Anonymous
Post 08/20/2016 06:39     Subject: Separating
OP here. And last night he came and woke me up and asked me to come to his room so we could snuggle. Had sex.

This is insane.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2016 20:42     Subject: Separating
Anonymous wrote:Op here. No, he wants to do the vacation. He has been clear about that. I think we will do it. It will be hard, but if we are going to coparent we need to learn how to do this.

He is being a selfish ass right now. We also just found out his dad has cancer, but don't yet know the severity of it or any prognosis. Great timing, asshole. I don't even really recognize him anymore, the way he is acting.

For those of you who have separated with kids, what and how did you tell them?


Honestly, my kids were about the same age as yours and they sort of already knew something like this was going to happen. Too much silence between husband and I and just not the same type of environment in their friends and our family's homes. They also talked a lot with other kids at school whose parents were already separated/divorced, how was I to know they apparently didn't want to talk about that because it might happen to them. Instinctive little creatures, most of them are. We told them together, oldest told his father he hated him and ran out of the room in tears and the youngest just clung to her father until he left that evening. I'm sorry you are faced with this OP, truly. Btw, we too had a preplanned vacation later that year, paid for and all, but I didn't go, just couldn't, I let the children go with their father and have that time to try and stay connected to him on some level. They came back in better shape than I thought they would but they still, two years later, talk about us getting back together even though we both dismiss this possibility whenever they bring it up. Be prepared for that, it will happen sadly. Prayers are with you, stay strong.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2016 20:33     Subject: Separating
I would believe he is done with me if he weren't still texting me, calling me, organizing dates and outings. Not involving the kids, either. I think he is depressed.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2016 14:03     Subject: Separating
Anonymous wrote:What would you call a man who, after refusing to participate in marriage counseling, signs a lease on an apartment without telling you and then says "But we should still take the kids on vacation!"


A man who was DONE with is stbexw. Someone who have moved on, and was already waaay past the relationship. The whole "unrecognizealble" sounds exactly like what happens when people who have been modifying their behavior for years finally quit because they know the end is in sight and there's no point anymore.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2016 13:48     Subject: Re:Separating
I am so sorry! You don't mention what started all of this... It would be good for you to continue counseling on your own. Do you still want this marriage to work?
If so, please make every effort to make him regret leaving, be the very best you possible. There was a reason that he married you, see if there is any way to resurrect
the love that used to be there.
As for the vacation....if you can handle it...go! Try to rise above your own pain and make it the best possible vacation for your husband and the kids. Who knows where that might lead.
I know it's tough...but what you do now will make a difference for the rest of your life! (& your kid's)
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2016 12:26     Subject: Separating
Anonymous wrote:It will be bittersweet, but try to find the sweet on your last vacation as a 2-parent family.

I'm PP above with the STBXDH who bought the sports car and started online dating immediately after leaving. He announced he wanted a divorce right before our child's spring break college tour, which had already been planned. He was a dick at times during the tour, refusing to help discipline when it was needed (letting me be the heavy has always been his thing, though, it was just worse on the trip) and refusing to go to my dad's grave when we passed within 5 miles of it during the tour. But he was reasonable for most of the tour. I was pretty ready to be rid of him after 20 years of his dickish behavior TBH, so I focused on this seet transitional time with DS and enjoying watching DS make decisions and relate to us both.


*sweet* transitional time
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2016 12:25     Subject: Separating
It will be bittersweet, but try to find the sweet on your last vacation as a 2-parent family.

I'm PP above with the STBXDH who bought the sports car and started online dating immediately after leaving. He announced he wanted a divorce right before our child's spring break college tour, which had already been planned. He was a dick at times during the tour, refusing to help discipline when it was needed (letting me be the heavy has always been his thing, though, it was just worse on the trip) and refusing to go to my dad's grave when we passed within 5 miles of it during the tour. But he was reasonable for most of the tour. I was pretty ready to be rid of him after 20 years of his dickish behavior TBH, so I focused on this seet transitional time with DS and enjoying watching DS make decisions and relate to us both.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2016 09:45     Subject: Separating
Thanks. I think we will do the vacation. It will be hard, but I am fairly confident I can put on a happy face and do this. It is worth it to have that much time with my kids, before this chaos sets in.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2016 01:58     Subject: Separating
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just make yourself do it. That's going to be the life of co-parenting after divorce; might as well practise


+1. Get used to disappointing your kids and hearing their unhappy reaction. This is going to be your new normal as they adjust.


No, I meant make yourself do the vacation. No, don't disappoint the kids, just take them on vacation with your DH and enjoy it.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2016 16:57     Subject: Separating
STBXDH struggles with depression and ADD. A therapist told me that a common, but dangerous, response is to think that if you just make some radical change (house, job, hobby, diet) then everything will immediately be better. For 20 years I was included/went along with these changes, as the family went from paleo to vegan overnight, and so on. I had to kill several attempts to move to new states because neither of us had jobs in the new state, or it wasn't fair to yank the kids out of their schools on a whim. Finally he decided that ditching the wife and mortgage was the key to his happiness. He also turned 50 that year, so it's hard to separate from a midlife crisis, and probably includes both. He had a breakdown (hospitalized for a few hours) six months after leaving. If I have any advice to OP, it's to get a therapist to convince her DH that indulging himself and making major life changes won't bring happiness as long as the problem is in his own head and goes untreated.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2016 16:45     Subject: Separating
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Midlife crisis is like the monster that ate STBXDH. Like others here, I don't recognize the selfish jerk that used to be DH.

Not sure what advice to offer. Let him buy a sports car? Or some similar indulgence, just to get it out of his system. That's one of the first things STBXDH did right after he moved out. (The sports car was supposedly for our 17-year-old son, but apparently STBXDH wanted to borrow it all the time.)

He may not be having an affair, but he may have a general desire to see new women. STBXDH also started online dating immediately after leaving. I doubt he was having affairs, emotional or otherwise, before leaving (STBX accidentally signed DS up for OK Cupid at the same time he signed himself up, so the women were new, although DS said most dates were disasters). What's the answer here? Like others have said, probably to put out constantly so he's too tired to stray.

All the midlife crisis symptoms are there. STBX also announced that he was done with the mortgage and with helping with DD's college education. I'm relying on lawyers for the first but may not get much if any relief on the second. You simply can't allow your own DH to escape his financial obligations to his family, and pursue him with lawyers if you have to.


ugh....that is almost exactly my life right now


Sorry PP. If it's any consolation, his awful recent behavior has crowded out any regret I might have felt at his departure.


yep, when it all goes down I think I will feel nothing but relief .... just having trouble getting to that point
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2016 16:39     Subject: Separating
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Midlife crisis is like the monster that ate STBXDH. Like others here, I don't recognize the selfish jerk that used to be DH.

Not sure what advice to offer. Let him buy a sports car? Or some similar indulgence, just to get it out of his system. That's one of the first things STBXDH did right after he moved out. (The sports car was supposedly for our 17-year-old son, but apparently STBXDH wanted to borrow it all the time.)

He may not be having an affair, but he may have a general desire to see new women. STBXDH also started online dating immediately after leaving. I doubt he was having affairs, emotional or otherwise, before leaving (STBX accidentally signed DS up for OK Cupid at the same time he signed himself up, so the women were new, although DS said most dates were disasters). What's the answer here? Like others have said, probably to put out constantly so he's too tired to stray.

All the midlife crisis symptoms are there. STBX also announced that he was done with the mortgage and with helping with DD's college education. I'm relying on lawyers for the first but may not get much if any relief on the second. You simply can't allow your own DH to escape his financial obligations to his family, and pursue him with lawyers if you have to.


ugh....that is almost exactly my life right now


Sorry PP. If it's any consolation, his awful recent behavior has crowded out any regret I might have felt at his departure.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2016 16:25     Subject: Separating
Anonymous wrote:Midlife crisis is like the monster that ate STBXDH. Like others here, I don't recognize the selfish jerk that used to be DH.

Not sure what advice to offer. Let him buy a sports car? Or some similar indulgence, just to get it out of his system. That's one of the first things STBXDH did right after he moved out. (The sports car was supposedly for our 17-year-old son, but apparently STBXDH wanted to borrow it all the time.)

He may not be having an affair, but he may have a general desire to see new women. STBXDH also started online dating immediately after leaving. I doubt he was having affairs, emotional or otherwise, before leaving (STBX accidentally signed DS up for OK Cupid at the same time he signed himself up, so the women were new, although DS said most dates were disasters). What's the answer here? Like others have said, probably to put out constantly so he's too tired to stray.

All the midlife crisis symptoms are there. STBX also announced that he was done with the mortgage and with helping with DD's college education. I'm relying on lawyers for the first but may not get much if any relief on the second. You simply can't allow your own DH to escape his financial obligations to his family, and pursue him with lawyers if you have to.


ugh....that is almost exactly my life right now
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2016 16:07     Subject: Separating
Midlife crisis is like the monster that ate STBXDH. Like others here, I don't recognize the selfish jerk that used to be DH.

Not sure what advice to offer. Let him buy a sports car? Or some similar indulgence, just to get it out of his system. That's one of the first things STBXDH did right after he moved out. (The sports car was supposedly for our 17-year-old son, but apparently STBXDH wanted to borrow it all the time.)

He may not be having an affair, but he may have a general desire to see new women. STBXDH also started online dating immediately after leaving. I doubt he was having affairs, emotional or otherwise, before leaving (STBX accidentally signed DS up for OK Cupid at the same time he signed himself up, so the women were new, although DS said most dates were disasters). What's the answer here? Like others have said, probably to put out constantly so he's too tired to stray.

All the midlife crisis symptoms are there. STBX also announced that he was done with the mortgage and with helping with DD's college education. I'm relying on lawyers for the first but may not get much if any relief on the second. You simply can't allow your own DH to escape his financial obligations to his family, and pursue him with lawyers if you have to.
Anonymous
Post 08/18/2016 15:17     Subject: Separating
No cheating on my part. He did have at least an emotional affair if not more with someone at work. His subordinate. I wouldn't be surprised to learn there is more there.