Considering the state of your parent's health he should focus more on being a decent SIL and avoid any conflict so your parents do not have the added stress of the family arguing.

If he is so angry that he cannot sacrifice this all for other people who are ill, then this speaks volumes of his character.

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely sympathize with your husband. Your sister dangled he possibility of having kids in front of him and then backed out at the last minute, of course he is going to be devastated and furious. You have a much stronger bond with her so you are able to get past it. Of course she has every right to change her mind and I think it's for the best she didn't go through with it, but give him more time to get over it. Can you work towards saving up money for donor eggs or adoption? Downsize your house, one of you pick up a second job, hold a fundraiser? The difference between having a child and not is huge, and maybe focussing some of that anger towards making it happen will help him cope.

+1.

I agree with everything the pp said. I don't think your DH is handling his disappointment appropriately but I also think pinning all your hopes on being a parent to your sister donating her eggs, wasn't fair to anyone. Now your DH had the double disappointment of getting excited something will happen that you have been working years, to only have it taken away last minute AND have to give up the dream altogether of having children because you say there is no other way. That's a lot of anger and dissapointment with no refocusing on a positive future outcome and no therapy to deal with the finality if there really is no positive outcome possible.

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely sympathize with your husband. Your sister dangled he possibility of having kids in front of him and then backed out at the last minute, of course he is going to be devastated and furious. You have a much stronger bond with her so you are able to get past it. Of course she has every right to change her mind and I think it's for the best she didn't go through with it, but give him more time to get over it. Can you work towards saving up money for donor eggs or adoption? Downsize your house, one of you pick up a second job, hold a fundraiser? The difference between having a child and not is huge, and maybe focussing some of that anger towards making it happen will help him cope.

Agree with this, he needs more time. You probably do too. My husband is a lot like yours sounds. He has a temper in that he is quick to anger, not violent. He is also intensely loyal and expects the same from others he is close to, he has very clear views on right and wrong, and he isn't very self-aware in terms of his own feelings or emotions. Those traits can manifest as anger towards others whether misplaced or not. It's just who he is, human like the rest of us. Try to focus on each other and your relationship as much as possible, without bringing your family into it. You guys are a team. Stick together or at least maintain periodic touchpoints. I'm sorry about everything you're going through. Marriage is long. Good times or bad times can be measured in years. It doesn't mean things can't turn around.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for the feedback, but nobody has answered my question: Is my husband being unreasonable, or am I being insensitive? Or maybe both?

Both. I've been through infertility. It can be soul-crushing, for both partners. Have you found a DE specific online community for support? While I enjoy dcum, I don't think its the best place for advice on this topic.

nobody has answered my question: Is my husband being unreasonable, or am I being insensitive?

Irrelevant

Deciding who's less worthy of sympathy ..

Why not foster to adopt? I know a few families who have done this. You also end up with child care stipends, etc.

Your husband acts like child. If you have a child with him (via DE or adoption) you will actually have two children to take care of. Think very carefully before you end up there. You might be better off parenting on your own, having one less ego to pamper. He should be consoling/supporting you as you grieve as well, but he cannot think beyond himself. He will not be much help as a co parent.

You are right. He's being a spoiled brat.

You could also look into embryo adoption.

I can definitely sympathize with your husband. Your sister dangled he possibility of having kids in front of him and then backed out at the last minute, of course he is going to be devastated and furious. You have a much stronger bond with her so you are able to get past it. Of course she has every right to change her mind and I think it's for the best she didn't go through with it, but give him more time to get over it. Can you work towards saving up money for donor eggs or adoption? Downsize your house, one of you pick up a second job, hold a fundraiser? The difference between having a child and not is huge, and maybe focussing some of that anger towards making it happen will help him cope.

I think it's completely normal to be angry at your sister if she promised she would donate her eggs to you, and then changed her mind at the very last minute. She's entitled, yes, but you and your husband built hopes and dreams around this scenario, and it's not unreasonable to be angry and feel like she denied you a child. If she said no from the beginning, it would be different. But she kind of led you on and allowed you to hope. It's OK to acknowledge that and in my opinion she's a bit of jerk here.

Your husband's a big baby though; I think it's fine to be angry at the sister, it's silly to get angry at your parents.

Your sister has spared you so much heartache because she revealed to you who your DH really is before you are tied to him forever through kids.

I think it's a really bad idea and agree with your sister. I would be shocked if a fertility clinic actually agreed to do it.

Your husband hates your sister because she wouldn't give up part of her body and he doesn't get what he wants... Your husband is a gaping a$$hole with an entitlement complex.

Sometimes we don't get what we want. The story doesn't always go the way we hope it would. That's called "life" and most non-toddlers understand this.

If your relationship with your own sister is "never the same" because she would've give up part of her body so you can make a biological child, you don't deserve a sister.

Adopt. Foster. Get a dog, for fecks sake! Save your pennies, get a second job, and buy an egg if having a biokid is so important to you/your spouse.

But, really? I don't think the world needs more of either of your DNA. You both sound intolerably self-absorbed.

A wife and a husband on their own is still a family. Your husband needs to realize that his seed is no more special than the other 3.5 billion men's on the planet and that sometimes it's not meant to be. Also, OP, you seem to be taking the letdown rather well.