4 years married, one new baby, adore my husband and prefer his company to all other humans.

My husband is the best. Patient, supportive, and a wonderful father. He is also witty and smart. Most importantly, he respects me. Maybe more importantly, I respect him. We love each other a lot. What keeps us going over time is laughing together every day.

Just to reiterate what others have said: it helps to be flexible to options you hadn't considered.

My husband is a big guy who farts a lot and belongs to the wrong political party. I thought I liked skinny liberals who expel no gas (among other things).

Eight years later we really have a good time together. He's a mensch, this guy. The life we have together isn't what I imagined for myself in every way, but I adore him.

He still farts too much but he's come around to my side more politically. So you can perform a public service by marrying outside your expected circle as well.

There is a saying

"Choose wisely, treat kindly."

Re choosing wisely, I was ready and ok with the idea of being single forever. That's a good quality because one then doesn't get desperate and settle. Also, re choosing wisely, I chose someone who--yes, we had the chemistry--but he was also kind and sweet and fun and had a work ethic. Basically someone who is loyal, and who would make a great dad. All this is so important because there are lots of tough times in marriage and childraising. Courting is the easiest time because there are no other obligations; so if it's rough-going during the courting phase, it doesn't bode well for the marriage.

Re treating kindly...just remembering to invest in the relationship, and I think we both give in to the other and are not going for the short-term win. We are both trying; trying for the other; and looking at things from their perspective, not just our own. And gratitude is huge. I think about how grateful I am for my DH, a lot. Actually, I thought about that last night, when I was so pissed off at my DH I wanted to kill him, LOL. Stopping and being grateful diffuses all that. What I was mad about had nothing to do with anything serious, in the scheme of things.

DH and I do have the "happily ever after" type marriage. Not a case of low expectations. We both had high expectations for marriage. Our parents are all very happily married (still leaving love notes around the house, hand holding and deep friendship) and we both knew that's what we wanted. For us, what has worked is putting the other person first all the time. Plus, DH is the kind of guy that I admire, respect and love. While I think I'm a great wife, I truly just got lucky in this aspect of my life. Not a day goes by that I don't think DH is the most amazing person in my life.

But I agree with others that a "good husband" doesn't always look like what you think it should. My friends were concerned with how much money the man made, whether he's the life of the party and whether he came from an upper class family. Dh's kindness and hard work ethic mean more to me in the long run than any of that would have.

A willingness to do the work. To engage emotionally, be wrong, learn from mistakes, grow together. that's what underlies our family's success. A gratitude orientation is handy too.

Anonymous wrote:The key to a great marriage is not a spouse who "makes me laugh", "great in bed", "makes be a better person", etc etc - it is just having low expectations.

That's the key to life, really. Desire is the cause of suffering. Suffering stops when attachment to desires stop. Those Buddhists are on to something, I think.

Before he was my husband, he took care of me when Inwas in the hospital. Then he dropped everything to drive me across the country so I could take care of my dying parent. My son looks up to him.
This is my second marriage. I was a single parent for a decade. When things get challenging, I make a conscious effort to look at his face (or picture it if he isn't around), and say to myself, "This is the face of love and kindness."
I'm lucky. And I'd walk to the ends of the earth for this guy.

This weekend we will be celebrating 39 years of marriage. Respect and laughter made it last this long. We work well together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The key to a great marriage is not a spouse who "makes me laugh", "great in bed", "makes be a better person", etc etc - it is just having low expectations.

+100

I know so many beautifful 30something women who are still waiting for their "prince charmings" and they are really missing out on good guys who would loveto date them.

Its always:

- he doesnt make enough money
- his job is not prestigious
- he didnt go to an IVY
- he is bald

DC women think they're gods gift to the world but they create their own loneliness.

Bald men are hot.

We've been married 12 years, together for 14, with two kids in early elementary school. My husband is a very thoughtful and considerate man who is an equal partner in marriage and running the household. If anything, he does way more household chores than I do, and is very proactive about it. We work well together as a team (both of us work full-time, so that's the only frame of reference I have in terms of perhaps building resentment if one was a SAHP). The key for me is that while I consider my husband a best friend, he's not my only best friend and I don't expect or need him to fulfill all of my emotional needs, which I believe would place a heavy burden on both of us.

Anonymous wrote:The key to a great marriage is not a spouse who "makes me laugh", "great in bed", "makes be a better person", etc etc - it is just having low expectations.

+100

I know so many beautifful 30something women who are still waiting for their "prince charmings" and they are really missing out on good guys who would loveto date them.

Its always:

- he doesnt make enough money
- his job is not prestigious
- he didnt go to an IVY
- he is bald

DC women think they're gods gift to the world but they create their own loneliness.

Anonymous wrote:Of all the happy marriages I have seen, it seems that the key is to not have any preconceived notions about what a "perfect" spouse would be.

In my marriage, for example, my dh is an absolute gem. He is kind, very resourceful, very sweet, very smart, funny, mischievous, sexy and just such an overall good guy. Its important to understand that even though I am very thankful for him, he does not meet all the requirements of my "dream man list" haha. These are as follows:

- He is not in greatshape. He has a dadbod. No ripling muscles or athletlic frame here.
- He does not have a fancy high powered hot shot career.
- He is introverted and kind of dorky. Many girls would pass him up if they saw him on the street.

When I met hm, I didn't even realize I needed the qualities he had versus the qualities I thought I wanted.

This is my husband too! As time passes I keep finding more things I love about him.

The key to a great marriage is not a spouse who "makes me laugh", "great in bed", "makes be a better person", etc etc - it is just having low expectations.

I have a great husband. Good job, does much more than his share of the cleaning, wonderful dad, and he gets hotter every year. I keep myself up too though. We stay very active and make very mindful choices to avoid falling into ruts. Not that we haven't succumbed at times. We went through a bad patch for a couple years a few years back, but most of our 20 together so far have been pretty fun.