Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 15:56     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Annual exams don't test for all stds btw. Ask for a full panel.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 15:55     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
You sound like an idiot. Obviously he was having an affair and she ditched him.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 15:53     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again: I got a message from the husband of a woman telling me my DH was having an affair and that my DH is a liar and a cheat.....but my DH told me the man was just psycho/making it up and that he hadn't had contact with the man's wife.........


Wow, wow wow - talk about burying the lead!
The man who called you was not psycho. He found out his wife was cheating and probably gave her an ultimatum. That's why the affair partner broke it off with your husband. The timing lines up perfectly with him "changing his mind" about the divorce.

The APs husband was doing you a courtesy by letting you know about the affair. Here's my question; what are you going to do next time when your husband is more careful about getting caught and finds someone willing to leave their spouse for him? You already have confirmation that he's ready and willing to divorce you as soon as someone better comes along...
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 15:49     Subject: Re:husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
I can't believe this wasn't totally obvious to you or that you believed him that some strange psycho man just found you out of the clear blue sky to lie about his wife having an affair with your husband.


Right!
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 15:35     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Anonymous wrote:
DiverDown wrote:His gf broke up with him


Yep.


Sorry OP, but this seems likely. I hope we are wrong.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 15:34     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Smells like a troll post......how convenient some guy calls her up and says her DH is banging his wife.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 14:55     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks all. It honestly never occurred to me that the breakup of an AP could have triggered his sudden desire for a divorce.......

We were having fairly regular sex the whole time over the time leading up to his divorce threats (like, twice a week or so)..... I've never denied him sex although in the past he's said he'd like more of it or that we weren't having enough of it (although sometimes when I tried to initiate he pushed me away).....

What are other clues I should be looking out for if there was an affair?

I've been tested for STDs (for regular annual) and am free of them.....


No. You have it backwards. The AP triggered him ASKING for the divorce. He had a fancy notion she was going to divorce and he was too and they would live happily ever after. Your update that her husband contacted you makes it pretty clear he found out, so she ended the affair, and with no AP to run off into the sunset with, you DH decided he was just going to stick around after all.

I can't believe this wasn't totally obvious to you or that you believed him that some strange psycho man just found you out of the clear blue sky to lie about his wife having an affair with your husband.
DiverDown
Post 08/27/2016 14:54     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again: I got a message from the husband of a woman telling me my DH was having an affair and that my DH is a liar and a cheat.....but my DH told me the man was just psycho/making it up and that he hadn't had contact with the man's wife.........


Um....... This sounds legit. Did you ask for proof/details?


By reconciling with him, she has let him off the hook for cheating (he would owe her more in a VA divorce bc of cheating) . She should have seen a lawyer along with the therapist
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 14:46     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
How old are your kids, op?
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 14:46     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone else. His behavior is so typical of someone having an affair and then having it end. As to whether you want to get to the bottom of it, I think that depends on what you want. If he was cheating, would you kick him to the curb, or would you want to reconcile? If you would leave, then by all means bring it up. Ask him straight out. If you'd rather reconcile, keep going to therapy and building your relationship up. Talk about your concerns there, in a setting where you can get some closure. I know people who have been in your position and for them, it seemed easier to focus on how to get to a good place rather than focusing on who did what to damage the relationship.


Thanks I want to keep the marriage together -- so it sounds like I should do therapy -- agree I need some closure on all of this. Ugh.


It's unlikely your husband will admit to it, especially given the lack of hard evidence you have. Also, I ain't think PPs were suggesting it was the breakup with his AP that caused him to want a divorce; rather he wanted a divorce while he was with AP and things were going well, and when they broke up he stopped the divorce talk because he then lacked the motivation that comes with other options.


Yep.

You are your husband's second choice, OP.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 14:44     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
I would contact the other husband for more specifics/ evidence then decide how to proceed.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 14:34     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone else. His behavior is so typical of someone having an affair and then having it end. As to whether you want to get to the bottom of it, I think that depends on what you want. If he was cheating, would you kick him to the curb, or would you want to reconcile? If you would leave, then by all means bring it up. Ask him straight out. If you'd rather reconcile, keep going to therapy and building your relationship up. Talk about your concerns there, in a setting where you can get some closure. I know people who have been in your position and for them, it seemed easier to focus on how to get to a good place rather than focusing on who did what to damage the relationship.


Thanks I want to keep the marriage together -- so it sounds like I should do therapy -- agree I need some closure on all of this. Ugh.


It's unlikely your husband will admit to it, especially given the lack of hard evidence you have. Also, I ain't think PPs were suggesting it was the breakup with his AP that caused him to want a divorce; rather he wanted a divorce while he was with AP and things were going well, and when they broke up he stopped the divorce talk because he then lacked the motivation that comes with other options.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 14:34     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Anonymous wrote:OP again: I got a message from the husband of a woman telling me my DH was having an affair and that my DH is a liar and a cheat.....but my DH told me the man was just psycho/making it up and that he hadn't had contact with the man's wife.........


Yeah, your husband is a cheater.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 14:32     Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Anonymous wrote:OP again: I got a message from the husband of a woman telling me my DH was having an affair and that my DH is a liar and a cheat.....but my DH told me the man was just psycho/making it up and that he hadn't had contact with the man's wife.........


Um....... This sounds legit. Did you ask for proof/details?
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2016 14:29     Subject: Re:husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
really? "so typical" of a man having an affair? I thought the refrain from DCUMS was "married men never leave their wives..."

So... which is it? married men get an AP then decide to leave their wives OR married men get an AP and never leave their wives?

If a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds (Emerson) I wonder what the inconsistency on DCUM is.