Anonymous
08/09/2016 19:30
Subject: Are you a slow burn?
I suspect people who are slow burners are pleasers. Once they're away from the situation they can see how they were wronged and become angry.
Anonymous
08/09/2016 13:42
Subject: Are you a slow burn?
NP here. I also do not believe that it is normal or healthy. First, if you have a problem with your husband's parents, he should deal with it and not put you in the middle. Second, if you are put in the middle, you should never compromise your own feelings of right and wrong to avoid confrontation. That is hurtful to you, to those to whom you are talking to, and to the situation in general. Instead, take a step back and tell people that you need to process. Then process and respond when you have time. Never agree to something that you don't believe in!
Anonymous
08/09/2016 13:35
Subject: Are you a slow burn?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:you're STILL the only person here who can't relate... And yet everyone else is angry and mentally ill. Uh, sure.Anonymous wrote:doodlebug wrote:Every single PP before you, and now me, can relate to the OP and you come here to say it's not normal or healthy? Really? First of all, it may or may not be healthy. No one asked about that. But clearly, it's normal and you're the odd man out. Are you getting therapy for that? Every person processes information differently. That's not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. It just is. It's an introvert/extrovert thing. OP, it's perfectly acceptable to ask for a list of things they want to discuss and to make them stay on topic. This will give you an idea of what you're going to be ambushed with and if they deviate from the list tell them to schedule another time to discuss that. Alternatively, you can come to the table with a list. At least that way you won't be flustered and feel like you didn't get a chance to bring up the things you want to talk about. Just be clear and honest if you need to take more time to think on something, or request all correspondence be via email if that's better for you. And you can certainly email all of them now with your current thoughts and say "now that I have had time to think about it, I really don't think I'm to blame for X" or whatever works for you. Mostly, though, you need to get your husband on board. Do it now before you have kids so if you realize this isn't going to change or work for you long term, you can get out before it's messy and complicated with kids in the mix.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I tend to get mad after the fact about things that happen. For instance, about a week ago, my husband initiated a sitdown between my asshole in laws and I. We have been butting heads big time over my husband being a mama's boy and my in laws trying to undermine our marriage. At the sitdown, I ended up apologizing to my in laws even though they are the ones who were badmouthing me all over town. Well, I left the encounter not feeling resolved, but at least happy that DH and his parents were clearly happy. In the days that have elapsed, however, I have gotten madder and madder at how those three fools sat looking self satisfied and smug as I apologized to keep the peace. Now, I want to strangle DH.
Does anyone else have delayed reactions like these? It is as if my outrage meter needs time to warm up.
No, and that doesn't sound normal or healthy. Are you getting counseling?
Yes, I say it's not normal and not healthy. The fact that my contention enrages you so is case in point. Get a grip.
Well, there are at least two of us, come to find out
Not "everyone else" is angry, OP. You are, though. I don't know what the underlying reasons for your rage are, but the rage itself is self-evident. You must be a joy to be around...
3 of us! Although I will say I have experienced and do get it. But I have worked on not letting bad thoughts spiral far enough to really be damaging anymore.
I will say that the way OP is talking about her DH and in laws is more than anger, it sounds more like revulsion/contempt and that is very bad for her relationship with DH. Her rage and her willingness to capitulate to them when directly confronted is a really toxic combination that will do nothing but result in long term festering bad feelings that could really damage her marriage.
Understanding what someone is going through doesn't mean that you can't also understand that it is a really damaging habit that OP should wokr on.
Anonymous
08/09/2016 13:20
Subject: Are you a slow burn?
OP - I am a slow burn as well, which I HATE. My asshole neighbor made a comment about how she hopes I never get hired for a job (I just moved here so I had to resign from my old job) so I can continue handling some problems with our neighborhood association. People who heard the comment were aghast (particularly because she considers herself to be a very important person and it was clear she loved having someone deal with issues that concerned her), but I laughed it off. A few hours later I chewed over and realized how bitchy and horrible it sounded. I can't stand the woman now and avoid her fat ass, while she seemingly thinks we're friends. I wish I could have heard the bitchiness for what it was right away and just reacted to it then instead of being angry about it later. I tell myself "you can't let someone live in your brain rent-free" and that helps a lot.
As for your inlaws, I would write them an email and say "glad we had this chat. I'll be happy to do X and Y and I would appreciate it if you did Q and Z to improve our relationship. Besides, once you have kids you'll be in the drivers seat. Don't let them take up residence in your brain and poison you with their negativity and smugness!
As for your inlaws, I would write them an email and say "glad we had this chat. I'll be happy to do X and Y and I would appreciate it if you did Q and Z to improve our relationship. Besides, once you have kids you'll be in the drivers seat. Don't let them take up residence in your brain and poison you with their negativity and smugness!
Anonymous
08/02/2016 12:39
Subject: Are you a slow burn?
I would have discussed everything ahead of time with my DH and made sure he 100% understood my thoughts on the "head butting" and had my back. That way, he could do most of the talking and I would just need to add details. And that way I'd know it was really he and I having a sit down with his parents.
Though really, I would have insisted the sit down be between my DH and his parents without me present. He can represent my interests without me having to sit there awkwardly. That's much better.
Though really, I would have insisted the sit down be between my DH and his parents without me present. He can represent my interests without me having to sit there awkwardly. That's much better.
Anonymous
08/02/2016 12:33
Subject: Are you a slow burn?
I often do this. It resukts from thinking too much and over analyzing things.
Anonymous
08/02/2016 12:32
Subject: Are you a slow burn?
Anonymous wrote:you're STILL the only person here who can't relate... And yet everyone else is angry and mentally ill. Uh, sure.Anonymous wrote:doodlebug wrote:Every single PP before you, and now me, can relate to the OP and you come here to say it's not normal or healthy? Really? First of all, it may or may not be healthy. No one asked about that. But clearly, it's normal and you're the odd man out. Are you getting therapy for that? Every person processes information differently. That's not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. It just is. It's an introvert/extrovert thing. OP, it's perfectly acceptable to ask for a list of things they want to discuss and to make them stay on topic. This will give you an idea of what you're going to be ambushed with and if they deviate from the list tell them to schedule another time to discuss that. Alternatively, you can come to the table with a list. At least that way you won't be flustered and feel like you didn't get a chance to bring up the things you want to talk about. Just be clear and honest if you need to take more time to think on something, or request all correspondence be via email if that's better for you. And you can certainly email all of them now with your current thoughts and say "now that I have had time to think about it, I really don't think I'm to blame for X" or whatever works for you. Mostly, though, you need to get your husband on board. Do it now before you have kids so if you realize this isn't going to change or work for you long term, you can get out before it's messy and complicated with kids in the mix.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I tend to get mad after the fact about things that happen. For instance, about a week ago, my husband initiated a sitdown between my asshole in laws and I. We have been butting heads big time over my husband being a mama's boy and my in laws trying to undermine our marriage. At the sitdown, I ended up apologizing to my in laws even though they are the ones who were badmouthing me all over town. Well, I left the encounter not feeling resolved, but at least happy that DH and his parents were clearly happy. In the days that have elapsed, however, I have gotten madder and madder at how those three fools sat looking self satisfied and smug as I apologized to keep the peace. Now, I want to strangle DH.
Does anyone else have delayed reactions like these? It is as if my outrage meter needs time to warm up.
No, and that doesn't sound normal or healthy. Are you getting counseling?
Yes, I say it's not normal and not healthy. The fact that my contention enrages you so is case in point. Get a grip.
Well, there are at least two of us, come to find out
Not "everyone else" is angry, OP. You are, though. I don't know what the underlying reasons for your rage are, but the rage itself is self-evident. You must be a joy to be around...
Anonymous
08/02/2016 12:30
Subject: Are you a slow burn?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I tend to get mad after the fact about things that happen. For instance, about a week ago, my husband initiated a sitdown between my asshole in laws and I. We have been butting heads big time over my husband being a mama's boy and my in laws trying to undermine our marriage. At the sitdown, I ended up apologizing to my in laws even though they are the ones who were badmouthing me all over town. Well, I left the encounter not feeling resolved, but at least happy that DH and his parents were clearly happy. In the days that have elapsed, however, I have gotten madder and madder at how those three fools sat looking self satisfied and smug as I apologized to keep the peace. Now, I want to strangle DH.
Does anyone else have delayed reactions like these? It is as if my outrage meter needs time to warm up.
No, and that doesn't sound normal or healthy. Are you getting counseling?
+1 This is whack.
Anonymous
08/02/2016 10:49
Subject: Are you a slow burn?
I don't get why your DH insist you have to sit down and talk it over with his parents, knowing that will piss you off. You go with it because you are trying hard but the fact is it's better if you just have limited interactions. Talk just about what you have in common, like the DH or the kids, and the weather, that's it. State facts.
I get along with my MIL and I still would NOT want to sit down for a POW WOW with her. Why? because we have different views about many things, we just try to be neutral. When she can't get his son to do something, she asks me. And most of the time, I just let my DH do whatever.
Anyways, the fact that he MADE you do it makes you mad and resentment will build up against in laws and HIM. Whatever the discussion is, you shouldn't be force to say something or apologize unless you know in your heart that you didn't do something respectfully right.
So, really it's hard to say if you are right or wrong since we don't see exactly what happens to you when you interact with them. Or you could just be stubborn and must have your way, which happens often for people.
I get along with my MIL and I still would NOT want to sit down for a POW WOW with her. Why? because we have different views about many things, we just try to be neutral. When she can't get his son to do something, she asks me. And most of the time, I just let my DH do whatever.
Anyways, the fact that he MADE you do it makes you mad and resentment will build up against in laws and HIM. Whatever the discussion is, you shouldn't be force to say something or apologize unless you know in your heart that you didn't do something respectfully right.
So, really it's hard to say if you are right or wrong since we don't see exactly what happens to you when you interact with them. Or you could just be stubborn and must have your way, which happens often for people.
Anonymous
08/02/2016 10:36
Subject: Are you a slow burn?
you're STILL the only person here who can't relate... And yet everyone else is angry and mentally ill. Uh, sure.Anonymous wrote:doodlebug wrote:Every single PP before you, and now me, can relate to the OP and you come here to say it's not normal or healthy? Really? First of all, it may or may not be healthy. No one asked about that. But clearly, it's normal and you're the odd man out. Are you getting therapy for that? Every person processes information differently. That's not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. It just is. It's an introvert/extrovert thing. OP, it's perfectly acceptable to ask for a list of things they want to discuss and to make them stay on topic. This will give you an idea of what you're going to be ambushed with and if they deviate from the list tell them to schedule another time to discuss that. Alternatively, you can come to the table with a list. At least that way you won't be flustered and feel like you didn't get a chance to bring up the things you want to talk about. Just be clear and honest if you need to take more time to think on something, or request all correspondence be via email if that's better for you. And you can certainly email all of them now with your current thoughts and say "now that I have had time to think about it, I really don't think I'm to blame for X" or whatever works for you. Mostly, though, you need to get your husband on board. Do it now before you have kids so if you realize this isn't going to change or work for you long term, you can get out before it's messy and complicated with kids in the mix.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I tend to get mad after the fact about things that happen. For instance, about a week ago, my husband initiated a sitdown between my asshole in laws and I. We have been butting heads big time over my husband being a mama's boy and my in laws trying to undermine our marriage. At the sitdown, I ended up apologizing to my in laws even though they are the ones who were badmouthing me all over town. Well, I left the encounter not feeling resolved, but at least happy that DH and his parents were clearly happy. In the days that have elapsed, however, I have gotten madder and madder at how those three fools sat looking self satisfied and smug as I apologized to keep the peace. Now, I want to strangle DH.
Does anyone else have delayed reactions like these? It is as if my outrage meter needs time to warm up.
No, and that doesn't sound normal or healthy. Are you getting counseling?
Yes, I say it's not normal and not healthy. The fact that my contention enrages you so is case in point. Get a grip.