Anonymous wrote:So it seems as if there are two schools of thought in order to give children the best possible start in life.

First, you should give the children good role models, a mother in love with the father (and vice versa)

and the second, keep the family together (if it isn't abusive) to give the kids a stable family, not hating is enough.

Not sure what camp I will ultimately fall in; I flip flop. I see benefits to both.

Currently I fall into the keep the family together for stability camp, but the love idea stings, because I can tell my children are cognizant to the problems their parents are having, and the lack of true love floating around. Is it better to show that we are working working working at it and won't give up? (Are they even aware that we are working so hard?) or is it better to just have a more relaxed homelife?

I think you might be confusing things. Finding your best match or being in love with someone doens't mean you'll not have to work at you relationship or you'll never disagree. Giving your children stability doesn't mean mom & dad never disagree.

But some people think it doesn't matter how parents feel about each other as long as they love the kids, and have food , and nice things. I'm here to say it does matter kids know when mom & dad don't love each other any more.

I think there is some merit to working through a relationships downside that's an important model.

At the same time the stress and tension of parents that don't get along or who don't really care for each other can stay with a kid for a life time , and they might be more likely to get into and stay in a bad relationship because it's what feels familiar to them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

Some of us who had less than perfect childhoods are just looking for financial and emotional stability for our kids. Boring = good. My husband is my rock and takes care of us all amazingly well. We are his number 1 priority. My kids don't know how good they have it - they've never known life any other way. I don't need a spark - I need peace and stability and love, and that's what I have and am so grateful for.

They also don't know what it is like to have a mother in love with their father. It's sad you are giving them this model of a relationship. Men as paycheck.

A woman is happy with the guy she married, and she's grateful for what she has in life rather than being unhappy with not having some grander. And you find fault with her?

She doesn't love her husband. She doesn't love her kid's father. She's happy with a paycheck ( stability)/ The kids pick up on that unhealthy dynamic. I find fault with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

Some of us who had less than perfect childhoods are just looking for financial and emotional stability for our kids. Boring = good. My husband is my rock and takes care of us all amazingly well. We are his number 1 priority. My kids don't know how good they have it - they've never known life any other way. I don't need a spark - I need peace and stability and love, and that's what I have and am so grateful for.

They also don't know what it is like to have a mother in love with their father. It's sad you are giving them this model of a relationship. Men as paycheck.

A woman is happy with the guy she married, and she's grateful for what she has in life rather than being unhappy with not having some grander. And you find fault with her?

So it seems as if there are two schools of thought in order to give children the best possible start in life.

First, you should give the children good role models, a mother in love with the father (and vice versa)

and the second, keep the family together (if it isn't abusive) to give the kids a stable family, not hating is enough.

Not sure what camp I will ultimately fall in; I flip flop. I see benefits to both.

Currently I fall into the keep the family together for stability camp, but the love idea stings, because I can tell my children are cognizant to the problems their parents are having, and the lack of true love floating around. Is it better to show that we are working working working at it and won't give up? (Are they even aware that we are working so hard?) or is it better to just have a more relaxed homelife?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

Some of us who had less than perfect childhoods are just looking for financial and emotional stability for our kids. Boring = good. My husband is my rock and takes care of us all amazingly well. We are his number 1 priority. My kids don't know how good they have it - they've never known life any other way. I don't need a spark - I need peace and stability and love, and that's what I have and am so grateful for.

They also don't know what it is like to have a mother in love with their father. It's sad you are giving them this model of a relationship. Men as paycheck.

There is settling and realizing your fantasy may not happen. One is sad the other is maturity.

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

Good luck finding a one in a million spark among the 10,000 people you'll meet in your lifetime.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

Some of us who had less than perfect childhoods are just looking for financial and emotional stability for our kids. Boring = good. My husband is my rock and takes care of us all amazingly well. We are his number 1 priority. My kids don't know how good they have it - they've never known life any other way. I don't need a spark - I need peace and stability and love, and that's what I have and am so grateful for.

You sound very wise.

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

I married an extremely flawed woman who did not have Cindy Crawford's figure. It was glorious. _We_ made the spark; it's a choice.

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

That's what all the 45-year-old singles spent their 20s and 30s saying. They wasted years waiting for a fairy tale that does not exist

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

Some of us who had less than perfect childhoods are just looking for financial and emotional stability for our kids. Boring = good. My husband is my rock and takes care of us all amazingly well. We are his number 1 priority. My kids don't know how good they have it - they've never known life any other way. I don't need a spark - I need peace and stability and love, and that's what I have and am so grateful for.

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

Some of us who had less than perfect childhoods are just looking for financial and emotional stability for our kids. Boring = good. My husband is my rock and takes care of us all amazingly well. We are his number 1 priority. My kids don't know how good they have it - they've never known life any other way. I don't need a spark - I need peace and stability and love, and that's what I have and am so grateful for.

All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

It seems I've been married to a unicorn (at least on DCUM) for the last 13 years. We have sex twice a week, she's super fit, earns high six figures, is a great parent, low maintenance (mostly) and is just all around a great wife. We make each other better people. I couldn't have asked for more.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think men are as picky as women, so it's harder for them to "settle." Does she give me a boner? Check. Is she reasonably easy to keep happy? Check. Will I not be embarrassed being seen with her in public? Check. That's pretty much it.

Same here. Add in low drama and reasonably high sex drive.

- man happily married 20 years in.