Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 09:03     Subject: Ideas how to make amends
Anonymous wrote:OP, you are truly not getting it, and are just offering excuses. "I was resentful because I was helping out so much." "I was trying to support her by doing overnight wake ups."

You are an equal partner in this relationship, and in parenting. You are not 'helping out.' You are not 'supporting her.' You are supposed to be a parent - which means waking up with your kid. Which means cleaning the house after your wife grew and pushed out a human. These are things that you just do - these are not grand gestures.

If I were your wife, and these were the excuses you were giving me, I'd divorce you SO fast.


Yeah, that's a load of horse shit. Parenting and marriage is not 50-50. That's divorce. Marriage and parenting is 100% all the time. DW and I just did what needed to be done when it needed to be done without worrying over whose turn it was or how much the other person had been doing. Of course there where days when I came home from work and she handed DC to me and said, "I need a break." That's just the way it is. Having kids means neither the mom or the dad is number 1 in their spouse's eyes for a few years.

Resentful for helping out? "Supporting" her by doing what you're supposed to be doing? What do you want, a fucking cookie? (reminds me of a Chris Rock stand up a long time ago)
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:58     Subject: Ideas how to make amends
OP, you are truly not getting it, and are just offering excuses. "I was resentful because I was helping out so much." "I was trying to support her by doing overnight wake ups."

You are an equal partner in this relationship, and in parenting. You are not 'helping out.' You are not 'supporting her.' You are supposed to be a parent - which means waking up with your kid. Which means cleaning the house after your wife grew and pushed out a human. These are things that you just do - these are not grand gestures.

If I were your wife, and these were the excuses you were giving me, I'd divorce you SO fast.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:50     Subject: Re:Ideas how to make amends
When did you get caught, it sounds like you got caught less than a month ago.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:50     Subject: Ideas how to make amends
You will never have the relationship you could have had. She will always feel pain about this and that resentment will always be there.

I had a phone/text relationship (strictly platonic) with a girl from HS after I found out that my dw was having a fb fling with an old lover from HS. I just wanted someone to talk to about my life. Very wussy idea and I'm ashamed I did it.

I told my dw about it when we had mended a bunch of problems. She went ballistic. Eight years later she still holds it against me while claiming that I'm the one that pushed her to have an online affair with the old lover.

I should have cut my losses and worked out co-parenting and separate houses back then. BTW we didn't have a newborn, but that doesn't really make a difference. We did have tween kids.

Turns out that what is good for the goose isn't good for the gander!

So now when she starts in on it, I just meet my fwb the next day and have some good relaxing no guilt happy sex.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:50     Subject: Ideas how to make amends
Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your shoes not too long ago. I essentially did the same thing, even though I love my spouse very much. I had a weakness with this one person from my past who I should never have allowed back into my life, even as a friend. It took a good three months until we weren't talking about it and shedding tears about it every day. My spouse never wanted out of the marriage over it, though, that I know of.

What helped was for me to offer complete transparency, which I continued to do to this day, about 9 months later. I also answered all questions openly, honestly, and without being upset that the questions were asked in the first place. I think it also helped that my spouse saw how upset I was, saw the regret and shame I felt. I also went into counseling, which we are now doing together.

It sounds like the difference for you is that your spouse does not seem to want to work on the marriage. Is that true? Are there other major issues within your marriage that you have not mentioned? For us--and I know some people will call BS on this -- but we were actually pretty happy before this happened. Not perfect, but happy and in a loving marriage. What's your history?

If you're both willing to work on the marriage, to express yourselves openly, and to show vulnerabilities, you can heal from this. Dig deeper in order to get to know each other more. Just a short 9 months later my spouse and I are doing so much better, but we have both worked for it.


He won't even admit it was cheating.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:49     Subject: Ideas how to make amends
Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your shoes not too long ago. I essentially did the same thing, even though I love my spouse very much. I had a weakness with this one person from my past who I should never have allowed back into my life, even as a friend. It took a good three months until we weren't talking about it and shedding tears about it every day. My spouse never wanted out of the marriage over it, though, that I know of.

What helped was for me to offer complete transparency, which I continued to do to this day, about 9 months later. I also answered all questions openly, honestly, and without being upset that the questions were asked in the first place. I think it also helped that my spouse saw how upset I was, saw the regret and shame I felt. I also went into counseling, which we are now doing together.

It sounds like the difference for you is that your spouse does not seem to want to work on the marriage. Is that true? Are there other major issues within your marriage that you have not mentioned? For us--and I know some people will call BS on this -- but we were actually pretty happy before this happened. Not perfect, but happy and in a loving marriage. What's your history?

If you're both willing to work on the marriage, to express yourselves openly, and to show vulnerabilities, you can heal from this. Dig deeper in order to get to know each other more. Just a short 9 months later my spouse and I are doing so much better, but we have both worked for it.


+1 nice job. This isn't easy.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:48     Subject: Re:Ideas how to make amends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have no advice - other than to say that wife's reaction, while understandably emotional, seems a bit of an overreaction. Is the marriage overall a good one? Is this really a one-off of flirting with an old flame during what is the toughest months of a marriage where spouses are, through no ones fault, neglecting each other?

If your wife has that thin of a hair trigger to divorce in a good marriage, it sounds like counselling is needed both for your actions and for her reaction.


+1 Did she literally just find out? i agree that you were being a bonehead, but I'm surprised her primary reaction is that she wants out. Obviously there were issues that pre-dated your flirtation.



This. There was something wrong under the surface before all of this. Maybe it is partly feeling overwhelmed by the child-rearing but clearly something was already off. Your wife needs to do her own introspection to find out what that was, perhaps with the help of a counselor. But if she thinks "getting out" is the answer, leaving her as a single parent with a toddler, she hasn't thought that through completely either....


I disagree. She does not believe that it was not physical and since woman can now support themselves, they are not staying with a cheater, they can and will get out. She figures she is still young and cute enough to find real husband.


The ex has a family and lives on the 1000s of miles away. Neither one of us had an intention of taking it further than some flirtation and ego boosting. I know what I did was in the grey, but does this make me a complete cheater?


Yes. It does.

http://marriagebuilders.com/index.html

Really, how old are you? 23?
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:46     Subject: Ideas how to make amends
OP, I was in your shoes not too long ago. I essentially did the same thing, even though I love my spouse very much. I had a weakness with this one person from my past who I should never have allowed back into my life, even as a friend. It took a good three months until we weren't talking about it and shedding tears about it every day. My spouse never wanted out of the marriage over it, though, that I know of.

What helped was for me to offer complete transparency, which I continued to do to this day, about 9 months later. I also answered all questions openly, honestly, and without being upset that the questions were asked in the first place. I think it also helped that my spouse saw how upset I was, saw the regret and shame I felt. I also went into counseling, which we are now doing together.

It sounds like the difference for you is that your spouse does not seem to want to work on the marriage. Is that true? Are there other major issues within your marriage that you have not mentioned? For us--and I know some people will call BS on this -- but we were actually pretty happy before this happened. Not perfect, but happy and in a loving marriage. What's your history?

If you're both willing to work on the marriage, to express yourselves openly, and to show vulnerabilities, you can heal from this. Dig deeper in order to get to know each other more. Just a short 9 months later my spouse and I are doing so much better, but we have both worked for it.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:44     Subject: Re:Ideas how to make amends
Anonymous wrote:

The ex has a family and lives on the 1000s of miles away. Neither one of us had an intention of taking it further than some flirtation and ego boosting. I know what I did was in the grey, but does this make me a complete cheater?


I would generally say no, especially since you cut it off immediately and want to make amends, and are really working to put this right by supporting your wife, doing therapy, etc.

BUT I think this type of question depends upon your frame of mind. If she had been closer would it have gone further?
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:36     Subject: Re:Ideas how to make amends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have no advice - other than to say that wife's reaction, while understandably emotional, seems a bit of an overreaction. Is the marriage overall a good one? Is this really a one-off of flirting with an old flame during what is the toughest months of a marriage where spouses are, through no ones fault, neglecting each other?

If your wife has that thin of a hair trigger to divorce in a good marriage, it sounds like counselling is needed both for your actions and for her reaction.


+1 Did she literally just find out? i agree that you were being a bonehead, but I'm surprised her primary reaction is that she wants out. Obviously there were issues that pre-dated your flirtation.



This. There was something wrong under the surface before all of this. Maybe it is partly feeling overwhelmed by the child-rearing but clearly something was already off. Your wife needs to do her own introspection to find out what that was, perhaps with the help of a counselor. But if she thinks "getting out" is the answer, leaving her as a single parent with a toddler, she hasn't thought that through completely either....


I disagree. She does not believe that it was not physical and since woman can now support themselves, they are not staying with a cheater, they can and will get out. She figures she is still young and cute enough to find real husband.


The ex has a family and lives on the 1000s of miles away. Neither one of us had an intention of taking it further than some flirtation and ego boosting. I know what I did was in the grey, but does this make me a complete cheater?
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:27     Subject: Ideas how to make amends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Delete the other woman's info, get rid of the texts, be completely open in terms of letting your wife see your phone, your texts, emails, etc. Don't ever say "I'm going out" but be specific and let her know where you're going.

Basically, be HONEST and TRANSPARENT. Be patient.


All thie ^^^
Making amends after 7 months of texting & flirting with an ex is going to take time. A lot of time. Keep being there for her.

I like that you are going to therapy. That will help.

How about you ask your wife what she wants to see from you?


I already did and she doesn't want to feel like she has to tell me how to make amends. I should already know how and it has to be my own ideas. I am stuck here other than setting up date nights or a weekend trip. I'm not winning any points for the day to day help that makes her life easier.


So she expects you to be a mind reader? That's helpful.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:25     Subject: Ideas how to make amends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Delete the other woman's info, get rid of the texts, be completely open in terms of letting your wife see your phone, your texts, emails, etc. Don't ever say "I'm going out" but be specific and let her know where you're going.

Basically, be HONEST and TRANSPARENT. Be patient.


All thie ^^^
Making amends after 7 months of texting & flirting with an ex is going to take time. A lot of time. Keep being there for her.

I like that you are going to therapy. That will help.

How about you ask your wife what she wants to see from you?


I already did and she doesn't want to feel like she has to tell me how to make amends. I should already know how and it has to be my own ideas. I am stuck here other than setting up date nights or a weekend trip. I'm not winning any points for the day to day help that makes her life easier.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:23     Subject: Ideas how to make amends
Op here. I know it was selfish of me and I am not here trying to justify or defend my actions. I know I hurt DW, destroyed her trust by hiding the conversations, turned some energy to someone else. I already removed all ways of communicating with the ex immediately and she can look at whatever my accounts she wants. This was a one time thing with the flirting and I wish I didn't allow myself to become vulnerable to it.

I had to convince her to go to counseling as she refused for weeks determined to handle her emotions herself. She knows how she feels, but thinks I don't truly love her. This she wants a divorce.

I know the first six months was tough and I'm not complaining about that. I tried to support her by taking the night shifts/early am, preparing/cleaning the bottles, diaper duty, preparing meals. I did let her know that I appreciated her and that she was a good mother. I just should have communicated how I felt about things instead of escaping to this distraction.

She is the one imposing the time limits, not me. I've been Patient with her and answered all her questions openly and honestly. I screwed up and feel terrible. Thus I am trying to make amends so that she isn't so quick to pull the trigger to get out.



Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:16     Subject: Re:Ideas how to make amends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have no advice - other than to say that wife's reaction, while understandably emotional, seems a bit of an overreaction. Is the marriage overall a good one? Is this really a one-off of flirting with an old flame during what is the toughest months of a marriage where spouses are, through no ones fault, neglecting each other?

If your wife has that thin of a hair trigger to divorce in a good marriage, it sounds like counselling is needed both for your actions and for her reaction.


+1 Did she literally just find out? i agree that you were being a bonehead, but I'm surprised her primary reaction is that she wants out. Obviously there were issues that pre-dated your flirtation.



This. There was something wrong under the surface before all of this. Maybe it is partly feeling overwhelmed by the child-rearing but clearly something was already off. Your wife needs to do her own introspection to find out what that was, perhaps with the help of a counselor. But if she thinks "getting out" is the answer, leaving her as a single parent with a toddler, she hasn't thought that through completely either....


I disagree. She does not believe that it was not physical and since woman can now support themselves, they are not staying with a cheater, they can and will get out. She figures she is still young and cute enough to find real husband.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2016 08:15     Subject: Ideas how to make amends
Anonymous wrote:Delete the other woman's info, get rid of the texts, be completely open in terms of letting your wife see your phone, your texts, emails, etc. Don't ever say "I'm going out" but be specific and let her know where you're going.

Basically, be HONEST and TRANSPARENT. Be patient.


All thie ^^^
Making amends after 7 months of texting & flirting with an ex is going to take time. A lot of time. Keep being there for her.

I like that you are going to therapy. That will help.

How about you ask your wife what she wants to see from you?