Anonymous
07/16/2016 19:36
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Him agreeing to be friends with you is a nice deal for you. It proves to everyone who knows you that your betrayal and lying must not have been all that bad because he has forgiven you enough to be your buddy. He, on the other hand, gets to have a "friend" who has no problem lying to him and betraying him whenever she feels entitled to do so. Lucky him. If you still care for this person, you might want to consider walking away and leaving him some dignity.
Anonymous
07/16/2016 13:33
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP. I don't think you will ever really be friends, because what you are putting your ex and your children through is not the act of a friend.
Why do you want to be friends, beyond being amicable co-parents? Is it to convince yourself that you didn't really hurt him? My mom cheated on my dad and for the past 25 years she has insisted that she, my dad, and her co-cheater are all the best of friends. We're all a big happy family and nobody minds that she cheated. We just don't spend time together because my dad is too busy. It's how she copes with the cognitive dissonance, but it irritates everyone else. It's enough that you cheated and broke up the family. Leave the poor man alone. He can find other friends.
I agree with this. You are deluding yourself if you think he should want to or will be friends with you after what you've done. You need to own the damage you've caused, and hope for the best, which is that you are both polite and kind.
I had an amicable divorce and we've coparented and been good friends for 20 years. It's possible, as long as no one screwed over anyone, which is not your case. His wife does have a jealous streak, though, so we limit our interactions out of respect to her and the peace and health of their marriage.
Why is it always derided as a jealous streak if a second wife has the expectation of not sharing her husband with his ex or having 3 people in her marriage? That's a normal expectation that has nothing to do with jealousy but everything to do with the fact that is her husband now and no woman is okay with her husband devoting hours a day to texting or chatting with another woman.
Not sure if you're very young and in your first relationship, but as life goes on, people generally have more layers of evolved relationships that go back a long way. Exes, kids, stepkids, half-siblings, ex-in-laws, etc do not have to get cut out of one's life and heart just because people remarry.
No derision was intended in this case. We're all remarried. Of the four of us, she's the only one who ever has a jealous/territorial moment. I respect her feelings, and understand that they're normal, and that's why we don't hang out, even though three of us would like to. We coparent. We are friends. My ex feels like family to me, and we've known each other since we were teens. Because I have experienced jealousy (not in this situation, but in life), I can empathize with her. She has a right to her feelings and preference that her husband set aside his ex and put her first. She's always been an awesome stepmom/coparent, and I'm glad my ex found happiness with her. She's far more accomplished and a stronger person than I am, yet she has insecurities. That's what makes a jealous streak, as I understand it in myself. It's human.
That doesn't mean she is jealous. She might just not like you.
Anonymous
07/16/2016 13:18
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Anonymous wrote:Has anyone successfully done this? I cheated and DH understandably can't get past it and we are going to split. I'm heartbroken but I know I caused this and he needs to do what's right for him. We both really want to stay friends. Right now there is much sadness and depression but we are getting along okay. We are in the beginning stages of planning for the separation. We've been together our entire adult lives so lots of details to work out. I guess my question is has anyone successfully remained friends with an ex? I am optomistic and we are communicating well I just don't know if it's possible, given the history and our underlying feelings.
Dear STBX:
Yes, we have been together our entire adult lives through various ups and downs. And yes, I was devastated when I found out you cheated because it broke my trust in you. It also threw my life into complete turmoil and made me embittered because I was always willing to work through our issues. But hey, no big deal as your need for self fulfillment is so high. What do I care that you spread your legs for another guy. Yup, definitely want to be friends because we are so mature and open and have all this history.
Anonymous
07/16/2016 12:53
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP. I don't think you will ever really be friends, because what you are putting your ex and your children through is not the act of a friend.
Why do you want to be friends, beyond being amicable co-parents? Is it to convince yourself that you didn't really hurt him? My mom cheated on my dad and for the past 25 years she has insisted that she, my dad, and her co-cheater are all the best of friends. We're all a big happy family and nobody minds that she cheated. We just don't spend time together because my dad is too busy. It's how she copes with the cognitive dissonance, but it irritates everyone else. It's enough that you cheated and broke up the family. Leave the poor man alone. He can find other friends.
I agree with this. You are deluding yourself if you think he should want to or will be friends with you after what you've done. You need to own the damage you've caused, and hope for the best, which is that you are both polite and kind.
I had an amicable divorce and we've coparented and been good friends for 20 years. It's possible, as long as no one screwed over anyone, which is not your case. His wife does have a jealous streak, though, so we limit our interactions out of respect to her and the peace and health of their marriage.
Why is it always derided as a jealous streak if a second wife has the expectation of not sharing her husband with his ex or having 3 people in her marriage? That's a normal expectation that has nothing to do with jealousy but everything to do with the fact that is her husband now and no woman is okay with her husband devoting hours a day to texting or chatting with another woman.
Not sure if you're very young and in your first relationship, but as life goes on, people generally have more layers of evolved relationships that go back a long way. Exes, kids, stepkids, half-siblings, ex-in-laws, etc do not have to get cut out of one's life and heart just because people remarry.
No derision was intended in this case. We're all remarried. Of the four of us, she's the only one who ever has a jealous/territorial moment. I respect her feelings, and understand that they're normal, and that's why we don't hang out, even though three of us would like to. We coparent. We are friends. My ex feels like family to me, and we've known each other since we were teens. Because I have experienced jealousy (not in this situation, but in life), I can empathize with her. She has a right to her feelings and preference that her husband set aside his ex and put her first. She's always been an awesome stepmom/coparent, and I'm glad my ex found happiness with her. She's far more accomplished and a stronger person than I am, yet she has insecurities. That's what makes a jealous streak, as I understand it in myself. It's human.
Anonymous
07/16/2016 11:35
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
It helps if you continue to have sex when necessary.
Anonymous
07/16/2016 10:24
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Op wants to remain friends because then she doesn't have to feel like a piece of crap who cheated, hurt her husband, and broke up the family. "We're still friends!" = I'm really not that bad, he still likes me!
Don't mistake his willingness to be a good co parent with friendship. He is not your friend. He doesn't want to be your friend. Friends spend time together. Share their lives. Trust one another. You blew that up. Now you're ex spouses who ideally share kids without conflict.
Don't mistake his willingness to be a good co parent with friendship. He is not your friend. He doesn't want to be your friend. Friends spend time together. Share their lives. Trust one another. You blew that up. Now you're ex spouses who ideally share kids without conflict.
Anonymous
07/16/2016 10:12
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Anonymous wrote:Friendly sure
friends? No
This. I mean...if you have kids, then there's a reason to maintain some kind of co-parenting relationship (which is not exactly friendship) and be on friendly terms. If there aren't kids, then make a clean break or at the very least pull away for a long period of time, allow emotions to cool, and perspective to develop.
Honestly, you need to evaluate why you want to remain friends...is it out of guilt? Or not wanting to feel the sting of complete rejection? It can be very hard/umpleasant to learn to live with the knowledge you've hurt someone badly, but that's not a good basis for a friendship. Odds are good, if you cheated on him, that you were already no longer really happy with him...once you get past the guilt and forgive yourself, you may find that he's not someone you really want to be around or be friends with.
ThatBetch
07/16/2016 09:52
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:With kids comes an obligation for constructive collaboration, for the larger good of the children. You may need to hold your nose, but always remember that you love your kids more than you despise him/her.
This sounds fine and noble. No doubt there is a wide margin for how you define constructive. But also leaves for yet more abuse from the Ex. Sometimes they just can't help themselves.
+1 Sometimes loving your kids means keeping them sheltered from a dysfunctional, toxic parent. Ex for a reason, right?
Anonymous
07/16/2016 09:49
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Anonymous wrote:With kids comes an obligation for constructive collaboration, for the larger good of the children. You may need to hold your nose, but always remember that you love your kids more than you despise him/her.
This sounds fine and noble. No doubt there is a wide margin for how you define constructive. But also leaves for yet more abuse from the Ex. Sometimes they just can't help themselves.
Anonymous
07/16/2016 08:56
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Without kids? Heck no. OP wants chaos and a friend with benefits.
Anonymous
07/16/2016 08:44
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP. I don't think you will ever really be friends, because what you are putting your ex and your children through is not the act of a friend.
Why do you want to be friends, beyond being amicable co-parents? Is it to convince yourself that you didn't really hurt him? My mom cheated on my dad and for the past 25 years she has insisted that she, my dad, and her co-cheater are all the best of friends. We're all a big happy family and nobody minds that she cheated. We just don't spend time together because my dad is too busy. It's how she copes with the cognitive dissonance, but it irritates everyone else. It's enough that you cheated and broke up the family. Leave the poor man alone. He can find other friends.
I agree with this. You are deluding yourself if you think he should want to or will be friends with you after what you've done. You need to own the damage you've caused, and hope for the best, which is that you are both polite and kind.
I had an amicable divorce and we've coparented and been good friends for 20 years. It's possible, as long as no one screwed over anyone, which is not your case. His wife does have a jealous streak, though, so we limit our interactions out of respect to her and the peace and health of their marriage.
Why is it always derided as a jealous streak if a second wife has the expectation of not sharing her husband with his ex or having 3 people in her marriage? That's a normal expectation that has nothing to do with jealousy but everything to do with the fact that is her husband now and no woman is okay with her husband devoting hours a day to texting or chatting with another woman.
Anonymous
07/16/2016 07:47
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
With kids comes an obligation for constructive collaboration, for the larger good of the children. You may need to hold your nose, but always remember that you love your kids more than you despise him/her.
Without kids, put him/her in the rear-view mirror, and move on to new chapters in your life. Ex'es should not continue to be entangled in each other's lives. If such is to be the case, then they might as well have remained married.
Without kids, put him/her in the rear-view mirror, and move on to new chapters in your life. Ex'es should not continue to be entangled in each other's lives. If such is to be the case, then they might as well have remained married.
Anonymous
07/15/2016 23:55
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Anonymous wrote:If you don't have kids why bother staying friends or being friendly? There are a lot of people in the world. Just move on.
+1
Anonymous
07/15/2016 23:33
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Not my ex. The marriage was toxic. Coparenting with him is almost worse because he has nothing to gain by being civil to me.
Almost-DH #2 (less than 60 days!) possibly. Maybe because we won't have kids together, but mostly because he's indisputably a better human than my ex. We fight fair anyway and have a mutually beneficial prenup so we could "consciously uncouple" (gag) without tearing each other apart. I see that as the key to staying friends.
20 years later, I am casual friends with a BF whose proposal I turned down on the second worst day of his life. Thankfully, I had no idea what else was going on for him because I would have said yes out of pity. Today, we're friends on FB and live about 10 min apart so we bump into each other at the grocery store or park with his kids. I'm glad he forgave me for breaking his heart, but when we reconnected a decade ago, I knew that I never wanted back the intense friendship we had prior to dating.
Almost-DH #2 (less than 60 days!) possibly. Maybe because we won't have kids together, but mostly because he's indisputably a better human than my ex. We fight fair anyway and have a mutually beneficial prenup so we could "consciously uncouple" (gag) without tearing each other apart. I see that as the key to staying friends.
20 years later, I am casual friends with a BF whose proposal I turned down on the second worst day of his life. Thankfully, I had no idea what else was going on for him because I would have said yes out of pity. Today, we're friends on FB and live about 10 min apart so we bump into each other at the grocery store or park with his kids. I'm glad he forgave me for breaking his heart, but when we reconnected a decade ago, I knew that I never wanted back the intense friendship we had prior to dating.
Anonymous
07/15/2016 23:19
Subject: Separating and divorcing but staying friends?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP. I don't think you will ever really be friends, because what you are putting your ex and your children through is not the act of a friend.
Why do you want to be friends, beyond being amicable co-parents? Is it to convince yourself that you didn't really hurt him? My mom cheated on my dad and for the past 25 years she has insisted that she, my dad, and her co-cheater are all the best of friends. We're all a big happy family and nobody minds that she cheated. We just don't spend time together because my dad is too busy. It's how she copes with the cognitive dissonance, but it irritates everyone else. It's enough that you cheated and broke up the family. Leave the poor man alone. He can find other friends.
Thanks for posting this - I found it insightful
So true. He can now find a woman who will make a suitable wife instead of his STBX who seems to be nonchalant about cheating.