Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you OP. I know this doesn't help you now, but for others, I think that making the pregnancy/baby thing a team effort from square one helps. My husband and I were at every OBGYN appointment TOGETHER. Just because it wasn't HIS body doesn't mean that he shouldn't have to take time off of work etc to. It is HIS kid. Thank goodness he wanted to be there. Also, after the baby was born, we both always go to every doctor's appointment. Also, we stayed on the same schedule. Got up together, went to bed together, both got up when the baby woke up at night. We also did not have a division of duties because everything was both of our duties. This and formula feeding (because it made it equal) made the first year and especially first weeks the best time in our marriage not the hardest. It really made us closer. This makes me want to go hug my husband now!

Nice in theory, but unrealistic for many families.

Also, sometimes if one parent can have a dependable night of sleep the rested parent has the energy to cheerlead the other through the next day. ESPECIALLY if both parents work.

True! Doesn't work for everyone. This did work for us since we both worked. That way we were BOTH tired and could commiserate with each other. Nothing started a fight sooner in my house when a tried person saw a well rested one!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you OP. I know this doesn't help you now, but for others, I think that making the pregnancy/baby thing a team effort from square one helps. My husband and I were at every OBGYN appointment TOGETHER. Just because it wasn't HIS body doesn't mean that he shouldn't have to take time off of work etc to. It is HIS kid. Thank goodness he wanted to be there. Also, after the baby was born, we both always go to every doctor's appointment. Also, we stayed on the same schedule. Got up together, went to bed together, both got up when the baby woke up at night. We also did not have a division of duties because everything was both of our duties. This and formula feeding (because it made it equal) made the first year and especially first weeks the best time in our marriage not the hardest. It really made us closer. This makes me want to go hug my husband now!

Nice in theory, but unrealistic for many families.

How so? This worked well for my family too. Just think of it as appointments that you both need to attend. If your husband was the one that was pregnant he would have to make it work to attend. Just think that way.

Yeah, but he wasn't pregnant. So he can save his time for other emergencies that might come up -- something could go wrong with the house. Another child could be ill. He could get ill.

Fair isn't always 50-50. Fair is each person recognizing what the other is able to both contribute and sacrifice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you OP. I know this doesn't help you now, but for others, I think that making the pregnancy/baby thing a team effort from square one helps. My husband and I were at every OBGYN appointment TOGETHER. Just because it wasn't HIS body doesn't mean that he shouldn't have to take time off of work etc to. It is HIS kid. Thank goodness he wanted to be there. Also, after the baby was born, we both always go to every doctor's appointment. Also, we stayed on the same schedule. Got up together, went to bed together, both got up when the baby woke up at night. We also did not have a division of duties because everything was both of our duties. This and formula feeding (because it made it equal) made the first year and especially first weeks the best time in our marriage not the hardest. It really made us closer. This makes me want to go hug my husband now!

Nice in theory, but unrealistic for many families.

How so? This worked well for my family too. Just think of it as appointments that you both need to attend. If your husband was the one that was pregnant he would have to make it work to attend. Just think that way.

NP here. Meh, I agree in principle, but in practice it makes sense for us to divide and conquer. He went to all of the big appointments, but not the routine check ins. Now that the baby's here, he does go to all of her medical appointments, and is on call for mid-day daycare pickup. His job is busier, but more flexible with telework than mine. At night too, we rotated who got up. Why would two people be awake when only one can be with the baby? That sounds like a recipe for sleep-deprivation induced bickering. You seem pretty intent on making things equal (formula feeding because it made it equal), which is great for you, but not necessarily the only way to do things.
A

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you OP. I know this doesn't help you now, but for others, I think that making the pregnancy/baby thing a team effort from square one helps. My husband and I were at every OBGYN appointment TOGETHER. Just because it wasn't HIS body doesn't mean that he shouldn't have to take time off of work etc to. It is HIS kid. Thank goodness he wanted to be there. Also, after the baby was born, we both always go to every doctor's appointment. Also, we stayed on the same schedule. Got up together, went to bed together, both got up when the baby woke up at night. We also did not have a division of duties because everything was both of our duties. This and formula feeding (because it made it equal) made the first year and especially first weeks the best time in our marriage not the hardest. It really made us closer. This makes me want to go hug my husband now!

Nice in theory, but unrealistic for many families.

How so? This worked well for my family too. Just think of it as appointments that you both need to attend. If your husband was the one that was pregnant he would have to make it work to attend. Just think that way.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like my relationship is floundering constantly. We fight every night almost and have spent the last 24 hours speaking only the bare minimum to one another like to prison inmates circling each other before a shanking.

I have cried no less than 8 times today. I don't know what is going on. He says I am micromanaging him, I say he is an asshole when he has less than 6 hours of sleep and takes everything I say automatically out of of context.

At the core, I feel done. I don't want to fight with him. But fuck him also. I am healing from giving birth, I'm sore, I'm tired, my body, time and mind have been taken over by feeding timebschdules. I want to scream and lose it on him but am just losing it.

Normal? Not for us. I'm at the end of my rope here. Tell me everyone else is fighting with their spouse. Tell me I'm not the only one. Tell me it is normal. I need to hear good news at the end of this planned pregnancy, this is what we wanted, you stayed up all night and played video games before the baby came so why are you sleepy now, asshole tunnel.

IT IS NORMAL. Your not the only one!! How old is baby? It gets better but it takes work. Communication is key!! Being able to have those conversations about how your feeling helps DH understand. I have been married 16 years now and the road was not always easy. But we choose to LOVE when we didn't quite feel like it! That's when life really starts happening because you decide to work and fight for the best thing ever and that's your marriage! Hang in there!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you OP. I know this doesn't help you now, but for others, I think that making the pregnancy/baby thing a team effort from square one helps. My husband and I were at every OBGYN appointment TOGETHER. Just because it wasn't HIS body doesn't mean that he shouldn't have to take time off of work etc to. It is HIS kid. Thank goodness he wanted to be there. Also, after the baby was born, we both always go to every doctor's appointment. Also, we stayed on the same schedule. Got up together, went to bed together, both got up when the baby woke up at night. We also did not have a division of duties because everything was both of our duties. This and formula feeding (because it made it equal) made the first year and especially first weeks the best time in our marriage not the hardest. It really made us closer. This makes me want to go hug my husband now!

Nice in theory, but unrealistic for many families.

Also, sometimes if one parent can have a dependable night of sleep the rested parent has the energy to cheerlead the other through the next day. ESPECIALLY if both parents work.

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you OP. I know this doesn't help you now, but for others, I think that making the pregnancy/baby thing a team effort from square one helps. My husband and I were at every OBGYN appointment TOGETHER. Just because it wasn't HIS body doesn't mean that he shouldn't have to take time off of work etc to. It is HIS kid. Thank goodness he wanted to be there. Also, after the baby was born, we both always go to every doctor's appointment. Also, we stayed on the same schedule. Got up together, went to bed together, both got up when the baby woke up at night. We also did not have a division of duties because everything was both of our duties. This and formula feeding (because it made it equal) made the first year and especially first weeks the best time in our marriage not the hardest. It really made us closer. This makes me want to go hug my husband now!

Nice in theory, but unrealistic for many families.

Anonymous wrote:With down and talk WITH him not to him. you probably are micromanaging him. He is a grown man and you need to stop treating him as though he is an inept idiot. I am a woman and I know how unreasonable we can be.

I love internalized sexism.

I feel for you OP. I know this doesn't help you now, but for others, I think that making the pregnancy/baby thing a team effort from square one helps. My husband and I were at every OBGYN appointment TOGETHER. Just because it wasn't HIS body doesn't mean that he shouldn't have to take time off of work etc to. It is HIS kid. Thank goodness he wanted to be there. Also, after the baby was born, we both always go to every doctor's appointment. Also, we stayed on the same schedule. Got up together, went to bed together, both got up when the baby woke up at night. We also did not have a division of duties because everything was both of our duties. This and formula feeding (because it made it equal) made the first year and especially first weeks the best time in our marriage not the hardest. It really made us closer. This makes me want to go hug my husband now!

With down and talk WITH him not to him. you probably are micromanaging him. He is a grown man and you need to stop treating him as though he is an inept idiot. I am a woman and I know how unreasonable we can be.

The first year is so hard on marriages.
The video gaming instead of sleep sounds pretty bad, though. I would say he needs to take more shifts if he has that much free time. You absolutely do need to prioritize your own rest and recovery. 90% of PPD is sleep deprivation.
Can a doctor or doula talk to him about those health needs?

Me too OP

We fought so much our first year of parenthood. We both felt we were doing "more" then the other, and that the other didnt understand/appreciate our efforts. It really scared me for our marriage. But, with more sleep (which took a long time due to our sons sleep issues) things got better. I think it is indeed worth talking to your Dr about PPD, but I also think a lot of this is/can be normal. Good luck!

It's so hard. We're six months out and still bicker more than either of us want. Remember that you're a team and hurting the other hurts you too. What helped us early was having clear division of duties, so there was no arguing about who was doing what. Both of you go to bed EARLY, like 9:00. I did overnight wake ups (baby was in a cosleeper next to me), then DH took the first shift of the morning for 2-3 hours straight so I could get a little uninterrupted sleep. We did that for at least three months, and it helped us both immensely.

Also, try to stock your freezer so you don't have to figure out meals every night. Much easier to say, "pull the lasagna out of the freezer" than "what are we doing for dinner tonight." Ask a family member or friend to spend an afternoon with you cooking. Most would be happy to help if you asked. If you can, get a cleaning service biweekly or monthly for a little while. Pretty much, set yourself up for success and minimize the on-the-spot decisions you guys have to make. If everyone knows what is expected of them, there's less opportunity for misunderstandings.

I've heard this is totally normal for awhile after having a baby. It's one of the most stressful things you will ever go through with your spouse. Just apologize and try to do better. Constantly remind yourself that you're just hormonal and tired.