it.

Your daughter needs YOU, even if you do get divorced. She needs in any way, shape or form you can be there.

OP, you are not thinking clearly at all, this is classic depression. You haven't found the right answer for it yet, but it is out there and there is a beautiful life in front of you. Yeah, I know you feel like this cannot be true for you, and the pain you are in is tremendous. But do not leave a legacy of pain for others.

Call suicide prevention, go to the OR, your daughter's father can care for her if need be, call in family if you can, find the way out of the maze. there is help for you. you need better medication, intensive individual therapy. Do not get married in October. Your child will be fine with separated parents--but she needs you around. and you need to find a way back to loving yourself. you are worthy and lovable.

0P: I hear you. I've been there before, and I know one thing for sure: Your daughter loves you. She needs you. She needs you to get help. Getting help will feel much better not worse, and will be easier than you think. Please stay in touch, we're all thinking of you and sending you our love and strength to keep you going when your own seems to falter.

Please don't do this to your innocent DD. You wouldn't just be leaving her without her mother at age 2. You would be leaving her without her mother at every... single...stage of her life.... FOREVER.

On her first day of kindergarten she won't have you to keep her calm and be proud of her on that big day.. She won't have you to go to when friends hurt her feelings. She won't be able to show you that she can ride a bike, recite her ABCs, write her name, swim with her head under water, draw, paint, dance. High school will be even harder for her...she won't have you there to guide her through adolescence. Her first breakup...she won't have you there to support her.

If she battles depression one day, she will not have you to go to and she will most DEFINITELY not have an example that depression is treatable and her mom struggled but survived with it. And if her father dies someday, (what happens if she's young when he passes?) she will truly be completely and utterly ALONE IN THIS WORLD.

STAY ALIVE. Call your do for today. Don't leave this world and leave your daughter to internalize forever your pain.

Get a good night's sleep, OP.

She would blame herself if you took your life. You would destroy her life.

Thank you PPs. Will update in the morning. Appreciate the support very much. -op

OP, your daughter needs you. She knows you, she loves you more deeply than anyone else in this world, and she will be devastated if you are gone. I know a child who lost his father at 2.5 years old and at 4.5 it is clear he is in severe emotional pain.

Please please please listen to the other posters. Call the Suicide Hotline tonight if you need immediate help. Call your doctor in the morning. You need to stay on this earth. We are all rooting for you.

OP please - stay here for your daughter. She absolutely needs you - even if you are not perfect - your presence is SO important. Please.

OP, your daughter needs you. One day at a time.

OP, please come back and update us. Tomorrow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as someone who lost her mom young, the death of your mother is a mindfuck you never get over. Bad enough when it happens through illness or accident, but choosing to die and leave your daughter motherless will plague her forever. Don't do it. I beg you.

+1 She will never get over it. I'm so sorry you are in such pain, OP. Your DD is much better off with you.

+1 My MIL's father committed suicide when she was only 3. She still got teary and all choked up when she told me about it in her 60's. This is a pain you don't get over. Please don't do that to your daughter. She needs YOU. Please, reach out and get the help you need.

I also suffer from depression and what I find helpful is to make no demands on myself beyond breathing and existing. When I have my son I also have to parent him but I don't hold myself to a high standard at those times; just watch TV together (Americas Funniest Videos is a slam dunk). I had the same in terms of a bad relationship and I divorced. However I subsequently realized that part of our problem was me not taking care of myself and demanding respect. Couples therapy is a hoax; you need individual therapy. You doubtless have low self-esteem and need to put yourself first. It may sound selfish but it is the only way to survive depression. You must meet your own needs first.

There is a psych ER place in Fairfax too if you want to talk to a doctor asap. I have felt that way where even the thought of my kids wasn't stopping me from feeling suicidal. What helped me was googling stories of girls whose moms had killed themselves. There are also studies of what happens to children of suicides. It makes them more likely to kill themselves when they grow up.

Also, if you've tried a bunch of different anti depressants and they're not working try quietapine or lithium. They're for bipolar but lithium made me stop feeling suicidal within about a week.

Good luck and don't feel bad. This isn't your fault.