My long term secretly bi BF cheated on me in college. For 25 years, I've simple said we broke up because he cheated and offered no details or pronouns. I know it's not the same as a 30 year marriage, but I think you will gain little additional sympathy from anyone for outing him. If anything, you may come across as a foolish beard.

If you have children, anything you do that hurts him will also hurt them. So think about that. It's bad for everyone if he goes to a bad place mentally, loses his job, etc.

Also, consider whether you will later wish that you hadn't told anyone. E.g., I have some annoying relatives who would probably think it was funny and gossip and make jokes. I could imagine an obnoxious uncle saying "are you sure this one's not gay?" every time I start dating someone. But that's really up to you and depends on your relationship with the people you are telling.

I would probably wait a few months and reconsider whether you want to tell everyone after you've had a little time to cool off.

Do you have children?

I'm so sorry OP. but try to have some have and empathy.
Talk to a therapist. Have you seen broke back mountain?

He's a shitty person, no matter orientation. So sorry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few months ago I learned that my DH was bi and had been having a gay affair with a high school buddy for the entire 30 years of our marriage. He also had a few affairs with female coworkers. Because I had no idea he was bi, he carried out the gay affair right in front of my face. They took lots of out of town buddy trips and on and on. I am furious and feel I have had 30 years stolen from me. I am of course divorcing him and after the settlement is safely signed, plan to out him royally. Given his lies and despicable cheating ... does he deserve my silence and protection of his image as a straight man?!

A lot of the lying gays and bisexuals here will encourage you to keep this sick bastard's secrets because they would want someone to cover for them. Don't listen to them. This nasty creature who wasted 30 years of your life doesn't deserve to maintain a reputation. People will wonder why you divorced after so long. Tell them the truth before your lying ex has a chance to spin a narrative about you.

This is quite hateful. Lying gays and bisexuals?

OP how did you learn about his affair with his friend? And then you say he had female coworker affairs - how did you find out about that from the past?
And why do you gloss over that?

Did DH have much sex with you with all of that going on?

I think they're referring to people on the "down low."

I don't think you should blast it on a group email or on social media, but a matter-of-fact "he carried on a 30+ year affair with [friend's name]" when discussing the ordeal with friends and family is truthful. You shouldn't have to be vague. I'm so sorry, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few months ago I learned that my DH was bi and had been having a gay affair with a high school buddy for the entire 30 years of our marriage. He also had a few affairs with female coworkers. Because I had no idea he was bi, he carried out the gay affair right in front of my face. They took lots of out of town buddy trips and on and on. I am furious and feel I have had 30 years stolen from me. I am of course divorcing him and after the settlement is safely signed, plan to out him royally. Given his lies and despicable cheating ... does he deserve my silence and protection of his image as a straight man?!

A lot of the lying gays and bisexuals here will encourage you to keep this sick bastard's secrets because they would want someone to cover for them. Don't listen to them. This nasty creature who wasted 30 years of your life doesn't deserve to maintain a reputation. People will wonder why you divorced after so long. Tell them the truth before your lying ex has a chance to spin a narrative about you.

This is quite hateful. Lying gays and bisexuals?

OP how did you learn about his affair with his friend? And then you say he had female coworker affairs - how did you find out about that from the past?
And why do you gloss over that?

Did DH have much sex with you with all of that going on?

Anonymous wrote:A few months ago I learned that my DH was bi and had been having a gay affair with a high school buddy for the entire 30 years of our marriage. He also had a few affairs with female coworkers. Because I had no idea he was bi, he carried out the gay affair right in front of my face. They took lots of out of town buddy trips and on and on. I am furious and feel I have had 30 years stolen from me. I am of course divorcing him and after the settlement is safely signed, plan to out him royally. Given his lies and despicable cheating ... does he deserve my silence and protection of his image as a straight man?!

A lot of the lying gays and bisexuals here will encourage you to keep this sick bastard's secrets because they would want someone to cover for them. Don't listen to them. This nasty creature who wasted 30 years of your life doesn't deserve to maintain a reputation. People will wonder why you divorced after so long. Tell them the truth before your lying ex has a chance to spin a narrative about you.

Anonymous wrote:Guy here:

It's all in how you do it. If you say it like being gay is wrong, or bad, that will come off as bitter. Some people might not even believe you.

If you just say "he cheated on me with Steve for many many years" it will serve the same purpose and probably have more impact.

I see nothing wrong with simply stating the truth

OP here ... This is exactly the tone I have in mind. No name calling, no editorial commentary, just a factual statement that he had a sexual affair with his high school friend X for the entire 30 years of our marriage. I would not even identify his orientation with a label although the name of the friend speaks volumes. If friends find me bitter or vindictive ... So be it. That is true as is resentful and a lot of other words. I am working towards peace but walking around hiding his actions and betrayal only add to the negative aspects of the situation for me.

Anonymous wrote:While I would be majorly hurt, and pissed.. I don't know that I would out him. However, if and when anyone asks the reason for the divorce I would tell them that he has been unfaithful for the entire marriage.

I would not hesitate to out him as a cheater.

Disagree. I would tell anyone who would listen OP.

Anonymous wrote:If a friend outed her husband was cheating, I'd think husband was an asshole.

If friend outed her husband was cheating and also bi, I would think husband is an asshole but I also wouldn't look favorably on my friend for outing his sexual orientation

Sorry I should edit. If my friend confided in me because she needed someone to talk to, I'd have no problem. If she started telling everyone he was bi to be vindictive regarding the cheating, I'd not think Great things about her.

If a friend outed her husband was cheating, I'd think husband was an asshole.

If friend outed her husband was cheating and also bi, I would think husband is an asshole but I also wouldn't look favorably on my friend for outing his sexual orientation

Guy here:

It's all in how you do it. If you say it like being gay is wrong, or bad, that will come off as bitter. Some people might not even believe you.

If you just say "he cheated on me with Steve for many many years" it will serve the same purpose and probably have more impact.

I see nothing wrong with simply stating the truth

I'm inclined to see it as you outing his continued and very carefully planned lies for the entire time you were married.