Anonymous wrote:First, he doesn't send 3500. I have two children and a mid-forties "C suite executive" ex husband who doesn't even pay that. A 22 year old wasn't sending 3500. He probably sends exactly nothing because he doesn't know a ballpark CS figure if he's throwing out $3500. I know another woman with 5 children and an ex who makes 500K+ and she receives less than that from her very generous ex spouse.

I'd run far and fast. Nothing, and I mean nothing, demonstrates bad character than an absentee father. Please, please get yourself away from this man.

Lawyer here and it really depends on the state and the circumstances of the two parties. In some states, NY being an example, the NCP has to pay for daycare if the CP is in school. So, if the CP isn't working and the NCP is then the child support obligation for the NCP will be very high since the CP will be paying almost 0% of the daycare costs. If the NCP never petitions to modify the order they may continue to pay a very high amount that does not take into account the CP's salary upon graduating college or the reduction in daycare costs as the child ages.

OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The mother is remarried and new baby (so new sibling for daughter).
He says the daughter knows he will always be here for her, that he has made that clear. That he would drop everything for her if needed/wanted. He says he doesn't want to disrupt their life and 'force' a relationship.

No he wouldn't drop everything. He should have (at the age of 21) relocated to at least live near the child. Even if things weren't working with the mother. You aren't a parent yet--- believe me, it takes a special kind of soulless person to let their own flesh and blood just disappear out of their life. And teh child doesn't get to decide if it's an "intrusion" or not. It's a very easy and convenient excuse for his behavior. Like the $3500/month (LIE!!!)

Anonymous wrote:There's a big difference between messing up and fathering a child with a fling and walking away vs. being married to someone and having a child with them. I wouldn't assume that if you guys get married and have kids that he wouldn't choose to be involved which I assume is your concern here.

I believe her concern is whether he's a decent human being. Let's say he's one day a great dad to the OP's kids. It doesn't matter that he showed no interest in the first one?

As a PP said, the only way I would be ok with this is if he showed signs of evolving and regretting the choices he made and making amends.

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to disagree with previous posters. The woman moved away to be near her sister. They were not together. Should have have moved to CA no questions asked? Genuinely curious.

No, he need not have moved to CA. He should have tried very hard to visit (seems like he has money, if the child support is true) and otherwise be in her life. If the mom had tried to prevent, he should have gone to court to seek some visitation. Instead, he was willing to passively let it all pass by.

OP here. The mother is remarried and new baby (so new sibling for daughter).
He says the daughter knows he will always be here for her, that he has made that clear. That he would drop everything for her if needed/wanted. He says he doesn't want to disrupt their life and 'force' a relationship.

First, he doesn't send 3500. I have two children and a mid-forties "C suite executive" ex husband who doesn't even pay that. A 22 year old wasn't sending 3500. He probably sends exactly nothing because he doesn't know a ballpark CS figure if he's throwing out $3500. I know another woman with 5 children and an ex who makes 500K+ and she receives less than that from her very generous ex spouse.

I'd run far and fast. Nothing, and I mean nothing, demonstrates bad character than an absentee father. Please, please get yourself away from this man.

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to disagree with previous posters. The woman moved away to be near her sister. They were not together. Should have have moved to CA no questions asked? Genuinely curious.

I have kids. For me, the answer would be yes I would move at the age of 23 when I have few roots and nothing holding me to a certain place. I wouldn't let my children live across the country from me.

However, I think it's reasonable the answer might be no. In which case, at a minimum he should seek some sort of legal/joint custody and see the child regularly and have a role in her life. School breaks, summer vacation, etc.

Hmm...I opened this prepared to be pretty harsh on him. But I'm not sure it's the case. If the mom has her own life out in California, maybe she really doesn't want him to intrude. Maybe the daughter doesn't really want an awkward twice a year visit with a guy she barely knows? She may have another man (or woman) in her life that she views as her second parent, and not be really interested in this guy filling that role. I guess I'd need to know more about how he interacts with her. I think if he makes it clear to the daughter that he's there for her if she wants him for something (other than 42K a year), I wouldn't judge him too harshly for this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A OP here. I meant to add this.... And I'm NOT making excuses for him or anyone like him,.. But 21 year old guys are idiots. Still immature, still selfish, still scared. I can see how he immaturity would pave way to allowing that distance to build and build... Then all of a sudden that's the 'norm'. He has had 2 serious girlfriends before me, wondering if they were as concerned as me.

So I guess you're the kind of woman who seeks to make excuses for this behavior.

Two things for you to ponder as you try to dismiss this man's moral blindspot. First, presumably the child's mother was also young, immature, selfish, scared. Yet somehow she managed to step up. Second, BF is no longer 21. What's his excuse for being a deadbeat father now?

I agree with this. At 32 he should know better. His only saving grace is that he financially contributes. I can understand not being able to physically see her often b/c of the distance, but he could call, Skype, email, send letters, etc.

I've known a lot of grown men with children they don't know and blame the difficult ex. Men in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even older who are intelligent, have good jobs, stable incomes etc. Yet they can't grow up enough to get over their dislike and sometimes hatred of the dreaded ex. Yeah, your relationship may have ended badly, but you still have a kid. They always make excuses too, "My kid would want nothing to do with me..." etc. Yeah, maybe but you need to try--again and again. This is the ultimate in selfishness.

I'm going to disagree with previous posters. The woman moved away to be near her sister. They were not together. Should have have moved to CA no questions asked? Genuinely curious.

I had a ONS years ago with someone that resulted in a baby. I've never lived with her. She's 13 now, and probably slept over a dozen times. I see her anywhere from 2-5 times a week, and as she has a phone we text and talk throughout the week. I don't pay regular child support because her mother is terrible with money, but directly buy DD things as she needs them (clothes, sports, birthday parties, groceries) and attend all her school things - I think I've missed one clarinet performance and one parent/teacher conference.

Her mother and I are friendly, though not friends. I am trying to make my home more habitable for DD so she can spend more time here. I would be devastated if she lived across the country, but would either follow there, or make damn sure to keep the lines of communication open.

There's a big difference between messing up and fathering a child with a fling and walking away vs. being married to someone and having a child with them. I wouldn't assume that if you guys get married and have kids that he wouldn't choose to be involved which I assume is your concern here.

OP here. God damn! Like they say, DCUM is rarely in agreement. I'm not praising his behavior or saying it's okay. I truly didn't know what to think but my gut tells me to walk away.

Honestly, I don't understand how you don't know what to think of his behavior.

It's repugnant. He's a bad person. You're dating a bad person.

Maya Angelou: “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”