Anonymous wrote:I have not cut my mom out of my life, but my mother is a lot like yours.

My advice based on what you describe is to emotionally disconnect from her completely and embark on a civil and cordial relationship. She's some lady you know who comes to visit you and your kids once a year. Whatever she says to you or your SIL, it doesn't really matter because she should have zero influence over your emotions. Don't think about her when she's not around. Don't share intimate details with her. Just keep it very superficial.

Why keep any connection at all? What you describe is a mockery of a relationship.

I cut my physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive mother off. I have not missed her at all. It has been painful because I wish I had a better mother, but I felt this way even when I was in touch with her. Life is so much better without her drama, mood swings, lies, mean spiritedness, and vindictiveness. She is an awful person and I thank heavens every day she is no longer in my life.

A note of caution: My mother did not go easy. She called and left me nasty voicemails (screaming rants sometimes as long as three minutes) and then when I blocked her calls, she sent me nasty emails (I'm talking pages and pages of lies and accusations). And then when I blocked her emails, she started sending my then-boyfriend (now DH) nasty emails and voicemails, threatening to make up lies and call the police on him. And then when he blocked her, she tried Facebook friending his family and Facebook stalking me. The whole time, she kept up a victim narrative with my relatives, many of whom are as mentally ill and unhappy as she is, so that they would barrage me too. What worked was firm no contact and rebuffing the attempts of manipulative, drama-loving relatives to intervene and "reunite" us.

It took two years for her to tire of her weekly, sometimes daily onslaught. By the time she was done, there was no chance I would ever again have anything to do with her. It has been over three years since I last saw her and SO MUCH good has happened in my life without that vampire in it. You just don't realize what people like that are costing you in energy, confidence, and optimism that can power you to a truly successful life. My career has soared, DH and I are now married and so happy (she tried everything to scare him off), and I have given birth to two beautiful children who she has never met. I am killing it on every level and just so grateful for the life I live. The depression I had struggled with all my life lifted as soon as I cut her off. I may always carry a certain sadness about not having the parental support others do, but I will never let that woman back in my life.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you last PP for sharing your story. My mom has already been cut off by her mother and her only sibling. The only other family she still has a relationship with is my brother, his wife and kids. They will not cut her off because they still rely on her financial handouts but they fight all the time. Plus, she is my niece and nephew's only grandparent. I wouldn't want anything to affect my relationship with my niece and nephew but I know my brother would completely understand my decision.

My DH has said he's amazed I haven't cut her out of our lives sooner. He is cordial to her but is disgusted by the way she treats me and it is hard for him not to defend me when she says really ugly things.

But I think I am going to take the PPs approach of just keeping a polite relationship for the kids.

I'm the PP. I think if you haven't tried the low-contact, emotionally detatched approach, you should do that first before going to more drastic measures. If nothing changes even after that, then think about it again.

Yes.

My mother was an addict who stole narcotics out of my house. She overdosed on Oxycontin repeatedly, requiring emergency room visits and ICU stays. She sold Oxycontin to my brother's friend and the kid (25 years old) wrapped his truck around a tree. She stole my identity and ran up credit cards in my name. She wasn't allowed to watch my children alone, but she hustled my babysitter into letting her stay with the children alone and then lied about it.

When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at age 38, she told me to stop being such a baby. That was it. I was done.

She died in a car accident two years later. She killed the passenger in the other car. I had an enormous mess to clean up with her estate, and that took another two years.

I am not sorry.

A therapist once told me you are not required to admire or even like your parents. Or see them often. There are many people out there, including myself, who have parents that bring everything but joy into their lives. My parents are good grandparents, but whenever they visit for extended periods of time-- more than a few days-- they bring turmoil into my home. They don't know how to act. My mother is judgmental and melodramatic. She has no sense of humor; I mean, the woman doesn't know how to laugh. My father can't hold normal conversation with someone without diving into politics or race relations. He insults people. My DH has tried very hard to get along with him. It's not possible. We've had a lot of arguments with them over the last few years. They always have to be right at the expense of peace.

If a doctor told you to cut out foods that raise your blood pressure, wouldn't you listen to their advice? Some of us have people who more or less do the same to us, who we have to cut out for our own health and sanity.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you last PP for sharing your story. My mom has already been cut off by her mother and her only sibling. The only other family she still has a relationship with is my brother, his wife and kids. They will not cut her off because they still rely on her financial handouts but they fight all the time. Plus, she is my niece and nephew's only grandparent. I wouldn't want anything to affect my relationship with my niece and nephew but I know my brother would completely understand my decision.

My DH has said he's amazed I haven't cut her out of our lives sooner. He is cordial to her but is disgusted by the way she treats me and it is hard for him not to defend me when she says really ugly things.

But I think I am going to take the PPs approach of just keeping a polite relationship for the kids.

I meant the PP at 14:56.

OP here. Thank you last PP for sharing your story. My mom has already been cut off by her mother and her only sibling. The only other family she still has a relationship with is my brother, his wife and kids. They will not cut her off because they still rely on her financial handouts but they fight all the time. Plus, she is my niece and nephew's only grandparent. I wouldn't want anything to affect my relationship with my niece and nephew but I know my brother would completely understand my decision.

My DH has said he's amazed I haven't cut her out of our lives sooner. He is cordial to her but is disgusted by the way she treats me and it is hard for him not to defend me when she says really ugly things.

But I think I am going to take the PPs approach of just keeping a polite relationship for the kids.

You come across as very sensitive OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a ton of entitled millennials here picking apart every little slight they perceive from their parents. There are tons of online support groups discussing this current estrangement phenomenon......grandparents being cut off for the stupidest things.

OP, if you want real advice, you will have to explain, otherwise how can you actually expect advIce. The fact that you have blind supporters here only reinforces the syndrome of "My Mom doesn't get me and I'm gonna punish her."

You openly admit you had some argument or something when she was at your house, yet you are dumbfounded that she felt that you snapped at her. You probably DID! In fact, you know you did, but it's her behavior that is on trial and you are ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT CUTTING HER ENTIRELY OUT IF YOUR KIDS' LIFE. For what? You are engaging in revenge tactics. That's a clue more about you than her.

If you do that...it's huge. There better be a really good reason such as drug addiction, sexual divorce, physical...real physical abuse, serious mental illness that is untreated for something so severe. It's cruel and life changing. And you are also punishing your kids.

Check yourself...and try again. Are you in a negative pattern with her? Is there something you are resentful about? Counseling? Therapy?

Getting blind support from a forum where no one knows you or your Mom is immature.
BINGO.

Totally agree with this. No OP, you don't cut off your own parent who you admit is a good grandparent because they said something you didn't like. Man up. Familial estrangements should be reserved for major issues like true mental illness and abuse only.

OP talks about being abused and her mother's likely undiagnosed mental illness in her FIRST POST.

There are some sadistic fucks on here who get really nasty when someone is dealing with some shit like this. Very sad.

If you air your shit online, expect to get different opinions. If you perceive this as sadistic, you need help. No, the world is not out to get you.

+1000

OP, I just posted a thread about my mother on here a couple days ago and the advice I got from everybody was to cut her off completely. I'm really struggling with whether or not to do this, frankly. I've tried going low-contact before and always got drawn back in.

I feel like it would be much easier if we weren't as geographically close. But since moving halfway across the country just because of this is completely unrealistic, I'm starting to think maybe going cold turkey will make staying away and staying sane easier for me. I talked to DH about this and he'd support me if I decide to do it. Obviously he's concerned about these issues too, or he wouldn't encourage me to even think about it.

Then again, I do struggle with some of the things PP's have mentioned. It's a huge step and there's hardly any going back once you do it. The rest of the family will have an opinion on it too, some might be on mom's side. DD will grow up without a grandmother. The bad aspects of the relationship will be gone but so will the good ones. Mom will age and there might no longer be time to make up for any regrets... It will be a heavy burden to carry, but it's also a heavy weight to keep the relationship going. Which will weigh less?

TL;TR: It's not an easy decision or one that should be taken lightly. If only there was a simple yes/no answer on this...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a ton of entitled millennials here picking apart every little slight they perceive from their parents. There are tons of online support groups discussing this current estrangement phenomenon......grandparents being cut off for the stupidest things.

OP, if you want real advice, you will have to explain, otherwise how can you actually expect advIce. The fact that you have blind supporters here only reinforces the syndrome of "My Mom doesn't get me and I'm gonna punish her."

You openly admit you had some argument or something when she was at your house, yet you are dumbfounded that she felt that you snapped at her. You probably DID! In fact, you know you did, but it's her behavior that is on trial and you are ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT CUTTING HER ENTIRELY OUT IF YOUR KIDS' LIFE. For what? You are engaging in revenge tactics. That's a clue more about you than her.

If you do that...it's huge. There better be a really good reason such as drug addiction, sexual divorce, physical...real physical abuse, serious mental illness that is untreated for something so severe. It's cruel and life changing. And you are also punishing your kids.

Check yourself...and try again. Are you in a negative pattern with her? Is there something you are resentful about? Counseling? Therapy?

Getting blind support from a forum where no one knows you or your Mom is immature.
BINGO.

Totally agree with this. No OP, you don't cut off your own parent who you admit is a good grandparent because they said something you didn't like. Man up. Familial estrangements should be reserved for major issues like true mental illness and abuse only.

OP talks about being abused and her mother's likely undiagnosed mental illness in her FIRST POST.

There are some sadistic fucks on here who get really nasty when someone is dealing with some shit like this. Very sad.

If you air your shit online, expect to get different opinions. If you perceive this as sadistic, you need help. No, the world is not out to get you.

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a ton of entitled millennials here picking apart every little slight they perceive from their parents. There are tons of online support groups discussing this current estrangement phenomenon......grandparents being cut off for the stupidest things.

OP, if you want real advice, you will have to explain, otherwise how can you actually expect advIce. The fact that you have blind supporters here only reinforces the syndrome of "My Mom doesn't get me and I'm gonna punish her."

You openly admit you had some argument or something when she was at your house, yet you are dumbfounded that she felt that you snapped at her. You probably DID! In fact, you know you did, but it's her behavior that is on trial and you are ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT CUTTING HER ENTIRELY OUT IF YOUR KIDS' LIFE. For what? You are engaging in revenge tactics. That's a clue more about you than her.

If you do that...it's huge. There better be a really good reason such as drug addiction, sexual divorce, physical...real physical abuse, serious mental illness that is untreated for something so severe. It's cruel and life changing. And you are also punishing your kids.

Check yourself...and try again. Are you in a negative pattern with her? Is there something you are resentful about? Counseling? Therapy?

Getting blind support from a forum where no one knows you or your Mom is immature.
BINGO.

Wow pp. Clearly something touched a nerve for you. I'm guessing your children cut you off for very good reasons!

OP here. Wow, looks like someone dealing with their own mental illness and anger issues found my thread. Luckily, I already got great advice before then.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a ton of entitled millennials here picking apart every little slight they perceive from their parents. There are tons of online support groups discussing this current estrangement phenomenon......grandparents being cut off for the stupidest things.

OP, if you want real advice, you will have to explain, otherwise how can you actually expect advIce. The fact that you have blind supporters here only reinforces the syndrome of "My Mom doesn't get me and I'm gonna punish her."

You openly admit you had some argument or something when she was at your house, yet you are dumbfounded that she felt that you snapped at her. You probably DID! In fact, you know you did, but it's her behavior that is on trial and you are ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT CUTTING HER ENTIRELY OUT IF YOUR KIDS' LIFE. For what? You are engaging in revenge tactics. That's a clue more about you than her.

If you do that...it's huge. There better be a really good reason such as drug addiction, sexual divorce, physical...real physical abuse, serious mental illness that is untreated for something so severe. It's cruel and life changing. And you are also punishing your kids.

Check yourself...and try again. Are you in a negative pattern with her? Is there something you are resentful about? Counseling? Therapy?

Getting blind support from a forum where no one knows you or your Mom is immature.
BINGO.

Totally agree with this. No OP, you don't cut off your own parent who you admit is a good grandparent because they said something you didn't like. Man up. Familial estrangements should be reserved for major issues like true mental illness and abuse only.

OP talks about being abused and her mother's likely undiagnosed mental illness in her FIRST POST.

There are some sadistic fucks on here who get really nasty when someone is dealing with some shit like this. Very sad.

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a ton of entitled millennials here picking apart every little slight they perceive from their parents. There are tons of online support groups discussing this current estrangement phenomenon......grandparents being cut off for the stupidest things.

OP, if you want real advice, you will have to explain, otherwise how can you actually expect advIce. The fact that you have blind supporters here only reinforces the syndrome of "My Mom doesn't get me and I'm gonna punish her."

You openly admit you had some argument or something when she was at your house, yet you are dumbfounded that she felt that you snapped at her. You probably DID! In fact, you know you did, but it's her behavior that is on trial and you are ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT CUTTING HER ENTIRELY OUT IF YOUR KIDS' LIFE. For what? You are engaging in revenge tactics. That's a clue more about you than her.

If you do that...it's huge. There better be a really good reason such as drug addiction, sexual divorce, physical...real physical abuse, serious mental illness that is untreated for something so severe. It's cruel and life changing. And you are also punishing your kids.

Check yourself...and try again. Are you in a negative pattern with her? Is there something you are resentful about? Counseling? Therapy?

Getting blind support from a forum where no one knows you or your Mom is immature.
BINGO.

Totally agree with this. No OP, you don't cut off your own parent who you admit is a good grandparent because they said something you didn't like. Man up. Familial estrangements should be reserved for major issues like true mental illness and abuse only.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain more about what physical and emotional abuse mean. She denies it....did it happen or not?

I don't feel like going into it. Yes, it happened. She denies it like many abusers do. You can either choose to believe me or not.

OK, I will chose not to. My guess is you are blowing things out if proportion .

I get the same feeling. OP denied she snapped at her mother. Did it happen or not?

OP, there are many sides to every story. I think you need professional advice on this one.