Anonymous wrote:

ThatBetch wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ThatBetch wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're already on the brink of divorce, why bring another child into the world?

When you're finished with your crystal ball, may I borrow it?

NP. You made it happily through however many years it takes to have three kids, but somehow things got that bad that fast? It's surprising.

Have you heard the one about the boiled frog?

Maybe, to an outsider, it's easy to spot abuse. To the person dealing with it, while also dealing with young children, a job, a household to manage, etc., it can be a bit less obvious. If he had started with level 10 abuse, like it was when it ended, it would've been a much shorter relationship. But that's not always how abuse works.

In the beginning, I thought I was overreacting, having trouble adjusting to married life, sleep-deprived because of the new baby, grieving the miscarriage(s), stressed from starting the new business, etc. There were plenty of "real life" excuses for why I might've been so exhausted, and second-guessing myself is a skill I brought to my marriage. Being a flawed human, I have my own insecurities, anxieties, etc. and I'm a decent enough person that I'd sooner admit those traits and fault myself than blame my partner. He claimed to love me. He said he was sorry. He promised he'd work on it...

It took years of unpacking to get to the heart of how messed up the dynamic was between us. I know some people think that SAH parents just sit around eating chips all day, but my experience was not nearly so leisurely. I didn't exactly have uninterrupted hours for navel-gazing and pondering the mess I was in. I had kids to parent, a home to manage, and a new business to try to get of the ground.

So no, it wasn't that it "got that bad that fast." It's that it takes time to see that the person claiming to love you doesn't, time to convince yourself that it's them and not you, and time to gather enough self-worth and trust to believe you'll be okay on your own (even more difficult if you've been isolated, at home, from support, and are financially dependent on your abuser).

Can you elaborate on how he was a using you ? Physical ? Emotional ?

I can sum up: He's a covert narcissist. On the surface, he seems like "such a nice guy". Hell, I dated and ultimately married him because he was so nice to me! But he wanted everything to be all about him. Anything I'd say about my thoughts/needs/feelings/wants/perspective was dismissed, derided, mocked, forgotten, etc. As long as I did everything and made him look/feel good, he was "happy" (in quotes, because I've come to believe he has very strange connections to his feelings, if he can even connect to them at all). But he had total control of our whole marriage. My being at-home and the full-time parent meant he had financial control from the start, and he used/abused that privilege (economic abuse is a very real thing). It also meant that it was very easy to keep me isolated and exhausted, doing 100% of the domestic work all the time while he went out, watched sports, etc. And any time I'd try to push back, or arrange to go out for myself, he'd sabotage my efforts, but it was subtle. He'd say things like "I thought you enjoyed doing all the laundry", which is nonsense on its face, but then even when I said I didn't, and that I needed some help, he didn't for years. He'd "accidentally" forget I had made plans, or would ask me to do multiple other tasks that sapped me of any energy I might've had to go out (which, with a newborn, was a tall order to begin with). He led me to believe that I was crazy, that it was my mental shortcomings/problems that created this dynamic, not his total selfishness and complete lack of supportive partnership behavior. And when I started to realize this, he'd tell me I was overreacting, being shrill, being a nag, not giving him enough space. He would deprive me of intimacy/affection, but then claim I wasn't affectionate enough with him. He had multiple affairs. He allowed other people to abuse me. He abused me, but now goes around telling people that *I* was the abuser, and he's the victim.

It's tough. It took me a decade to fully pierce the veil of "nice guy" he can put on. Of course, once I started to fight back and stand up for myself, he used that as evidence that I was the toxic party and mean and the problem... Now he claims really into social justice, the ethical society, non-violent communication and women's rights and stuff, even though he doesn't see his kids or even pretend to be a decent dad. He has basically quit our whole life and gone off to start a separate one. Like a new game. It's a horrible mind game, and really destabilizing, even still.

I just put my head down, work as hard as I can to keep his crazy away from my daughters, and grind so that I can have my independence and freedom from him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it takes me a long time to find a job, how do I move out? We have one child.

You stay until you find the job. It isn't ideal but that's reality. Highly doubtful he will move out and pay for wherever you are living, so you find a job, then a place to live and tell him your plan.

Unless you or your kids are in danger, it may not be a good idea to move out of the house. Talk to your attorney. This is almost always bad advice. It's also often better to wait until after the divorce to get a job. Again, your attorney should be the only one giving you advise.

Well unless she can afford the mortgage at some point she is going to have to move. And waiting to get a job is just going to screw her. Very few people get spousal support these days so she will end up divorced with no income. With kids it takes a year to divorce in Virginia. She needs a job.

In no state is the divorce final until you've agreed how to split the assets, which probably include a house and pension(s) and very likely include more assets. The division is often 50-50 but that's not automatic; there has to be agreement on this. So the divorce won't be final after a year unless you really wrap things up quickly.

Also, lots of people get spousal support. If the non-custodial parent has a higher income, he or she is going going to be giving child support to the custodial parent. Even if custody is split and one parent has a higher income, the higher earning ex-spouse is probably going to be paying child support to the lower income parent. In Maryland at least (don't know about VA) you can make a case for maintaining the house until the kids turn 18 and, depending on your income from your new job, he's going to have to contribute some or a lot of this. He can't force a sale until the youngest has turned 18 (again in MD). I know several women who have versions of this arrangement, or had it until the kids turn 18. You have to be willing to maintain the house on your own, though, in terms of letting the plumber in the door and so on, although again your ex will need to share the plumbing bill.

But talk to your attorney, don't listen to us randos on DCUM. Our suggestions should probably give you an idea of what questions to ask, but not more.

This is an upper middle class result.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it takes me a long time to find a job, how do I move out? We have one child.

You stay until you find the job. It isn't ideal but that's reality. Highly doubtful he will move out and pay for wherever you are living, so you find a job, then a place to live and tell him your plan.

Unless you or your kids are in danger, it may not be a good idea to move out of the house. Talk to your attorney. This is almost always bad advice. It's also often better to wait until after the divorce to get a job. Again, your attorney should be the only one giving you advise.

Well unless she can afford the mortgage at some point she is going to have to move. And waiting to get a job is just going to screw her. Very few people get spousal support these days so she will end up divorced with no income. With kids it takes a year to divorce in Virginia. She needs a job.

In no state is the divorce final until you've agreed how to split the assets, which probably include a house and pension(s) and very likely include more assets. The division is often 50-50 but that's not automatic; there has to be agreement on this. So the divorce won't be final after a year unless you really wrap things up quickly.

Also, lots of people get spousal support. If the non-custodial parent has a higher income, he or she is going going to be giving child support to the custodial parent. Even if custody is split and one parent has a higher income, the higher earning ex-spouse is probably going to be paying child support to the lower income parent. In Maryland at least (don't know about VA) you can make a case for maintaining the house until the kids turn 18 and, depending on your income from your new job, he's going to have to contribute some or a lot of this. He can't force a sale until the youngest has turned 18 (again in MD). I know several women who have versions of this arrangement, or had it until the kids turn 18. You have to be willing to maintain the house on your own, though, in terms of letting the plumber in the door and so on, although again your ex will need to share the plumbing bill.

But talk to your attorney, don't listen to us randos on DCUM. Our suggestions should probably give you an idea of what questions to ask, but not more.

Hard.

Was home for 15years. I gothink a job in retail, as the world has passed me by while I was raising our kids. Rented a townhouse and sub let the basement for extra money. In the meantime, exDH was supposed to pay support, but lost his job and sank into a deep depression and never recovered. He could no longer pay and was living with family. He basically abandoned us. I sued him over and over in court, but you can't get blood from a rock. Rather than throw him in jail, which could have easily happened, but would have done nothing to improve my situation, I just trudged forward on $12/hr and 3 teens. My kids all got jobs, because that was the only way they could get clothes or basically anything, including school supplies. We banned together. It was awful.

Luckily I ended up remarried to someone who is well off because I maintained my looks. It's shameful, but that's what happened and once again I'm dependent. Nobody will admit to it, but there are many women out there just like me. It's not pretty. If I could tell my 23yr old self something, I'd tell her to have kept working and NEVER depend on someone else. I'd tell her to do it for her kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it takes me a long time to find a job, how do I move out? We have one child.

You stay until you find the job. It isn't ideal but that's reality. Highly doubtful he will move out and pay for wherever you are living, so you find a job, then a place to live and tell him your plan.

Unless you or your kids are in danger, it may not be a good idea to move out of the house. Talk to your attorney. This is almost always bad advice. It's also often better to wait until after the divorce to get a job. Again, your attorney should be the only one giving you advise.

Well unless she can afford the mortgage at some point she is going to have to move. And waiting to get a job is just going to screw her. Very few people get spousal support these days so she will end up divorced with no income. With kids it takes a year to divorce in Virginia. She needs a job.

Anonymous wrote:I was a lazy and selfish DW. I had a child and told my DH that I needed some time off. I kept stalling and stalling, and did everything I could to not to return to work. When DH's complaining got loud enough -- I started pretending to look for a job. When he told me he had talked to a lawyer, then I started looking for real. When he served me with divorce papers -- I felt bad about being a lazy and selfish DW.

Hi troll.

I was a lazy and selfish DW. I had a child and told my DH that I needed some time off. I kept stalling and stalling, and did everything I could to not to return to work. When DH's complaining got loud enough -- I started pretending to look for a job. When he told me he had talked to a lawyer, then I started looking for real. When he served me with divorce papers -- I felt bad about being a lazy and selfish DW.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ThatBetch wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're already on the brink of divorce, why bring another child into the world?

When you're finished with your crystal ball, may I borrow it?

You don't go from happy to divorced in 15 months, in the afterglow of pregnancy and new baby.

Nap here. Afterglow? Pregnancy and the newborn phase were the absolute worst times in my marriage and my husband emotionally abandoned me. I don't think that's too uncommon. Many marriages don't survive.

No kidding. Afterglow? Try the deep dark nashing of teeth time. The upside down realm from Stranger Things. The afterburn - maybe.

ThatBetch wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ThatBetch wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're already on the brink of divorce, why bring another child into the world?

When you're finished with your crystal ball, may I borrow it?

NP. You made it happily through however many years it takes to have three kids, but somehow things got that bad that fast? It's surprising.

Have you heard the one about the boiled frog?

Maybe, to an outsider, it's easy to spot abuse. To the person dealing with it, while also dealing with young children, a job, a household to manage, etc., it can be a bit less obvious. If he had started with level 10 abuse, like it was when it ended, it would've been a much shorter relationship. But that's not always how abuse works.

In the beginning, I thought I was overreacting, having trouble adjusting to married life, sleep-deprived because of the new baby, grieving the miscarriage(s), stressed from starting the new business, etc. There were plenty of "real life" excuses for why I might've been so exhausted, and second-guessing myself is a skill I brought to my marriage. Being a flawed human, I have my own insecurities, anxieties, etc. and I'm a decent enough person that I'd sooner admit those traits and fault myself than blame my partner. He claimed to love me. He said he was sorry. He promised he'd work on it...

It took years of unpacking to get to the heart of how messed up the dynamic was between us. I know some people think that SAH parents just sit around eating chips all day, but my experience was not nearly so leisurely. I didn't exactly have uninterrupted hours for navel-gazing and pondering the mess I was in. I had kids to parent, a home to manage, and a new business to try to get of the ground.

So no, it wasn't that it "got that bad that fast." It's that it takes time to see that the person claiming to love you doesn't, time to convince yourself that it's them and not you, and time to gather enough self-worth and trust to believe you'll be okay on your own (even more difficult if you've been isolated, at home, from support, and are financially dependent on your abuser).

Can you elaborate on how he was a using you ? Physical ? Emotional ?

Anonymous wrote:

ThatBetch wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're already on the brink of divorce, why bring another child into the world?

When you're finished with your crystal ball, may I borrow it?

You don't go from happy to divorced in 15 months, in the afterglow of pregnancy and new baby.

Afterglow?? NP here, but that sure doesn't describe the period after either of my children's births, unfortunately. I'm married but those births rocked my marriage-and not in a good way.

OP, what is your education/field/career background? Do you have your own credit/bank account/savings? How prepared are you?

OP, do you have your own bank account and access to credit? If I were you, while looking for a new job, I would also get your finances in order. Your own acct w enough money in it to get a place, down payment, pay utilities, etc. if needed. Also make sure you have credit you can access in case of emergency.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it takes me a long time to find a job, how do I move out? We have one child.

You stay until you find the job. It isn't ideal but that's reality. Highly doubtful he will move out and pay for wherever you are living, so you find a job, then a place to live and tell him your plan.

Unless you or your kids are in danger, it may not be a good idea to move out of the house. Talk to your attorney. This is almost always bad advice. It's also often better to wait until after the divorce to get a job. Again, your attorney should be the only one giving you advise.

I went out and got a job after not working for a decade. It took me less than a month. I had done some freelance work, and I had some very strong references who were really willing to go out on a limb for me. People will do that if you were a good worker and frankly if they feel sorry for you (divorce). They want to help.

It's a lot to juggle, but I manage to do it. I'm the happiest I've been in so long now. I didn't think it was possible. In fact, I thought I would die during the divorce - it was so traumatic and scary and sad. But time and hard work and community and family can heal anything.

I'm a mom first, working second, divorced third. I hardly think about it now.

Anonymous wrote:

ThatBetch wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're already on the brink of divorce, why bring another child into the world?

When you're finished with your crystal ball, may I borrow it?

You don't go from happy to divorced in 15 months, in the afterglow of pregnancy and new baby.

Nap here. Afterglow? Pregnancy and the newborn phase were the absolute worst times in my marriage and my husband emotionally abandoned me. I don't think that's too uncommon. Many marriages don't survive.