The OP stated that the abuse was sporadic and hasn't occurred in years, the fact that it also came up late lends me to believe that isn't the issue. It also seems that she is still on somewhat cordial relationship with her husband. I think the majority of posters on this thread have hit the nail on the head. She is having a mid life crisis and thinks the grass is greener on the other side. She wants to go play the field while she is still young enough.
Get the marriage counseling honey. Put the effort in. You have four children who need you and their father - together. You will be much happier. I've seen several friends go through the same thing. The ones who left their spouse now wish they hadn't. There is no guarantee he will take you back when you are done fooling around. Take the time to make the right choice. Don't rush a separation

If he was EVER physically abusive, don't move out and leave him as the primary parent unless you currently fear for your safety. This weakened my case for full custody although the only incident in which I actually left the child alone with my XH was while I was hospitalized for sepsis. His lawyer argued successfully that I was really terrified of what he might do, I would have found someone else. Never mind that I was being loaded into an ambulance at the time. I actually had a police report and witnesses about the prior abuse, but leaving DC with him undercut my credibility.

This does sounds like a mid-life crisis. IT is common in the 40s to think things are better if you can just get away. I think counselling will definitely help.

How do you plan to pay for your house if you don't work?

Do you expect DH to pay for the house and child support while he lives in a 1 bedroom apt?

You need to get a job and see what you can afford. We know separated/divorced couples still living together because they can't afford to live separately.

You sound like you are having a mid life crisis. Maybe you should try the separate rooms and just co-parenting.

I'm also a SAHM who used to be very career oriented. I also stepped down so DH could focus on his career. I occasionally have "fits" and want to leave too. I think you are having a very big fit and haven't thought things out. You can't afford to stay in the house.

I've had a few friends divorce but in all the cases it has been dual income so I am not sure how SAHM changes the picture. I agree with PP to talk to a lawyer because there can be financial implications.

-I had friend that tried the nesting route for awhile as a transition. The parents alternated living in a small apartment while the kids stayed in the house. They did this for a little bit and all that really did was buy some time to work out a divorce settlement and give a little breathing room. It wasn't sustainable for the long term for them and they still had to work out the financial details before actually divorcing. If you tried nesting, realistically though, you would be SAHP sometimes living in the apartment, sometimes living on the house as you tried to find a job. On his mornings for childcare, he would be repsonsible for getting the kids off in the morning even if he choose to hire someone to help. I get what you are saying that financially it doesn't make sense for him to pay someone if you are available but realistically he can't depend on you to do stuff with the kids during his time and vice versa. If you are divorced and have the kids that night and that was the night of something that wasn't flexible that required you to get a babysitter, you don't call up your ex and expect him to cover. maybe he is willing to switch days, maybe not.

-So in the who stays and who goes, one of my friends said "don't get stuck on the idea that you have to stay in the house". I'm not saying that you take just anything to get out the marriage, rather that you don't make staying in the house a sticking point where it actually holds up you being able to get out of a bad relationship. One situation they sold the house, split the proceeds and each rented a smaller house. Another the DH stayed in the house, mom found a 3 bedroom apartment and DH bought her out the house. The other the DH found a 3 bedroom apartment, and the wife had to buy him out the house. Being a SAHP, I am not sure if you wanted to stay in the house how you would buy your husband out of his half. Would it be a negotatition where you give up claim to part of his retirement or negotiate with your share of other assets? Would you be able to do some sort of agreement where you buy him ou in a set amount of time like 2 years and could be afford to wait that long?

-In most cases it was joint custody so the idea of your DH getting an apartment close to work and leaving you in the house doesn't work unless he is content to only see the kids on the weekends and for you to have primary custody. For most of my friends their ex actually did step up more once they divorced and had joint custody. Also with 4 kids and true 50/50 custody, for your DH to be involved he would need to stay close by. I think what PP are negatively reacting to is you can't expect your DH to downsize his life, let you stay in the house, and take less involvement (when he has decent involvement given his job and an hour commute) with his children for a divorce you are initiating. That's crazy. I can also see your point that you sacrificed your career for the family and at the time he wanted you to stay at home with the kids. So your reward shouldn't be barely seeing your kids in a studio apartment just to get out of the marriage. But basically if you can't figure out a way to work things out and stay married the only fair solution (from my non-legal background) would be no one gets what they want and you sell the house and move to a neighborhood where you both can afford to rent unless someone can figure out how to buy the other person out of the house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you OP. You didn't deserve all this hate.
I hope everything turns out alright for you.
But your husband can't that bad of a guy if he encouraged you to be a SAHM and seems to work hard at taking care of you and your children. You said he is military, so is my DH (army) a lot of times military people come off as abusive in the way they talk and act, but all the ones I know are teddy bears at heart. Maybe he just didn't realize until recently and that his why he is changing - for you. Give him a chance, you probably need his comfort after this thread.

I know nothing about OP, or her husband. He might be a gem, or an abuser, or somewhere in between. But the idea that you can't be a "bad guy" if you let your wife stay home, or that you can't be a "bad guy" if you're in the military is absurd. Isolating your spouse by limiting their movements, and exerting control over finances by not allowing her to work is a classic abuser tactic. Not saying that's happening here, but, if anything, SAHM's are more at risk of abuse because it's harder for them to escape. And domestic violence is a huge issue in our military. The fact that many military families move far from their extended family is another thing that can contribute to the isolation of spouses and their vulnerability to continuing abuse.

Your generalization is as bad here. OP has said nothing about him being controlling, what she did say is that he ASKED her and she agreed to be aSAHM. How is that controlling? It sounds mutual. She seems headstrong enough that if she wanted a career she probably would have got it. As for controlling finances, in most Mil families i know the non-military spouse has controlled the finances. I did it when DH was in, and my mom did fit my father. With all the deployments and field duty it makes it easier and consistent.

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you OP. You didn't deserve all this hate.
I hope everything turns out alright for you.
But your husband can't that bad of a guy if he encouraged you to be a SAHM and seems to work hard at taking care of you and your children. You said he is military, so is my DH (army) a lot of times military people come off as abusive in the way they talk and act, but all the ones I know are teddy bears at heart. Maybe he just didn't realize until recently and that his why he is changing - for you. Give him a chance, you probably need his comfort after this thread.

I know nothing about OP, or her husband. He might be a gem, or an abuser, or somewhere in between. But the idea that you can't be a "bad guy" if you let your wife stay home, or that you can't be a "bad guy" if you're in the military is absurd. Isolating your spouse by limiting their movements, and exerting control over finances by not allowing her to work is a classic abuser tactic. Not saying that's happening here, but, if anything, SAHM's are more at risk of abuse because it's harder for them to escape. And domestic violence is a huge issue in our military. The fact that many military families move far from their extended family is another thing that can contribute to the isolation of spouses and their vulnerability to continuing abuse.

So sorry for you OP. You didn't deserve all this hate.
I hope everything turns out alright for you.
But your husband can't that bad of a guy if he encouraged you to be a SAHM and seems to work hard at taking care of you and your children. You said he is military, so is my DH (army) a lot of times military people come off as abusive in the way they talk and act, but all the ones I know are teddy bears at heart. Maybe he just didn't realize until recently and that his why he is changing - for you. Give him a chance, you probably need his comfort after this thread.

The OP might have have away a little too much info. I think I may know this family and am completely shocked. If it is who I think it is out in B______,they always seemed like the perfect couple. She is absolutely adorable and he is a great father. He seemed to be a doting husband as well, they way he always looked at her. He was always great with the cub scouts. I hope it isn't true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm blown away by the negative comments towards OP. She has been a SAH mom for 18 years. Jobs don't grown on trees -- she's not going to jump into one.

She has been a SAH mom. It's great that her husband is such an active and involved father, but that certainly doesn't diminish the years that she's spent raising four children.

There may have been some abuse along the way, and now OP has had it. Counseling - absolutely. But what the hell is wrong with you people? Give her a break.

Op is getting shit because she came in here admitting she has 4 kids, three of whom are older, for whom her husband does a LOT of the runaround stuff and yet she is just gob smacked that because of this and how she wants the divorce, she should move out and pay for an apartment. Yes it will lower her standard of living, that's divorce. She chose to have 4 kids and SAHM for 18 years and is now surprised that she can't request a divorce, stay in the house, work when and if it suits her and pays what she wants, and her DH can just deal.

Also, she was all fine to sit around for awhile to work on "training" to get a good job but when she got blowback suddenly he was abusive. Nah. People leaving abusive relationships lead up front that the relationship is abusive. Not toss in vague references to it when things aren't going their way. Being told to get a job and handle your kids' activities isn't emotional/verbal abuse.

Wow. You are unreal.



Of course I know I will have a lower standard of living with a divorce. What I do not expect, nor will I accept, is to be forced into a studio apartment so my kids can "take turns one or two at a time" camping out on the floor with blankets, while their Dad stays in a comfortable 5 bedroom suburban home.

You act as though my husband has been BEGGING me to get a job for 18 years and I just sat on my butt, when in fact it has been the EXACT opposite. For what it's worth, my husband has been career military most of our marriage. He had asked me, and I agreed, to be a SAHM so our kids would have the most stability during moves, deployments, etc. I agreed to SACRIFICE my own career ambitions and goals for the sake of my husband's career and what I believed to be my family's best interest. And now you throw it in my face as if I have been lazy and selfish for all these years.
Shame on you.

I haven't provided all the details of my situation because I really didn't think they mattered. I didn't ask what people thought of me being a SAHM. I didn't ask what people thought of who and how should transport my kids to their extracuricular activities. I didn't ask for people to speculate on if and how I have been verbally or physically abused.
What I DID ask, is if anyone has been in a situation where they kept the home they owned, but also rented an apartment and the separating couple took turns in who lived where. That is all.

Anonymous wrote:OP,

What exactly are you "done" with?
Your husband? Your kids? Or just being married? Sounds like you might be having a bit of a midlife meltdown and are just looking for some form of change. Maybe you should try doing something different with your husband. Take some classes together go dancing together do something you haven't done in a long time together. Try treating each other special like when you first started dating. Do what you have to to find the romance again even if it means counselling.

Or working
She sounds bored as hell.

OP,

What exactly are you "done" with?
Your husband? Your kids? Or just being married? Sounds like you might be having a bit of a midlife meltdown and are just looking for some form of change. Maybe you should try doing something different with your husband. Take some classes together go dancing together do something you haven't done in a long time together. Try treating each other special like when you first started dating. Do what you have to to find the romance again even if it means counselling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm blown away by the negative comments towards OP. She has been a SAH mom for 18 years. Jobs don't grown on trees -- she's not going to jump into one.

She has been a SAH mom. It's great that her husband is such an active and involved father, but that certainly doesn't diminish the years that she's spent raising four children.

There may have been some abuse along the way, and now OP has had it. Counseling - absolutely. But what the hell is wrong with you people? Give her a break.

Op is getting shit because she came in here admitting she has 4 kids, three of whom are older, for whom her husband does a LOT of the runaround stuff and yet she is just gob smacked that because of this and how she wants the divorce, she should move out and pay for an apartment. Yes it will lower her standard of living, that's divorce. She chose to have 4 kids and SAHM for 18 years and is now surprised that she can't request a divorce, stay in the house, work when and if it suits her and pays what she wants, and her DH can just deal.

Also, she was all fine to sit around for awhile to work on "training" to get a good job but when she got blowback suddenly he was abusive. Nah. People leaving abusive relationships lead up front that the relationship is abusive. Not toss in vague references to it when things aren't going their way. Being told to get a job and handle your kids' activities isn't emotional/verbal abuse.

Well put.

Anonymous wrote:I'm blown away by the negative comments towards OP. She has been a SAH mom for 18 years. Jobs don't grown on trees -- she's not going to jump into one.

She has been a SAH mom. It's great that her husband is such an active and involved father, but that certainly doesn't diminish the years that she's spent raising four children.

There may have been some abuse along the way, and now OP has had it. Counseling - absolutely. But what the hell is wrong with you people? Give her a break.

Op is getting shit because she came in here admitting she has 4 kids, three of whom are older, for whom her husband does a LOT of the runaround stuff and yet she is just gob smacked that because of this and how she wants the divorce, she should move out and pay for an apartment. Yes it will lower her standard of living, that's divorce. She chose to have 4 kids and SAHM for 18 years and is now surprised that she can't request a divorce, stay in the house, work when and if it suits her and pays what she wants, and her DH can just deal.

Also, she was all fine to sit around for awhile to work on "training" to get a good job but when she got blowback suddenly he was abusive. Nah. People leaving abusive relationships lead up front that the relationship is abusive. Not toss in vague references to it when things aren't going their way. Being told to get a job and handle your kids' activities isn't emotional/verbal abuse.

Anonymous wrote:OP, the best thing would be to move into a separate bedroom for right now, have him take over the major work of cooking, cleaning, hoping and caretaking and you look for a job. Once you get a job and he gets the routine and can rearrange work or make a plan for the kids, then one of you move out, and then find a way to share the kids/time. You realistically cannot keep the house financially without a lot of support from him. That would not leave enough for him to get his own place so the best thing may be for each of you to move out with 3 bedrooms and two kids sharing a room.

you saying sell the house and move into 2 3-bedroom? Is that feasible when she sounds like she wants him to go soon? If their house is anything like mine (2 teenage boys), at best it would take 30-60 days to get a house into market shape. It doesn't sound like she has that timeline in her mind. Maybe longer term, but for now she should focus smaller.