Anonymous
08/24/2016 10:12
Subject: Vacation with parents going badly
A vacation is really hard because it is just so much togetherness. My mom lives 10 minutes away from me and watches the kids for 2 hours after school 3 days a week. She has a great relationship with them in that context, but when we all went away together on a vacation, she got really annoyed with them after 3 days of nonstop togetherness and got cranky.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 10:05
Subject: Vacation with parents going badly
Anonymous wrote:Take the kids out. Tell them that your kids are out of sorts and it seems the noise is overwhelming for your parents. They don't owe babysitting and are clearly not going to give it so just make the best of it. Do something with your kids like you would have at home - take a walk, find a park or somewhere to explore.
This is what we do and it works.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 10:03
Subject: Vacation with parents going badly
Anonymous wrote:Take the kids out. Tell them that your kids are out of sorts and it seems the noise is overwhelming for your parents. They don't owe babysitting and are clearly not going to give it so just make the best of it. Do something with your kids like you would have at home - take a walk, find a park or somewhere to explore.
+1 Have your vacation with your kids. Don't let your parents discipline them and don't expect any babysitting.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 10:02
Subject: Vacation with parents going badly
They like the idea of being with the grandchildren, but not actually doing anything.
My parents are like that. They hear from their friends about going on vacation, living nearby, etc. and get jealous. And they do love my kid very much. But then when they visit, they have zero interest in actually doing anything with my kid and have unrealistic expectations regarding behavior. I have lowered my expectations accordingly and I don't engage whenever they bring up vacations, moving, etc.
1. No more vacations.
2. "Mom, Dad, we've discussed this before. We are not moving into town." Change subject.
Next time "Mom, Dad, we've discussed this before, we are not moving." Leave room.
My parents are like that. They hear from their friends about going on vacation, living nearby, etc. and get jealous. And they do love my kid very much. But then when they visit, they have zero interest in actually doing anything with my kid and have unrealistic expectations regarding behavior. I have lowered my expectations accordingly and I don't engage whenever they bring up vacations, moving, etc.
1. No more vacations.
2. "Mom, Dad, we've discussed this before. We are not moving into town." Change subject.
Next time "Mom, Dad, we've discussed this before, we are not moving." Leave room.
Anonymous
08/23/2016 20:13
Subject: Vacation with parents going badly
FINS2LAR wrote:I refuse to ever vacation with extended family again...
I don't even really want to vacation with friends again. I like to relax and don't want to be beholden to anyone else's desires. Eat out/stay in/go to bed early whatever. And I especially do t like meshing parenting styles. It never works.
FINS2LAR
08/23/2016 12:55
Subject: Vacation with parents going badly
I refuse to ever vacation with extended family again...
Anonymous
08/21/2016 20:08
Subject: Vacation with parents going badly
Take the kids out. Tell them that your kids are out of sorts and it seems the noise is overwhelming for your parents. They don't owe babysitting and are clearly not going to give it so just make the best of it. Do something with your kids like you would have at home - take a walk, find a park or somewhere to explore.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 19:42
Subject: Vacation with parents going badly
Anonymous wrote:+1Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:"Mom and Dad, if I watch the kids all morning so you can relax, and get them settled for naps, would you kindly watch them from 1-2 so that I could run down to those little shops in the village? I'll have my cell and can be back in 20 minutes if things go awry. Thanks so much!"
+ 1.
My parents and ILs love to be with the kids, and are very responsible about getting the needs of my kids met. Yet, both sets are also very much creatures of their routines because of their age and medical needs.
In the end, I have responsibility to raise my own kids and make them individuals that both set of parents would like to spend time with. I treat my parents and ILs with respect and love, and my kids have learned to do that too. In return, my kids get the love of their grandparents, and I get the much needed break and support when I need it.
Communication is the key. And parents need to understand that they are the primary caregiver of their kids. The grandparents will dictate the pace and nature of interaction.
It's all about communication, tone, and appreciation. They owe you no child care. It's a favor. Don't frame is as an expectation.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 19:40
Subject: Vacation with parents going badly
Anonymous wrote:
I learned the hard way that I cannot share living quarters with my parents anymore. They have become so closed up, introverted and anxious that they just can't handle so much togetherness, and become hypercritical and grumpy.
Say: "I'm taking a walk right now - look after the kids for me!". And go out.
No. That is ridiculous. The grandparents do not "owe" anyone free babysitting. It's a FAVOR. You ask nicely for favors.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 19:38
Subject: Vacation with parents going badly
I learned the hard way that I cannot share living quarters with my parents anymore. They have become so closed up, introverted and anxious that they just can't handle so much togetherness, and become hypercritical and grumpy.
Say: "I'm taking a walk right now - look after the kids for me!". And go out.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 19:31
Subject: Re:Vacation with parents going badly
I think a lot of grandparents can't bring themselves to admit that looking after small children after 55, and in some cases, like my own parents, after 65. It's out of their league. Unless they are in terrific shape and young at heart, watching small children for more than a few days is too much for them. My parents like to do long visits and insist on watching our preschooler and toddler. By the 4th day, my father looks exhausted.
I think some grandparents want to prove they can keep up with little kids, but it's simply too much. Once you see your kids' grandparents moving into "child raising" territory, i.e. reprimanding your kids, trying to make them do things, threatening them with some sort of punishment, it's pretty much over. My grandparents hardly ever disciplined me-- they'd visit on Sunday and leave after dinner. There was no opportunity for me and my sibings to act up.
Then again, we lived 20 minutes away from them so there was no reason have a visit that went more than an afternoon.
I think some grandparents want to prove they can keep up with little kids, but it's simply too much. Once you see your kids' grandparents moving into "child raising" territory, i.e. reprimanding your kids, trying to make them do things, threatening them with some sort of punishment, it's pretty much over. My grandparents hardly ever disciplined me-- they'd visit on Sunday and leave after dinner. There was no opportunity for me and my sibings to act up.
Then again, we lived 20 minutes away from them so there was no reason have a visit that went more than an afternoon.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 18:44
Subject: Re:Vacation with parents going badly
Anonymous wrote:If you lived near them, you wouldn't have to spend a big chunk of time with them. It would be shorter but more frequent visits.
And? What's your point?
Anonymous
08/21/2016 18:36
Subject: Vacation with parents going badly
Always-stay-apart. And no, they don't get to "insist" otherwise. Pay yourself or don't go.