I'm 37, with 2 kids of my own, and if my parents asked me this question, I would answer with some of the stuff I remember - which I think is indicative what mattered. I remember my mom talking to me at the kitchen island, I remember family dinners, I remember my dad making us read Boy Scout Badge manuals before embarking on a new adventure so that we were 'prepared' (white water rafting, for example), I remember my mom annoyed at everything Dad did (indicating her 'martyr' mentality), and I remember them not loaning me money as a college student without charging interest (I am am excellent money manger!), and I remember the way my parents cared for my grandparents as they aged and died. I remember those things because those are the big things - the things that mattered. I don't think it's a crazy or hard question at all.

Anonymous wrote:How could anyone possibly know what made the difference (if anything) in the long run?

I am the previous poster whose kids are 28 and 32. I asked them, about three years ago.

Anonymous wrote:How could anyone possibly know what made the difference (if anything) in the long run?

Well...I guess it depends on your perspective.

I've got teenagers. I am not done raising them and after HS we still have college plus maybe a year afterwards while they job hunt/work their first full time job.

Is it too early for me to claim success? Not really. My kids are honor roll students, they are decent and kind and lots of fun to be around. I'm proud to be their mom and I think that they make this world a better place.

I do think that some of the things we did early on and up to this point have helped to shape my kids into the people that they are today. Yes, we still have a ways to go. But so far so good.

I think if you wait too far down the road to analyze parental influence there will be other influences (college, marriage, kids of their own, full time jobs, etc) and it won't be so clear cut which influences mattered the most.

Anonymous wrote:How could anyone possibly know what made the difference (if anything) in the long run?

Step into the world of modern day child rearing and take away forty years of perspective. Try to figure out which of the things, some big, some little, might actually matter in the long run. Realize there are people out there with perspective who might have some thoughts on the matter. Ask them.

- OP

Anonymous wrote:How could anyone possibly know what made the difference (if anything) in the long run?

I'm fairly certain I did a great job handling caregiving of a spouse with metastatic cancer and child rearing. I know because I didn't like what I was seeing my kid, got good advice from sources I respect, changed my approach and saw changes in my kid fairly quickly. He is strong, and gentle and kind. He doesn't shy away from the hard work of living. He trusts me.

How could anyone possibly know what made the difference (if anything) in the long run?

Getting my child help when she needed it. If I'd been a better mom, she might not have needed it but that was some fantasy I could never live up to. But I did get her help when it became clear it was necessary. And she survived.

Trying to make sure that there were emotional boundaries so that she knew that my feelings were not dependent on hers and she could be separate from me.

Letting her know that the family had a history of addiction and she could have difficulty with addiction, too. So when it hit her, it was devastating for her but she knew what she had to do.

We did all of our disagreeing about child rearing in private.

We sent him to public so we could afford the extras, like tutors (you never know what you will need).

We didn't lie to him during a serious illness with dad and made sure he had enough chores to feel part of the recovery process.

Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

While I don't necessarily disagree with this, I also don't think it is one of the most important things to teach your kids - it's not up there with respect for others, self, that your parents love you, being kind to others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"

This! OP sounds like my mother, who thought this approach was all enlightened and cutting edge.

I'm 45 now but what I remember most was that my parents would always support me. This continues to be true today as I'm in the middle of my divorce. But I've used the "my parents" excuse my times. The time a guy asked me to dance and I said I had to dance with my dad. The time I was winning at the craps table and wanted to walk away with my winnings, I saw my dad across the room and said he was calling me. Mostly it's that I still know my parents are there to support and help me.

Oh and the other lesson that somehow stuck was if you're the kid and you're lost, you stay put and mom will find you. I was 21 and got separated from my mom at a big hotel. I sat down and waited as if I was 5. She found me. In all the years, the rules never changed. Consistency is key.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"

Equal is not fair.

We are not a society of animatrons Exactly. Like. One. Another.

We all have different needs.

My kids don't bean count. They don't whine about "it's not fair!" They are happy for.their siblings successes and they understand that each of them has different needs.

I have friends who jump through hoops to make sure everything is 100% equal every time. And when shit happens and things aren't completely equal, their kid shave trouble handling it and/or mom tears herself up feeling guilty.

All of my kids get their true needs met. Their want-"needs" are all met in different ways on different timelines.

If you are making everything equal for your kids under the guise of "fairness" then you are doing them a huge disservice.

100% absolutely!!!!

OP, thanks for posting, this is a great question! Hope to see more response to your post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"

Equal is not fair.

We are not a society of animatrons Exactly. Like. One. Another.

We all have different needs.

My kids don't bean count. They don't whine about "it's not fair!" They are happy for.their siblings successes and they understand that each of them has different needs.

I have friends who jump through hoops to make sure everything is 100% equal every time. And when shit happens and things aren't completely equal, their kid shave trouble handling it and/or mom tears herself up feeling guilty.

All of my kids get their true needs met. Their want-"needs" are all met in different ways on different timelines.

If you are making everything equal for your kids under the guise of "fairness" then you are doing them a huge disservice.

We talked about this recently. My older DD says she doesn't remember the tough times we had financially (guess I did a good job hiding that). However, she says her friends were envious that I actually played with her and did crazy, fun stuff (all of which was free or super cheap). She said the greatest positive impact was leaving my abusive marriage and fighting for custody.