Anonymous
08/21/2016 18:43
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Why have you not said one word about your brother, here? You want a baby pic/update? Ask HIM. It is not her job to connect with HIS family.
She is my Husbands' sister. My husband is terrible at maintaining social relationships, and it is very much on me, as his version is benign neglect. His mother used to thank me, because he only started calling her after we started dating and I ask how his family was doing.
Well, you have enabled him in this immature and selfish behavior. But don't blame his sister for lack of closeness.
Plus, what do you want, her innermost soul? She's kind and friendly to you.
I never understand why people on this forum (or anywhere) have to be so nasty. If a poster doesn't like her ILs, she gets crap for not being nice, but if a poster is honestly asking how to be closer to her ILs, then she gets a response like this one. There are just some miserable cows who stalk this forum looking for places to insert their snide and unhelpful nastiness.
The common thread is that in both situations people are advising against trying to force other people to fit the mold you have in your head. In this case, it sounds like OP has a specific definition of what she thinks a "close relationship" should look like. She wants lots of sharing of personal feelings. What she is not recognizing is that her husband's entire family does not seem to prone to sharing. Being a private person is OK. It sounds like your sister in law's version of being close is simply spending time together pleasantly. She doesn't need to tell you about her feelings, and she's willing to listen to yours but does not need to hear about it. If you can learn to experience closeness in a way other than your preferred version , Then you will have a close relationship. If you need a different kind of closeness, then you need to find a different kind of friend. Your sister-in-law is who she is.
Here we go again.. Everyone is an individual, she has a right, MYOB to every single post. So tired of this.
LOL! You must be the pushy, overbearing type who simply can't walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Not everyone likes to overshare their entire life. Not everyone cares what you pack in your kid's bento box and wants to know what position you conceived your child in.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 18:37
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Why have you not said one word about your brother, here? You want a baby pic/update? Ask HIM. It is not her job to connect with HIS family.
She is my Husbands' sister. My husband is terrible at maintaining social relationships, and it is very much on me, as his version is benign neglect. His mother used to thank me, because he only started calling her after we started dating and I ask how his family was doing.
Well, you have enabled him in this immature and selfish behavior. But don't blame his sister for lack of closeness.
Plus, what do you want, her innermost soul? She's kind and friendly to you.
I never understand why people on this forum (or anywhere) have to be so nasty. If a poster doesn't like her ILs, she gets crap for not being nice, but if a poster is honestly asking how to be closer to her ILs, then she gets a response like this one. There are just some miserable cows who stalk this forum looking for places to insert their snide and unhelpful nastiness.
The common thread is that in both situations people are advising against trying to force other people to fit the mold you have in your head. In this case, it sounds like OP has a specific definition of what she thinks a "close relationship" should look like. She wants lots of sharing of personal feelings. What she is not recognizing is that her husband's entire family does not seem to prone to sharing. Being a private person is OK. It sounds like your sister in law's version of being close is simply spending time together pleasantly. She doesn't need to tell you about her feelings, and she's willing to listen to yours but does not need to hear about it. If you can learn to experience closeness in a way other than your preferred version , Then you will have a close relationship. If you need a different kind of closeness, then you need to find a different kind of friend. Your sister-in-law is who she is.
Here we go again.. Everyone is an individual, she has a right, MYOB to every single post. So tired of this.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 18:17
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Why have you not said one word about your brother, here? You want a baby pic/update? Ask HIM. It is not her job to connect with HIS family.
She is my Husbands' sister. My husband is terrible at maintaining social relationships, and it is very much on me, as his version is benign neglect. His mother used to thank me, because he only started calling her after we started dating and I ask how his family was doing.
Well, you have enabled him in this immature and selfish behavior. But don't blame his sister for lack of closeness.
Plus, what do you want, her innermost soul? She's kind and friendly to you.
I never understand why people on this forum (or anywhere) have to be so nasty. If a poster doesn't like her ILs, she gets crap for not being nice, but if a poster is honestly asking how to be closer to her ILs, then she gets a response like this one. There are just some miserable cows who stalk this forum looking for places to insert their snide and unhelpful nastiness.
The common thread is that in both situations people are advising against trying to force other people to fit the mold you have in your head. In this case, it sounds like OP has a specific definition of what she thinks a "close relationship" should look like. She wants lots of sharing of personal feelings. What she is not recognizing is that her husband's entire family does not seem to prone to sharing. Being a private person is OK. It sounds like your sister in law's version of being close is simply spending time together pleasantly. She doesn't need to tell you about her feelings, and she's willing to listen to yours but does not need to hear about it. If you can learn to experience closeness in a way other than your preferred version , Then you will have a close relationship. If you need a different kind of closeness, then you need to find a different kind of friend. Your sister-in-law is who she is.
PP (but not OP) here-I hear you and don't disagree with your thoughts. What I don't understand is why it's necessary for people to be so bitchy and nasty in these forums. While you laid out a perfectly reasonable and respectful explanation that I think is an important one to share with the OP, that's not what the poster who writes something like, "What do you want her innermost soul?" is going for. There are people here (just like everywhere on the internet) who aren't really interested in helping or giving a solid point of view, but rather just being mean.
Amazin
08/21/2016 12:17
Subject: Forming a better relationship with SIL
Anonymous wrote:Most women form their closest friendships years before they meet and marry their spouse. I like my SIL a lot. She's wonderful. We get along very well. And it's nice to have her in my life as someone who knows a lot about my husband and his family and their traditions and "ways," if I ever need a quick bit of perspective or advice on navigating their waters.
But my first phone call when I need a girlfriend or a confidante is always going to be my sister, my cousins, my best friend from growing up, my super-close college friends, my super-close roommates in the DC area from back in the day...they know me really well. Those are close bonds, some of those are life-long relationships. SIL is great, but she's not "inner circle," and she can't be becasue I don't want to "muddy the family waters" if I ever need to vent about her brother, mother, father, the way they do things in their family, their "stuff," etc.
You get along...that's great! That may be all she wants or needs. Your expectations/hopes for this relationship are only HALF of the equation, OP.
This is a great perspective. Just because she's a relative doesn't mean you have to be best friends.