Sigh. Wish I was married to you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had a great answer for you. You can't bring a horse to water.

Best I can think of is having a serious sit down conversation about your wants/needs. In no uncertain terms describe how your need for sex is like water to you. Hopefully, he will see it as s sign to step up his game. These things can be tricky. Something has to give before you find your eyes wander and seeking the attention your missing at home. Best of luck to you.

OP here. I am having a hard time with planning a serious conversation - I can only imagine that making things worse - I don't want him to feel inadequate which in turns leads to even less intimacy. Any tips for how to go about doing this without him feeling like he is under pressure.

You're right, it is possible the situation gets worse at first. The conversation has to be had at some point or the only way is down anyway. You can continue on with status quo, decide to scratch the itch elsewhere, or be pro active about your needs. Chances are, he's already under pressure and it's making it hard for him to perform. BTDT.

I wouldn't jump to fantasies and role play just yet. Start slowly unraveling the feelings on both sides. Do things to reconnect that are not about sex: sports, the beach, hobbies, take a date night. Take your time reconnecting and wiping out hard feelings it you may grow to resent him and vice versa. I wish I had taken my own advice. GL

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had a great answer for you. You can't bring a horse to water.

Best I can think of is having a serious sit down conversation about your wants/needs. In no uncertain terms describe how your need for sex is like water to you. Hopefully, he will see it as s sign to step up his game. These things can be tricky. Something has to give before you find your eyes wander and seeking the attention your missing at home. Best of luck to you.

OP here. I am having a hard time with planning a serious conversation - I can only imagine that making things worse - I don't want him to feel inadequate which in turns leads to even less intimacy. Any tips for how to go about doing this without him feeling like he is under pressure.

Well maybe you talk to him about doing rolling playing or something he wants to try. He gets to come up with something first, you go second. Keep it very open ended and no expections on what he wants to do. A lot of time one person's thing will not be the others but if you go in with a positive attitude hopefully the other will reciprocate with the same positive arritude when it's your turn.

So the goal is to get him thinking about having sex with you. Sometimes things break down so much you have to start at the base and build up. So start on a Monday - what kind of rolling playing/stuff do you want to try this weekend...think about it. Wednesday - so what have you thought about doing?(hard case will need more talking- i.e. Oh I did not think of anything...your answer well let's think of some stuff now. Thursday get him thinking more about it- talk about what he likes about it. Friday- Saturday try it. So over the course of a week he is thinking about wanting to have sex with you. Baby steps.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had a great answer for you. You can't bring a horse to water.

Best I can think of is having a serious sit down conversation about your wants/needs. In no uncertain terms describe how your need for sex is like water to you. Hopefully, he will see it as s sign to step up his game. These things can be tricky. Something has to give before you find your eyes wander and seeking the attention your missing at home. Best of luck to you.

OP here. I am having a hard time with planning a serious conversation - I can only imagine that making things worse - I don't want him to feel inadequate which in turns leads to even less intimacy. Any tips for how to go about doing this without him feeling like he is under pressure.

Well maybe you talk to him about doing rolling playing or something he wants to try. He gets to come up with something first, you go second. Keep it very open ended and no expections on what he wants to do. A lot of time one person's thing will not be the others but if you go in with a positive attitude hopefully the other will reciprocate with the same positive arritude when it's your turn.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I feel like my testosterone has plummeted into my mid 30s. I no longer have the high drive I had in my 20s. It's an issue for many men. Meanwhile, women don't hit their sexual peak until their 30s. The older man with a younger woman trope is a biological match but a sexual mismatch.

Sometimes it "plummets" and sometimes it just fades a little...but this is something he can do something about, and probably should if it fell off a cliff.

Anonymous wrote:I give BJs before every time we have intercourse (and enjoy it too!) and anal when he wants it. I am up for literally anything that he wants to do but he does not want to have sex more than once a week. I figure if I cant change the frequency, maybe I can try to be more adventurous but that doesnt seem to entice him. I would be extremeley happy with any type of sex 2-3x a week.

Urk. I'm a DH with a 15month old also, and you are way ahead of us at 3/month. I wish I had better advice for you (or that I lived near you and we could have an agreeable sex-only affair) , but all I can repeat is what I get told a lot: be patient, having little kids around can really kill things. I can tell you as a man that it's much harder for us to fake it and do duty sex. Some men are freaked out by childbirth and some go madonna/whore. Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do to change his perception of these things for the better, but I can say that being sexually aggressive will reinforce those negative reactions (this is a kind of defensiveness to feeling inadequate).

Was he like this before the kid, or was he more comfortable with more frequent and more adventurous sex? I'm going to guess he was OK before and this is a change.

I would suggest backing off and stopping initiating or pursuing...let him start to pursue you. If he doesn't, bring it up in a non-sexual moment - sometime when you can talk for a bit, but without the pressure of it being tied to having sex right then. Tell him you want a sex life and that the sex life (qualitative and quantitative) that you presently have isn't cutting it. If he's having some kind of freakout about the fact that a baby came out of you or some kind of madonna/whore thing, then he needs to own (admit) that and take responsibility for changing it (talk to a counselor - this is what sex therapists are for!!).

I would be thrilled to have 3/month sex with all the more explicit details you shared...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I feel like my testosterone has plummeted into my mid 30s. I no longer have the high drive I had in my 20s. It's an issue for many men. Meanwhile, women don't hit their sexual peak until their 30s. The older man with a younger woman trope is a biological match but a sexual mismatch.

OP here - thank you for your post, this is helpful - I think I should be more understanding.

One other thing I should mention:
Can you initiate earlier in the evening? My partner tries to initiate at 1130pm and I am just exhausted. Not feeling sexy AT ALL and I can barely keep my eyes open. At 8pm I'm much more likely to be receptive and turned on.

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had a great answer for you. You can't bring a horse to water.

Best I can think of is having a serious sit down conversation about your wants/needs. In no uncertain terms describe how your need for sex is like water to you. Hopefully, he will see it as s sign to step up his game. These things can be tricky. Something has to give before you find your eyes wander and seeking the attention your missing at home. Best of luck to you.

OP here. I am having a hard time with planning a serious conversation - I can only imagine that making things worse - I don't want him to feel inadequate which in turns leads to even less intimacy. Any tips for how to go about doing this without him feeling like he is under pressure.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I feel like my testosterone has plummeted into my mid 30s. I no longer have the high drive I had in my 20s. It's an issue for many men. Meanwhile, women don't hit their sexual peak until their 30s. The older man with a younger woman trope is a biological match but a sexual mismatch.

OP here - thank you for your post, this is helpful - I think I should be more understanding.

OP, does your husband regularly exercise? My drive plummets when I haven't hit the gym in a while and I'm eating crappy food. Get him back in the gym regularly and eating healthily. I feel disgusting (and thus not sexual) when I'm being lazy.

Anonymous wrote:Do you think DH feels overwhelmed by your sexual aggressiveness? Some men might find this very hot, but maybe your DH feels inadequate as a result or maybe he has madonna whore issues?

The next time he initiates I would just take his lead and see how that goes.

Also, have you criticized him sexually in the past? Or made him feel boring or not adventurous enough?

I don't think I have ever criticized him and usually I am not aggressive, just had some pent up frustration last night I guess - oops! point taken that he probably does not want to try anything too aggressive, but what about the low drive all the other times of the year...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you are sexually mismatched. Did you make it clear prior to marriage what your expectations are or did he lie? Im a woman with a high sexual drive, no way I'm marrying a man with a low sex drive. I'm making him be aware before marriage and clearly state it. If he is not with me I'm walking away from the relationship. Btw a I'm fair person and I believe a man should equally end a relationship if he knows before marriage his fiancé has a low sex drive.

I am a high drive woman in a mismatched marriage. The problem in my case was that I was clear, but my H deluded himself into thinking he was up for more frequency and more adventure. The last time I told him what I wanted, it ended with him calling me "sexually selfish." Okay buddy I get the message - you can't keep up with me.

He may have not deluded himself back then. He may have truly been more adventurous and desirous of sex when you first met. Men's testosterone levels decrease with age and thus their desire decreases. This is happening to me and it's extremely frustrating (from my male point-of-view).

Anonymous wrote:Did he see your vagina during childbirth? If so, his sex drive for you ain't coming back

OP Here - I don't know if this is a serious post, but No he did not, planned C-Section due to complications.

Honestly, I feel like my testosterone has plummeted into my mid 30s. I no longer have the high drive I had in my 20s. It's an issue for many men. Meanwhile, women don't hit their sexual peak until their 30s. The older man with a younger woman trope is a biological match but a sexual mismatch.

Anonymous wrote:Did he see your vagina during childbirth? If so, his sex drive for you ain't coming back

but she does anal!