Anonymous
07/26/2016 06:02
Subject: Re:Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the other replies but I don't agree with the post about you just not liking this kid. Sounds like he has real issues and no one is doing anything about it.
Before you even attempt to marry this guy, make sure he comes to grips with all this and deals with it. Just how do you suppose he'll be with your future child? Scary isn't it.
That's not what it sounds like at all. It sounds like OP has the mistaken belief you can just "do" something about special needs. She has no idea what goes on at his moms house or how much work might be put into working with him that makes minimal difference or falls by the wayside when he's at dad's. Instead she just wants to blame mom, because that's cool. Op has no business inserting herself into this issue anymore than she has. If she can't handle the child as he is, the good news for her is she doesn't have to.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 06:00
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Get out now. You do not want to be making this your issue for the rest of your life and at some point it will be a huge blowup between you and your husband. Look, it's his kid. He can parent how he wants. It's not your kid. So you just need to do the right thing and go and not drag this out for years. These are not easy years this child is heading into and you already have a problem with him, his mom, and his dad. Just let them figure it out.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 05:04
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Special needs mom here.
Suppose your fiancee were totally on board that he had more than just a quirky kid. Together you and he recognized that his son had a real disorder and brought him for testing and the son was diagnosed with Syndrome X. Hallelujah!
Now it's six months later and you are married and at another family party. Your stepson is once again making his loud quirky noises, telling his inappropriate stories, and doing his inappropriate quirky things. But, you say to yourself, we brought him to a team of experts! We have him on a schedule of intensive therapy for Syndrome X! We are taking him to the best! He is taking Vitamin Complex ABBABABA! His father and I are both totally on board and are a united front as to his needs, therapeutic goals, and treatment plan! What the what what!
What is it you want here, OP? If you expect something to change in this picture just because your fiancee has a realization his son is quirky (or has ASD, or whatever), that's not going to happen.
You're new to this scene, or relatively so. You bring with you the hope and the expectation and the frankly, naivete, that if everyone just opens their eyes and accepts and gets on board that Mr. Quirky needs treatment and therapy, he's going to get the help he so desperately needs! You know, like a kid with the measles, we will rush him to the ER just in time.
ASD (or whatever) doesn't work like that. Mr. Quirky is going to be Mr. Quirky for the rest of his life. So make a decision. Either sign on board for family parties that involve weird noises, inappropriate stories and games, or get lost. That's your choice. You are investing all your energy into "waking up" dad. Dad knows the score. He's lived all his life with Mr. Quirky.
Suppose your fiancee were totally on board that he had more than just a quirky kid. Together you and he recognized that his son had a real disorder and brought him for testing and the son was diagnosed with Syndrome X. Hallelujah!
Now it's six months later and you are married and at another family party. Your stepson is once again making his loud quirky noises, telling his inappropriate stories, and doing his inappropriate quirky things. But, you say to yourself, we brought him to a team of experts! We have him on a schedule of intensive therapy for Syndrome X! We are taking him to the best! He is taking Vitamin Complex ABBABABA! His father and I are both totally on board and are a united front as to his needs, therapeutic goals, and treatment plan! What the what what!
What is it you want here, OP? If you expect something to change in this picture just because your fiancee has a realization his son is quirky (or has ASD, or whatever), that's not going to happen.
You're new to this scene, or relatively so. You bring with you the hope and the expectation and the frankly, naivete, that if everyone just opens their eyes and accepts and gets on board that Mr. Quirky needs treatment and therapy, he's going to get the help he so desperately needs! You know, like a kid with the measles, we will rush him to the ER just in time.
ASD (or whatever) doesn't work like that. Mr. Quirky is going to be Mr. Quirky for the rest of his life. So make a decision. Either sign on board for family parties that involve weird noises, inappropriate stories and games, or get lost. That's your choice. You are investing all your energy into "waking up" dad. Dad knows the score. He's lived all his life with Mr. Quirky.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 01:56
Subject: Re:Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
I haven't read all the other replies but I don't agree with the post about you just not liking this kid. Sounds like he has real issues and no one is doing anything about it.
Before you even attempt to marry this guy, make sure he comes to grips with all this and deals with it. Just how do you suppose he'll be with your future child? Scary isn't it.
Before you even attempt to marry this guy, make sure he comes to grips with all this and deals with it. Just how do you suppose he'll be with your future child? Scary isn't it.
Anonymous
07/25/2016 22:08
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Anonymous wrote:OP, while I'm sympathetic to the problem you describe with the DS, I am really turned off by how easily you want to blame the mom and how casually you talk about fighting for custody. Your "concern" comes off as thinly veiled antagonism for the bioMom.
I think you have no understanding of how difficult it is to raise a child with special needs, even if they seem to be "mild" in the sense of "just" lack of social pragmatic awareness.
You would be much better off picturing yourself as part of a team effort that fully includes the Mom. Does she need more money to take the kid to get evaluated? Do you realize that a full psycho-ed or neuropsych evaluation costs between 3-5000 dollars and is almost always not reimbursable by health insurance? Let's say the neuropsych found that the child had a social pragmatic deficit and could benefit from social pragmatic therapy and friendship-making groups. This also costs thousands and is largely un-reimbursable. Do you have any idea how easily schools are willing to blame issues like highly functional autism or learning disabilities on "emotional" issues or "bad parenting" instead of providing families with real help? Do you know how difficult it is to make a kid go to school, especially if they are anxious, depressed or having trouble with bullying or boredom? My DD has depression, and if I didn't know that and write medical excusal notes saying she's sick, she'd probably have a truancy letter also. Do you know how hard it is to be a parent fighting the school system on these issues? Especially if the other parent has been checked out or is on a different page in terms of supporting education?
Educate yourself. Assume all parents are doing the best they can and make it clear that you want to work with them as a team and are not telling them what to do but offering to help in whatever way is best.
This, this, this. Your fiancé sounds completely checked out. Not on email lists, and doesn't know his son is missing school and homework. Sounds like he is totally disengaged and everything is on mom's shoulders.
Anonymous
07/25/2016 14:37
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
OP, while I'm sympathetic to the problem you describe with the DS, I am really turned off by how easily you want to blame the mom and how casually you talk about fighting for custody. Your "concern" comes off as thinly veiled antagonism for the bioMom.
I think you have no understanding of how difficult it is to raise a child with special needs, even if they seem to be "mild" in the sense of "just" lack of social pragmatic awareness.
You would be much better off picturing yourself as part of a team effort that fully includes the Mom. Does she need more money to take the kid to get evaluated? Do you realize that a full psycho-ed or neuropsych evaluation costs between 3-5000 dollars and is almost always not reimbursable by health insurance? Let's say the neuropsych found that the child had a social pragmatic deficit and could benefit from social pragmatic therapy and friendship-making groups. This also costs thousands and is largely un-reimbursable. Do you have any idea how easily schools are willing to blame issues like highly functional autism or learning disabilities on "emotional" issues or "bad parenting" instead of providing families with real help? Do you know how difficult it is to make a kid go to school, especially if they are anxious, depressed or having trouble with bullying or boredom? My DD has depression, and if I didn't know that and write medical excusal notes saying she's sick, she'd probably have a truancy letter also. Do you know how hard it is to be a parent fighting the school system on these issues? Especially if the other parent has been checked out or is on a different page in terms of supporting education?
Educate yourself. Assume all parents are doing the best they can and make it clear that you want to work with them as a team and are not telling them what to do but offering to help in whatever way is best.
I think you have no understanding of how difficult it is to raise a child with special needs, even if they seem to be "mild" in the sense of "just" lack of social pragmatic awareness.
You would be much better off picturing yourself as part of a team effort that fully includes the Mom. Does she need more money to take the kid to get evaluated? Do you realize that a full psycho-ed or neuropsych evaluation costs between 3-5000 dollars and is almost always not reimbursable by health insurance? Let's say the neuropsych found that the child had a social pragmatic deficit and could benefit from social pragmatic therapy and friendship-making groups. This also costs thousands and is largely un-reimbursable. Do you have any idea how easily schools are willing to blame issues like highly functional autism or learning disabilities on "emotional" issues or "bad parenting" instead of providing families with real help? Do you know how difficult it is to make a kid go to school, especially if they are anxious, depressed or having trouble with bullying or boredom? My DD has depression, and if I didn't know that and write medical excusal notes saying she's sick, she'd probably have a truancy letter also. Do you know how hard it is to be a parent fighting the school system on these issues? Especially if the other parent has been checked out or is on a different page in terms of supporting education?
Educate yourself. Assume all parents are doing the best they can and make it clear that you want to work with them as a team and are not telling them what to do but offering to help in whatever way is best.
Anonymous
07/25/2016 13:30
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Anonymous wrote:The more I write about this, the worse this sounds. And there are so many more little things. I really don't want to make light of this situation, I should "cut and run"...but I do love him and his son.
Putting the wedding plans and co-habitation on hold is not "cutting and running". It will also be a wake up call to the father than he needs to get a grip on reality with this situation.
Anonymous
07/25/2016 13:28
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He said he was bullied already, but I didn't push him on the details because he moved on to another subject before I had a chance. When he comes over, he talks to me a lot, more than his dad. He tells me about being anxious about new people/situations and all about the video games he plays and his favorite You Tubers. He talks about what goes on at his mom's house. Things that happen at school or when he visits his maternal grandma, etc. And then I relay some of this back to my fiance, because some of it is, I think, worrisome.
I am hoping that it's just because it's his son that he gets defensive, and that if it's OUR child, he wouldn't feel like I'm attacking, since it's ours together? If that makes any sense.
But I get the overall point, of him just not wanting to deal with big problems and go about his life as though they don't exist, and I'm gonna be left holding the bag.
He's not over at our house enough for us to make a real difference in his life that I think could help this. We (I) do what we can on the weekends and when she lets us get him during the week. I think it would be good for him to fight custody, but I'm not about to suggest that and open that can of worms that could potentially blow up in his face.
You haven't mentioned what his mom thinks of this situation and what she is doing for him. Do not just assume what your fiance says about her and her actions are true. It's possible she is pursing help for him and has a very different environment and set of rules for him at home. If your fiance fails to see the issues, he may have failed to go to doctors appts, counselor appts, school meetings bc he felt there was no problem so no need to attend.
When your fiance spends time with his son it is easier and better for him if things go smoothly and his DS stays happy so to avoid issues and confrontations he just ignores inappropriate behavior. It could be that his son is doing these kind of things just to actually get his dad's attention.
Divorce is really tough on kids. Remarriage is too and kids can regress emotionally for a little while.
She babies him. Does everything for him, like he didn't know how to make himself a bowl of cereal, she brushes his hair, can't go get something for himself, things like that. I think these are things someone going into middle school should do for themselves. And when I'm around, I make him do it himself, and talk him through it if he needs help.
I definitely haven't approached her about this (she hasn't liked me since I started dating my fiance) and I doubt he has either since he doesn't really see it as a problem.
What I do know is there was an issue at his school last year that involved excessive missed school and missing grades/homework that escalated into a trip to the principals office. And his mom blamed the teachers. And the situation was 100% her fault because she wasn't getting him to school. To the point of a truancy letter. So, I think she'd get more defensive than my fiance if someone suggested there is something wrong with her son, since she couldn't even take responsibility for something everyone knew was her fault. (In this situation, my fiance had to go to his school and request all the records, and ask to be included on the email list and have everything mailed to our address too so he could know what was going on, since we had no idea and she lies about things.)
The more I write about this, the worse this sounds. And there are so many more little things. I really don't want to make light of this situation, I should "cut and run"...but I do love him and his son.
Anonymous
07/25/2016 12:56
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Anonymous wrote:He said he was bullied already, but I didn't push him on the details because he moved on to another subject before I had a chance. When he comes over, he talks to me a lot, more than his dad. He tells me about being anxious about new people/situations and all about the video games he plays and his favorite You Tubers. He talks about what goes on at his mom's house. Things that happen at school or when he visits his maternal grandma, etc. And then I relay some of this back to my fiance, because some of it is, I think, worrisome.
I am hoping that it's just because it's his son that he gets defensive, and that if it's OUR child, he wouldn't feel like I'm attacking, since it's ours together? If that makes any sense.
But I get the overall point, of him just not wanting to deal with big problems and go about his life as though they don't exist, and I'm gonna be left holding the bag.
He's not over at our house enough for us to make a real difference in his life that I think could help this. We (I) do what we can on the weekends and when she lets us get him during the week. I think it would be good for him to fight custody, but I'm not about to suggest that and open that can of worms that could potentially blow up in his face.
You haven't mentioned what his mom thinks of this situation and what she is doing for him. Do not just assume what your fiance says about her and her actions are true. It's possible she is pursing help for him and has a very different environment and set of rules for him at home. If your fiance fails to see the issues, he may have failed to go to doctors appts, counselor appts, school meetings bc he felt there was no problem so no need to attend.
When your fiance spends time with his son it is easier and better for him if things go smoothly and his DS stays happy so to avoid issues and confrontations he just ignores inappropriate behavior. It could be that his son is doing these kind of things just to actually get his dad's attention.
Divorce is really tough on kids. Remarriage is too and kids can regress emotionally for a little while.
Anonymous
07/25/2016 12:52
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Anonymous wrote:Don't do this to yourself, life is too short. Run away.
+1000000000000 (btdt)
Anonymous
07/25/2016 12:52
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Ugh...ok, two thoughts: I have some family members who are, I believe, on the spectrum, with some undiagnosed serious issues...they result in those immediate family members have serious social tone-deafness. They are basically a-holes. It is MISERABLE to live with and I spend as little time as possible with them now (almost complete estranged from one because I no longer have the ability to ignore and patiently endure the behavior in person).
I was married to someone with a child slightly older than your future step-son; he had some issues but they weren't of this nature (he is quite social/charming - a really nice guy - but a boomerang of the worst kind). I was never put in the "step parent" position, which was just dandy with all of us, but I can tell you that trying to live with such a person did impact my life, considerably, and his mother's unwillingness to acknowledge or consider my concerns was a huge part of what killed our relationship.
I have to agree 100% with others who say you should put the wedding plans on ice until you see that your fiance is out of denial and proactively trying to address his son's issues...because when those issues are a problem for you, and your fiance gives you that same "what problems? He's fine" and blows you off, it's going to dynamite your marriage.
You probably ought to do some long hard thinking on your own about whether or not you can really live with someone like his son regardless of the above - and do not be in denial either. This is not one of those things where people "get better" or "grow out of it".
I was married to someone with a child slightly older than your future step-son; he had some issues but they weren't of this nature (he is quite social/charming - a really nice guy - but a boomerang of the worst kind). I was never put in the "step parent" position, which was just dandy with all of us, but I can tell you that trying to live with such a person did impact my life, considerably, and his mother's unwillingness to acknowledge or consider my concerns was a huge part of what killed our relationship.
I have to agree 100% with others who say you should put the wedding plans on ice until you see that your fiance is out of denial and proactively trying to address his son's issues...because when those issues are a problem for you, and your fiance gives you that same "what problems? He's fine" and blows you off, it's going to dynamite your marriage.
You probably ought to do some long hard thinking on your own about whether or not you can really live with someone like his son regardless of the above - and do not be in denial either. This is not one of those things where people "get better" or "grow out of it".
Anonymous
07/25/2016 12:49
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am hoping that it's just because it's his son that he gets defensive, and that if it's OUR child, he wouldn't feel like I'm attacking, since it's ours together? If that makes any sense.
Hope is not a plan.
This is how your fiance is as a parent, and you have to assume this is how he will continue to be. Do you want him to be the father of your future children?
Its very different being a parent with limited contact to a full-time parent. My husband is very different with our kids vs. his older kids as he doesn't have the contact or relationship to make a difference. He's a great dad. Unfortunately, Dad and girlfriend cannot make a huge difference except maybe work a little on social skills, get him some new clothing, shoes if mom does not and teach him about hygiene and other basics. (and that assumes mom will let him wear the new clothing, my husband's ex never let the kids wear them).
Anonymous
07/25/2016 12:47
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Anonymous wrote:He said he was bullied already, but I didn't push him on the details because he moved on to another subject before I had a chance. When he comes over, he talks to me a lot, more than his dad. He tells me about being anxious about new people/situations and all about the video games he plays and his favorite You Tubers. He talks about what goes on at his mom's house. Things that happen at school or when he visits his maternal grandma, etc. And then I relay some of this back to my fiance, because some of it is, I think, worrisome.
I am hoping that it's just because it's his son that he gets defensive, and that if it's OUR child, he wouldn't feel like I'm attacking, since it's ours together? If that makes any sense.
But I get the overall point, of him just not wanting to deal with big problems and go about his life as though they don't exist, and I'm gonna be left holding the bag.
He's not over at our house enough for us to make a real difference in his life that I think could help this. We (I) do what we can on the weekends and when she lets us get him during the week. I think it would be good for him to fight custody, but I'm not about to suggest that and open that can of worms that could potentially blow up in his face.
You're never going to get custody even if he is better off with dad.
Take him to gaming stores to play and meet friends and other places where he could find some.
Take him shopping with dad's money or your money and get him some new, nicely fitting clothing in the "in brands" where you live and new sneakers. If he is getting acne, get him some medicine and work with him on hygiene. Get him a good haircut.
Anonymous
07/25/2016 12:34
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
"Hi OP, please keep in mind that this is one big issue that you have already encountered with FI that he isn't handling well. If you marry him, which clearly you want to, there will be other issues that he isn't handling well.
You and he need to find a way to work as a team, and ensure that you can do so, before you get married. If he can't deal with this issue, do you want to deal with his ignoring big, important issues like his son's health, for the rest of your life?"
Yep. It doesn't sound like you two have the same parenting values or life values. You need to put the engagement on hold until you really talk this through. You have legitimate concerns that he is avoiding. Having been married to an avoidant person, I can tell you that it is pure hell to try to deal with any of life's big issues - buying a house, planning a vacation, parenting a child. Every decision is a struggle and it sucks the energy from you.
You and he need to find a way to work as a team, and ensure that you can do so, before you get married. If he can't deal with this issue, do you want to deal with his ignoring big, important issues like his son's health, for the rest of your life?"
Yep. It doesn't sound like you two have the same parenting values or life values. You need to put the engagement on hold until you really talk this through. You have legitimate concerns that he is avoiding. Having been married to an avoidant person, I can tell you that it is pure hell to try to deal with any of life's big issues - buying a house, planning a vacation, parenting a child. Every decision is a struggle and it sucks the energy from you.
Anonymous
07/25/2016 11:14
Subject: Fiance oblivious to his son's issues
Anonymous wrote:I am hoping that it's just because it's his son that he gets defensive, and that if it's OUR child, he wouldn't feel like I'm attacking, since it's ours together? If that makes any sense.
Hope is not a plan.
This is how your fiance is as a parent, and you have to assume this is how he will continue to be. Do you want him to be the father of your future children?