Anonymous
07/17/2016 07:44
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to realize he is the adult and that means that what he wants to do sometimes comes second. If he can't or won't realize this on his own, then agree with pp that counseling is needed.
There were definitely better activity choices for the afternoon that your DS and DH could have participated in.
Yup. Does he always get his way in everything?
I never really thought about it, but yes, pretty much.
Too many travel sports that are all about him. Is he going to be a pro athlete?
If not, it's fun but not all there is to life. Your son will be spoiled by the sports.
I mean really - your husband just traveled for him to a sports game and watched. Why does don expect the rest of the day to be about him too?
DS might start doing some volunteer jobs and does he have chores at your house
The part you highlighted and my comment refer back to dad not my son. My son doesn't always get his way and yes he has chores- goofy you would ask. We enjoy his travel sport and no he of course isn't going to be a professional athlete but it's a great outlet for him and a lot of fun.
And to further comment , the weekend was about time together. I do almost all the away tournaments on my own. I enjoy them for the sport, the camaraderie with other parents, but mostly for the bonding time with my son at an age where that can be hard to come by. I'm sure my son was hoping that in the down time he and his dad would do something they both would enjoy- a movie, swim, explore the area, etc particularly as they get little time together.
This is what you would do - you like bonding time and to go watch a movie or a swim.
Husband doesn't . Husband wanted to play golf. He's different than you and DS.
Tell son to try to enjoy his time with his dad anyway. It's different (not DS focused) but not wrong.
Your son , like many kids today, is too self focused.
The most well adjusted kids come from large families that do none of this spending weekends going to expensive time consuming sports tournament stuff.
Anonymous
07/17/2016 07:40
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone think it is fun to watch someone else play golf?
The husband just watched the kid play lacrosse or whatever. What is the difference?
People do watch golf.
Anonymous
07/17/2016 07:32
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
Why you were mad*
Anonymous
07/17/2016 07:31
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
I sort of agree with the poster upthread who reads this as OP micromanaging their relationship and undermining her DH. If DS and DH have a shitty relationship, that's between them. But you telling your husband that he needs to be a better parent is not helping him (no shit he's defensive. You are right that he's an asshole, but it's not like anyone is going to take the "you are a terrible parent be more like me" lecture meekly. That is going to be pretty hard for anyone to hear).
And you telling DS how sad it is that DH won't do what DS wants is also not helping the situation. You are making their relationship with one another about their relationship with you, rather than leading them back to one another and offering support to work it out. When DH says, "I can take DS to his game," you tell him how awesome that is and how you are sure he and DS will enjoy some good bonding time. Hey, there will be X hours after the game. What could they do to fill the time? Golf? Gee, it's a shame DS can't play. Do you think he will mind having to stand around and watch his dad golf all afternoon? Then don't say anything else. Plant the seed and let him figure it out.
When DS calls you to say "Dad's such a jerk," you need to say, "Boy. You sound so upset. Does Dad know how you feel? Did you tell him why you were made clearly and calmly? He can't fix a problem you haven't clearly explained, y'know! Good luck! I am sure the two of you can work it out!"
Offer a little nudge, then back off, rather that trying to engineer every interaction. DH sees the puppet strings and resents them. DS sees them and thinks, "Mom doesn't believe I can have a relationship with Dad." Your help is not currently helpful.
And you telling DS how sad it is that DH won't do what DS wants is also not helping the situation. You are making their relationship with one another about their relationship with you, rather than leading them back to one another and offering support to work it out. When DH says, "I can take DS to his game," you tell him how awesome that is and how you are sure he and DS will enjoy some good bonding time. Hey, there will be X hours after the game. What could they do to fill the time? Golf? Gee, it's a shame DS can't play. Do you think he will mind having to stand around and watch his dad golf all afternoon? Then don't say anything else. Plant the seed and let him figure it out.
When DS calls you to say "Dad's such a jerk," you need to say, "Boy. You sound so upset. Does Dad know how you feel? Did you tell him why you were made clearly and calmly? He can't fix a problem you haven't clearly explained, y'know! Good luck! I am sure the two of you can work it out!"
Offer a little nudge, then back off, rather that trying to engineer every interaction. DH sees the puppet strings and resents them. DS sees them and thinks, "Mom doesn't believe I can have a relationship with Dad." Your help is not currently helpful.
Anonymous
07/17/2016 07:27
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone think it is fun to watch someone else play golf?
Agree!
Anonymous
07/17/2016 07:27
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Stop playing mediator.
Stop poor babying your son.
If he's 13 and still having tantrums which is what you really mean by being volatile and sensitive if can't handle the world not stopping because he doesn't get his way ( golf or injury) or a critique or coddling his emotions he's going to have a hard time in his life.
That's not to say your husband is completely blame free, but from where I sit it seems your son has 2 parents who haven't done him any favors in life.
I suspect Dad has been playing back seat for a long time because he doesn't parent " the right way" and now that your son is 13 you think he needs a male influence and you want to take your husband off the sidelines and have him do what you want.
You and your husband both need marriage counseling and parenting classes and family counseling will probably help you too.
Get this right before he turns 18.
I didn't get any of that from OP's post. Did we read the same thing?
Thanks. A lot of supposition here! Dad has always traveled a lot, so not as involved but not due to parenting style. My son is at an age where HE feels the absence of his father more. Not my doing. He wants to hang with dad more than mom seems pretty normal to me. Yes, I do mediate. I try not to. I understand your point.
Anonymous
07/17/2016 07:24
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
Why would anyone think it is fun to watch someone else play golf?
Anonymous
07/17/2016 07:21
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to realize he is the adult and that means that what he wants to do sometimes comes second. If he can't or won't realize this on his own, then agree with pp that counseling is needed.
There were definitely better activity choices for the afternoon that your DS and DH could have participated in.
Yup. Does he always get his way in everything?
I never really thought about it, but yes, pretty much.
Too many travel sports that are all about him. Is he going to be a pro athlete?
If not, it's fun but not all there is to life. Your son will be spoiled by the sports.
I mean really - your husband just traveled for him to a sports game and watched. Why does don expect the rest of the day to be about him too?
DS might start doing some volunteer jobs and does he have chores at your house
The part you highlighted and my comment refer back to dad not my son. My son doesn't always get his way and yes he has chores- goofy you would ask. We enjoy his travel sport and no he of course isn't going to be a professional athlete but it's a great outlet for him and a lot of fun.
And to further comment , the weekend was about time together. I do almost all the away tournaments on my own. I enjoy them for the sport, the camaraderie with other parents, but mostly for the bonding time with my son at an age where that can be hard to come by. I'm sure my son was hoping that in the down time he and his dad would do something they both would enjoy- a movie, swim, explore the area, etc particularly as they get little time together.
Anonymous
07/17/2016 07:15
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to realize he is the adult and that means that what he wants to do sometimes comes second. If he can't or won't realize this on his own, then agree with pp that counseling is needed.
There were definitely better activity choices for the afternoon that your DS and DH could have participated in.
Yup. Does he always get his way in everything?
I never really thought about it, but yes, pretty much.
Too many travel sports that are all about him. Is he going to be a pro athlete?
If not, it's fun but not all there is to life. Your son will be spoiled by the sports.
I mean really - your husband just traveled for him to a sports game and watched. Why does don expect the rest of the day to be about him too?
DS might start doing some volunteer jobs and does he have chores at your house
The part you highlighted and my comment refer back to dad not my son. My son doesn't always get his way and yes he has chores- goofy you would ask. We enjoy his travel sport and no he of course isn't going to be a professional athlete but it's a great outlet for him and a lot of fun.
Anonymous
07/17/2016 07:10
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
Anonymous wrote:Stop playing mediator.
Stop poor babying your son.
If he's 13 and still having tantrums which is what you really mean by being volatile and sensitive if can't handle the world not stopping because he doesn't get his way ( golf or injury) or a critique or coddling his emotions he's going to have a hard time in his life.
That's not to say your husband is completely blame free, but from where I sit it seems your son has 2 parents who haven't done him any favors in life.
I suspect Dad has been playing back seat for a long time because he doesn't parent " the right way" and now that your son is 13 you think he needs a male influence and you want to take your husband off the sidelines and have him do what you want.
You and your husband both need marriage counseling and parenting classes and family counseling will probably help you too.
Get this right before he turns 18.
I didn't get any of that from OP's post. Did we read the same thing?
Anonymous
07/17/2016 07:04
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to realize he is the adult and that means that what he wants to do sometimes comes second. If he can't or won't realize this on his own, then agree with pp that counseling is needed.
There were definitely better activity choices for the afternoon that your DS and DH could have participated in.
Yup. Does he always get his way in everything?
I never really thought about it, but yes, pretty much.
Too many travel sports that are all about him. Is he going to be a pro athlete?
If not, it's fun but not all there is to life. Your son will be spoiled by the sports.
I mean really - your husband just traveled for him to a sports game and watched. Why does don expect the rest of the day to be about him too?
DS might start doing some volunteer jobs and does he have chores at your house?
Anonymous
07/16/2016 22:13
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
Is this a step Dad? At first I though it is kid's Dad, but OP kept referring to him as my husband. So, is he the father?
Anonymous
07/16/2016 21:50
Subject: Re:My husband and my teen son what to do?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He called me to talk about it
You and your son should not be discussing the father behind his back. It is divisive. Do not use the excuse of the two of you trying to "figurie-it-out". Unless your husband is abusive and it doesn't sound like so, they need to work through this transition themselves. This is probably about seeing your son as a man
and less of a boy.
My son just turned 13 hardly a man. I understand your point though. One thing that can be hard is my husband tea end and is gone a lot so they are (all 3 kids) used to me as the go to person. It's very hard for my don in particular to talk to his dad about anything related to feelings. That's pretty much ok with my husband he hates and talk about emotions, etc
Typos! Sorry! "Travels a lot" "are used to me" "son" "hates to talk"
Anonymous
07/16/2016 21:48
Subject: My husband and my teen son what to do?
"Dared " and "it can be "
Anonymous
07/16/2016 21:47
Subject: Re:My husband and my teen son what to do?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He called me to talk about it
You and your son should not be discussing the father behind his back. It is divisive. Do not use the excuse of the two of you trying to "figurie-it-out". Unless your husband is abusive and it doesn't sound like so, they need to work through this transition themselves. This is probably about seeing your son as a man
and less of a boy.
My son just turned 13 hardly a man. I understand your point though. One thing that can be hard is my husband tea end and is gone a lot so they are (all 3 kids) used to me as the go to person. It's very hard for my don in particular to talk to his dad about anything related to feelings. That's pretty much ok with my husband he hates and talk about emotions, etc
My father was gone a lot and he was hard to deal with and unpredictable. I remember one awful trip he and I took to Florida. I so wish I could've called my mom but this was well before cell phones and I wouldn't have dated to use the hotel phones. It's can be hard and scary to be with a parent that you don't feel comfortable with for whatever reason. I think at 13 it's pretty natural he called